[NOTSOHAPPY]

hi I just wanted to share this, I am the kind of person who likes to keep everything to myself I just...dont like to share negative stuff to people I feel like they somehow are going to be part of that problem however.....since I found this site I have learned to open up a little and SHARE with some people even if i dont know them personally its very very hard if you never do this before and thats me .....now I told a very good friend of mine my problems about sex my somehow insecutities and I opened up to her well the thing is that we talked about the past when I was very little I remember I was running away from sex predators somehow I wanst that naive I knew them I had to run away from them a couple of times ...thats funny for a while I when i was like 12 I Tought i was gay because I played around with a boy and I like it but I Just didnt like boys we were just playing around it was more like a game also I Have some vague memories of me being very small and some friend of the family touching me ...you know that all of this made me confused very confused I even felt like touching little boys younger than me but that didnt last that long it was only a very short period of time...I just wish I Had someone to talk to.....an adult an uncle anybody but I Was always alone and didnt want to share none of this with nobody to be honest I think I Had more sex when I was 8 to 11 than any other age of my life I was sick mentally sick
sex with boys sometimes just games, touching, with younger boys or girls why was i so obsessed with sex dunno ...as I grew older I Didnt know who i was anymore straight gay bi trans wow all of this sexual experiences got me so confussed......now I KNOW WHAT I AM iM A HUMAN BEING some guy who has been trough a lot of negative experiences I THINK MY BIGGEST problem has always been that im not able to open up to people and im afraid of being judged and label but ...NOT ANYMORE THIS IS ME AND i M PROUD TO SAY THAT I HAD A LOT OF SEX EXPERIENCE AS A KID UNFORTUNETLY I THINK SOME OLDER KID MOLESTED ME AND I KIND OF WANTED TO DO THE SAME BUT SOMEHOW IT WAS NOTHING BUT TOUCHING WELL I WAS JUST 10 PLAYING THE TOUCHING GAME WITH YOUNGER KIDS ....I WAS I REALIZED IT WAS WRONG TO BE A BOY AND STARTED FANTASISING ABOUT BEING A GIRL .....GIRLS WERE SO GOOD AND GUYS WERE SO PERVERTS ...BUT DEEP INSIDE MYSELF I JUST WANTED TO BE A GOOD PERSON AND GOOD TO ME WAS BEING A GIRL....WELL NOW THAT I BEEN OPENING TO YOU GUYS AND A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE IS MAKING ME FEEL VERY GOOD SEE IM NOT A BAD PERSON AND IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT ALL OF THIS HAPPENED ...ITS JUST LIFE ....FOR A LONG TIME I TOUGHT I WAS A BAD PERSON DUE TO THE GAMES I PLAYED WITH BOYS....LITTLE BOYS PLAYING WITH LITTLE BOYS WOW I JUST WISH I HAD SOME KIND OF GUIDANCE .....THANKS GOD IM ABLE TO TALK ABOUT ALL OF THIS AND I DIT IT IN A WAY IM TELLING YOU GUYS AND ALSO I TOLD A VERY CLOSE FRIEND I GUESS THE WORSE I DID WAS TO KEEP IT ALL TO MYSELF FOR SO LONG I DONT THINK THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING GAY TRANS BI OR WHATEVER BUT IN MY VERY HUMBLE OPINION IS BEST IF YOU KNOW WHY YOU ARE HOW YOU ARE NOW TO LOOK DEEP IN OURSELVES AND ASK OURSELVES AM I REALLY BAD AM I REALLY WHO I THINK I AM OR LIFE SIMLPY MADE ME ...MY CASE IS LIFE MADE ME CONFUSED ABOUT MY SEXUALITY AND IN A WAY I REBELLED AGAINST EVERYTHING THAT REPRESENTED BAD NOW I DONT LET THOSE TOUGHTS GET ME......I M GETING HEALED NOW ......DEPRESSION HAS ALWAYS BEEN WITH ME ALL MY LIFE ....DUE TO MY SEXUAL ADDICTIONS AND PROBLEMS I KNOW THAT ONCE I TAKE CARE OF THOSE SEXUAL PROBLEMS DEPRESSION WILL GET BETTER .....WELL I KNOW LIFE WILL NEVER BE PERFECT ITS NOT MEANT BE AND IF I HAD TO GO THROUG HELL IN ORDER FOR ME TO HELP OTHER WELL LET IT BE THEN GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND HOPE YOU COME TO GOOD TERMS WITH YOURSELF TOO ACCEPT YOUR PAST BUT DONT LET YOUR PAST RULE YOUR PRESENT OR YOUR FUTURE ....I WILL WRITE A LITTLE MORE SOME OTHER TIME TAKE GOOD CARE ALL OF YOU

[kaliope]

well it seems like you had a lot of sexual experiences at a very young age and this has left you very confused. usually between same age kids this is normal and considered exploring. you dont reveal how old the other kids were but it seems that you were engaged in much more than exploratory behaviors due to the frequency of which you were involved in these acts. it may be helpful to you to find a therapist who deals with abuse/sexual/gender issues to talk to and help you sort out your confusion and trauma.