emotional rollercoaster

Today has been so all over the place. Let me add that I woke up at 5:30am and slept for about 3 hours. Before I left in the morning, I forgot to take my Wellbutrin SR med and I didn't bring it with me either which makes it worse cause I'm not going be back home until around 5pm. So I already feel out of whack and pretty much like crap.

After my morning class, I went to go drop in to see if my T could see me for a emergency crisis. I had severe depression epi and crisis over the past weekend where I had my first ever attempt. This last epi is probably the worst I've ever had and felt. I figured I might as well drop in now and tell her about it before I change my mind and never ever speak word about it including to my T or pdoc. The meeting with her was the most difficult and emotional that I've ever had. She came so so so close to involuntarily sending me to the hospital. I didn't want to go and was fighting against that notion so hard. I was eventually able to come to a compromise with her and she laid out options I had to agree with that were clear, cut and was a prevention plan she felt she could trust. It was either that or be forced to the crisis er. She also brought in a psychologist for additional opinions on my epi and attempt. I was thinking to myself, "Was it so serious and necessary that I had to have another person give their take on it too?" The whole meeting, talking about everything and getting deeper into certain things was so so so extremely damn hard. It was more emotional than I could have ever imagined it to be. It felt like I was choking on air. I had so much trouble getting words out and even being able to articulate anything with tears constantly flowing out. I had to give her numbers where she could contact and talk to people I am close to so they can be aware and be able to handle/take action when I'm under those circumstances so I gave her my godsister's information. I refused to give any information about my immediate family at all costs where they could be notified or told about anything that I'm dealing with. Note that this was extremely hard because no one knows about my mental health and problems to this extent, not even close. I also had to call hotlines together with her because I have always rejected calling hotlines. She also forced me to meet back with her on Wednesday for a crisis check up.

I'm now sitting in the lobby, writing this out from my tablet and trying to get back to Earth and emotionally calm down. What an emotional rollercoaster. I just went flying through the sky in, through and out of loops at 200 miles per hour. I feel like a emotional wreck and feel just so tired because of my lack of sleep and missed medication.

Sorry for extremely long post...this has some what become a journal for me to outlet even if no one else reads it. I don't tell my T and pdoc everything and not even close to what all of my thoughts are as I'm sure other people can relate. So this has been really helpful for me at times. I do really appreciate everyone that does take the time to read everything I say even though a lot of it may have been unpleasant sometimes.

I'm glad you were able to talk to her today. Now you don't have to worry about telling her about your epi.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!

Thank you so much Iris. You have been my number 1 supporter throughout my entire time here. I wonder sometimes what I might've done if I hadn't talked to you during some of those times when I was talking to you.

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