[WayBackWhen]

Ok, so where do I start? Im a shy, introverted 17 year old girl who has self esteem issues. From the time I was little, I used to be teased over how I look ("oh, shes the ugliest girl in the school" "look at that ugly *****(excuse the language) "she's sooo ugly") and teased about how I am ("she's so quiet" "she's weird" "cant you talk? why dont you talk?") naturally, I am shy and quiet. But being teased and called ugly didn't make me want to talk to other kids my age. It made me very self conscious, very shy, and so I wouldn't talk to anyone. So, im known as the super quiet girl. I've been going to school with the same group of people since middle school, and we're seniors now, so that is who I am in the eyes of many people. It sucks.
I dont hang out with people after school, and I have one or two close friends. I just feel like a gigantic loser. I look back on my years of HS(and people say these are the best years of your life) and im filled with so much regret. I should've spoken more and made more friends, I shouldn't have let what people thought about me affect me so strongly...but I did. I wish I didn't, but I did. And im sad over it. I see people having so much fun, hanging with their friends after school, and then theres...me. I want to talk to people, I actually like people. But im so shy, and self conscious, and paranoid that people just think im this weirdo. The few times people try to talk to me, im so awkward, and in the moment I dont even realize it. I have this wall up to protect myself...I never know if someone genuinely wants to talk to me, or is just talking to me to get a laugh out of me (which has happened before). Im graduating soon, and I plan on making a fresh start in college, but I dont wanna just sit by and endure...I kinda want to enjoy my senior year but dont know how.

I just feel majorly pathetic...I wanna cry all the time, I just want to sleep all the time. I dont want to do anything, but at the same time, I do. It's hard to explain...

Im tired of sitting around at home feeling like a loser. I just feel like crap. I want to sleep all the time, barely have an appetite, dont want to go school...I just want to wake up and have my life be better. I want true friends and confidence...Im going to college soon, and thats going to be a fresh start, but I dont want to just grin and bear my senior year of HS. A lot of people say that HS is the best time of your life, but I look back and im filled with so much regret...I want to talk to people and make friends and socialize, but i've been going to school with the same people since middle school, and im forever known as the “ugly, shy, quiet girl” which sucks, because once you get to know me, im pretty cool...so I've been told lol

(P.S., Im hesitant about posting this under depression...not because im ashamed, but because depression really is serious...I dont want to toss the term around)

and help is appreciated... thanks

[sideblinded]

WayBackWhen, Welcome to PC.

I am so sorry that you feel so alone with your peers. You did say something very positive and that is the fact that you are going to college and that's going to be a fresh start. You are so right about that. You are still young and it takes time to develop more self esteem and just because you had certain experiences in high school or middle school does not mean that you will continue to have these experiences. Everyone who starts at a new school is coming with all kinds of insecurities and fears. You really are not alone. I think a fresh start is something to look forward to.

You are also correct that depression is a real illness and if you feel that you are depressed and it sounds like you are, please get help for this. There is hope for depression. There is therapy and medication that can ease your symptoms. Please see your doctor and get assessed for this. You are a worthy human being beautiful in your own way. You are unique and no one can be you or have the qualities that you have. You will see this very soon as your life transitions and new opportunities come your way. Be of good cheer and believe in yourself.

I am glad that you are here. Welcome to this great community. I am rooting for you. Post where and when you feel comfortable.

The community liaisons are here if you need any help in navigating this site. Best wishes.

[Nemesis1984]

I know how this feels I was teased in school too. Kids are very cruel. You know... You get told you're this or that and eventually it's internalized. It helps to hang around people who aren't going to put you down... Also, try to remember life is after HS. It really is. After you graduate, these kids who are putting you down aren't going to get very far by treating people that way.

[WayBackWhen]

Thank you guys

Do you think there's anything I can do to enjoy school now though? I'd rather not wait months to finally start having a social life, going out with friends, etc. I have acquaintances at school, but I'd feel a lil weird asking them to randomly hang out lol I know that people tend to get bored with me because I can be quiet, but it also feels unnatural for me to be talking like all of the time...thats just not how I am. I honestly dont get invited to stuff, so I dont know when everyone is hanging out...or if I do get asked to hang out, I typically dont feel good at that day (I have fibromyalgia)
I'm hesitant to try, because everyone already has an established group they hang out with, but I think I'd be willing to give it a shot...

When it comes to being more social, do you guys have tips for me? I want to make friends and learn how to not be so deathly quiet around people and weird them out when we first meet (which is tough because im not a fan of small talk, which is how people break the ice with each other...)lol

I have aquantances and what not, but I think it'd be kinda weird to ask them to hang out randomly lol And plus, I figured if people wanted to hang out with me, they would ask...so, that makes me hesitant to ask people as well. Im very quiet, so maybe thats why people dont ask to hang out with me, but then it becomes this cycle...It's a cycle I want to break, however. Like, I dont wanna wait until college to finally start to make friends, have a social life, go out and meet people, but groups of friends have already been established (since we are seniors) and so I wont have much luck joining a group of friends. I just wanna start living now! Im so ready, I just dont know where to start... :/

Thanks everyone

[Fuzzybear]

Those who put people down and point the finger at others aren't who they perceive themselves to be You're worthwhile and beautiful just as you are

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

People have been vile to you. The opinions of vile people are of very limited value. I am sure you have many good points that make you very much not a 'loser' whatever you think that word might mean.

[Cal30]

WBW,

Thanks for sharing. Meaningful relationships are really where it's at in life, and your current situation is unfortunately not yielding those relationships for you.

