Lessons learned.....

I wanted to post on update for those of you that had followed my rantings over the past sveral months. As many of you know I had battled depression on and off for probably five years now. Twice I stopped taking my meds prematurely with devastating consequences. Each time my depression worsened and as a result my personal life was a disaster. I didn't take care of myself, my job performance suffered, I let my personal affairs go unattended and I sought out sexual encounters to ease my pain. I also lost a warm and loving relationship of over two years.

Things came to a head after I was arrested for driving without a valid license (I let my license expire). At this point things had got so bad I came very close to attempting suicide and finally checked myself into the hospital. I think all along I wanted things to get so bad I didn't have any other choice but to end my life. Plus, I was grief stricken over losing a relationship that meant the world to me. And, this compounded with the guilt of my behaviors sent me into what I thought was an irreversible downward spiral.

My experience in the hospital was interesting to say the least. I found so many people there that were so much worse off than I. People with chronic mental illness with few people, if any, that cared.

Even after home from the hosptial I hid away, isolating myself from everyone. I was even actively considering ending my life again. My sister even called the police thinking that I was missing. Until one day my son discovered me at home and the look in his eyes, and his and my daughters tears of relief sent me a very powerful message.

Thanks to a wonderful psychiatrist and the blessings of medication I am getting back on my feet. I am holding my head high and dealing with the guilt and shame, recognizing that I am human and capable of making a mistake, even a very big one. I also am understanding that my behaviors were my way to escape my reality and self medicate. Understanding that I was trapped by the "rush" that these activities brought me. And, I am replacing these behaviors with more positive ones. I walk and ride my bike a lot (having no car has forced me to do that but it has been therapeutic). I am learning to play the guitar, which has been extremely therapeutic for me as well (I would highly recommend playing a musical instrument to anyoe battling depression).

I am getting my eyes and teeth fixed that I had let go. I go to court next week to clear up my license. And, I will next have to address some financial issues that have been looking over my head.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank God. I appreciate all the support that many of you on this board have given me. I also now understand that battling depression is much more than therapy and medication. It is your mindset. If you have the will to get better I think that goes a long way to helping you get better. My ex wife probably had the best advice for me. She told me that I had been depressed for so long that I was in a rut. That I had to "relearn" how to be happy again. Relearn how to live my life. That was sound advice and very, very true. I know that I had lived too much in the past, which was holding me back from embracing my future.

I have lost a lot in my life because of my depression and the decisions that I have made (most of which, if not all of which were, made WHILE I was depressed).

Admittedly my biggest regret is loosing the woman that I had loved, and still love very much. I had acted so irrationally after loosing her. Clinging on to her memory. Keeping her picture on my desk. Writing her, sending her flowers. Doing things that probably made her feel worse, and I am so sorry for that. As much as it hurts I have to put her behind me. And, God willing, maybe one day she can find it in her heart to forgive me and see the blessings that I do have.

Again, thank you all so much for your support.

Thanks for the update. It sounds like life has been a challenge for you for a long time, but maybe now you are ready to make some changes that will allow you to heal. One of the things I am getting from your story is that letting things get bad was a choice, whether you recognized that at the time or not, and that sometimes we choose depression when we don't know how else to get our needs met. It's counterproductive, but there it is. My husband lectured me for over an hour last night on that very thing - he says I wallow and refuse to give up my dysfunctional identities. It's hard - being in a hole starts to get comfortable, and sometimes we can find people who will comiserate and sympathize. When we seem to be doing better, maybe our needs don't get met.

I second you on the value of music! Listening to it is fine, but playing an instrument or singing is much better. Good for you! I'm glad that you are getting back on your feet now.

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

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Vett - I just found this post. I'm really glad that things are on the upswing for you. I know that you've been through hell and back, and just the tone of your post tells me that the worst is behind you.

I'm so so so happy for you. Congratulations!

We are ALL going to be a-ok!