I disagree that high school is the best time of your life, and anyone who does believe this will no longer have anything to look forward to, once it's over. I'm 31 now, and in looking back on hs, it is amazing just how afraid, desperate to fit in, immature and foolish most of us are at that age (there are exceptions to the rule, but mostly we're pretty underdeveloped by that point). Some of the people who are shunning you now probably don't even want to shun you, but they are so afraid of stepping out against the crowd and being shunned themselves, that they won't risk standing up for you. Cowardly, I know, but it may be true.

As for the illusion of how good others have it, everybody has got problems. Everybody. Yes some have it worse or better than others, but the ache of daily life is something we all experience for our whole lives. It's better at times, worse at times, but it's always there. That's not to say there can't be joy, love, rest, peace and happiness in this life. There can be!, but the ache of life is inescapable. It will find you wherever you go and whatever you do. Do not believe the lie that anyone has escaped the ache. They haven't! They just hide it well! Scratch beneath the surface, and sooner or later you'll find a wound that won't heal, a fear, an anxiety, a sadness, a loneliness, etc. We all have it. We all have to deal with it. It's there.

My concern for you, is that this whole experience could end up making you very vulnerable for the rest of your life. You could end up carrying this insecurity with you into future relationships and making poor decisions in an attempt to gain acceptance and love. There is a way to get this love and acceptance without compromising your honor or integrity, and I know about it. I will share it with you.

The humanists will say that the answer lies within, etc. etc., but I believe the answer is found in a humble and intentional relationship with God. If you truly pursue a relationship with the most powerful being in the universe, He will reveal Himself to you. It won't make your life perfect or solve all of your problems, not at all, but He will get you through it, and if you abide in Him, He will protect you, provide for you, help you, and love you.

When humans love each other it is for various reasons, but in many cases, what appears to be love on the surface is just selfishness. "e.g. I love you because of how you make me feel, what you can do for me, what I can get out of this relationship with you." God's love is not this way. He loves us because He created us. He loves us because it's His very nature to love, and to show kindness to the ungrateful. We can't earn His love. We don't have to. He gives it freely. All we have to do is accept it.

If you establish a relationship with God and find a good Bible believing church, it could really help you. Some churches are not good, but the ones that focus on the Bible and try to honor God with their lives, those folks will accept you and love you. Believe me, if they can accept and love me, they can accept and love you too.

Cal

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central (PC) WayBackWhen. Sorry to hear you have been suffering from depression. Many people try a psych doc and with meds. Staying on the meds keeps them on a balanced, grounded place. Some people at PC will find a therapist will also help them sort out the roots of their life.

Getting sleep may be the single one thing that keeps me in balance. If you are not sleeping or having bad side affects, contact your psychiatrist and tell him what is happening so you can make adjustments.

I find that mindfulness (meditation without the religion) and breath awareness help me cope with stress.

Many people find compassionate, caring people here at PC. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

There are articles that go into more detail about coping with depression. (search box right top enter depression)
Psych Central - Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD & psychology information.

Please feel free to private message any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[kaliope]

hi waybackwhen
while depression is a pretty serious thing, your post carries several red flags for depression. you may want to see a counselor to be evaluated. you could also discuss skills to raise your self-esteem. i think you are putting to much emphasis on this belief that high school should be the greatest time of your life. for a lot of people, it was not a good experience. for the popular kids maybe, but it really is about getting a good education.

there is a way you can try to start feeling better about yourself when you feel/think these critical thoughts about yourself. I came up with one indisputable fact. one good thing about me that I could not deny no matter how bad I felt about myself. for me it was that I was a good writer. I have always gotten A's on my papers for as long as I can remember and write professional evaluations today that receive praise. there is no denying that I am a good writer. so when I started running off that list of bad things in my head, I could say, yeah, but I am a good writer to compliment myself and feel good instead of bad. soon I found more good things about me and added them to the list. it took awhile but eventually I started believing that I was a good person with these good qualities. this is how I built my self esteem.

welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[WayBackWhen]

You guys are lovely <3 thank you so much. Im feeling a little better today...I might hang out with a friend this week so im pretty excited (and it caught me off guard--they offered...it made me really happy!)

[CosmicRose]

You sound exactly like me when I was in high school, I was dealing with the exact same thing, it was awful. I was called "weird" a few times too, and that just made me feel even more awkward.
I'm 22 now and I can honestly say I don't even think about high school at all anymore. To be honest, if someone says "high school is the best years of your life", then I kind of feel sorry for them, because that means their best moments were in...high school?! Wow. As opposed to actual adult life or college or moving out for the first time or anything else ten times more exciting than high school? Lol

High school is ridiculous, and once you're out, you won't miss it and you won't even think about it. You'll be too busy paying your bills, and moving on with your life. The people you've known since middle school won't even be a blip on your radar. I don't speak to a single person I knew back in high school.

Even if you're the most popular person in high school, chances are, you won't keep in touch with any of them either. Life works that way. People move, life happens. No one really cares. So find solace in knowing that you CAN be yourself, and you CAN have fun because HOW YOU FEEL is ALL that matters since you literally will not see any of them ever again.
There's way bigger things to worry about than high school peers. You'll realize this once you're in college and start working, and you'll just look back and laugh at how silly it all was and that there was no reason to be taking it all seriously.

And if people call you weird, just realize how much they are lacking in their character, that they would go out of their way to make someone else feel bad about themselves.

[Dan208]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm 35 and still feel like a loser. I look at all these people that have accomplished so much in their lives and realize that I'm "just living". About the only thing that I'm really proud of is my beautiful 8 year old daughter. Sometimes it seems like she's the only thing that I've got right.

[vital]

Hi WayBack,

Here's my best advice for that:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

See the top and the end of the thread for more details.

- vital