[flameboy13]

Im a fairly logical person, have been going through depression for the last 10 years of my life now (currently in my mid 20's) and although there are times I get some respite, I for no apparent reason can wake up some days and feel like utter crap… back to square one. Its so frustrating, just when I begin to think more clearly, feel more like myself again and things seem to be fitting into place (I'm more sociable, I can laugh, I can plan for the future, I enjoy the little things in life, I lose anxiety, I feel confident etc.), I fall back to the original feelings.

I can understand the whole idea that you're thoughts are how you feel and behave, i have been going through CBT and really enjoy it and think it makes great sense, but how do you deal with feeling like crap automatically even before you have automatic negative thoughts.

Bit only my background; have been depressed from mid teens, had a traumatic family event that i feel led to all of this (I can't remember not feeling myself all the time before this), that lead to bulimia, a lot of shame and guilt and repressed emotions. As a result my relationship with my parents is pretty poor, I'm constantly angry with my mum and this makes me feel really guilty because she does so much for me, I just want to feel myself again so we can get on like we do when i feel normal, its obviously very hard on her. We get on great when I feel myself and it makes me feel bad because like any mum how I feel gristly affects how she feels. My relationship with my dad is horrible, i only break breath to him if i have to and i despise him a lot of the time but i would never vocalise it because I'm too afraid too, theres a lot of repressed anger there I guess. Me and my brother had a fall out a few years back and basically don't speak at all, he infuriates me just the sight and thought of him boils my blood and his mannerisms really annoy me. I turned from a successful, happy, confident, smart and over achieving guy to a shadow of my former self. I lost confidence in relationships, friendships and basically lost all confidence in myself that had once been through the roof. I lost touch with the friends that I had hung around with at the time of the traumatic event and I felt ashamed that i had let them down, If i see them now I panic and become defensive and reserved.

All my feelings I thought were just the normal part of growing up, I didn't feel like my bulimia and fits of exercise and making myself sick were abnormal, and I guess I didn't want to admit I had a problem I was too a shamed and was afraid of what anyone would think. It all came to a head when i dropped out of university several times and had to leave full time education.

I have since completed a degree now and am currently in employment but these feelings of depression seem to come for no apparent reason every few days or weeks and i feel like I'm constantly fighting a losing battle. I will cling onto something that gives me hope, Ill partake in something new, ill feel better and then my mood picks up and I feel great and like this is it, this will be me fixed for the rest of my life now and of course i will feel happy and like the old me again, confident and full of life. Then either something comes along and knocks me down (i understand looking at a different way could help stop me from getting depressed about it CBT) but other times its like I automatically just feel duff for no reason. Like I've been feeling great the last few days and then one evening and then next day i woke up with a really pressurised head and began feeling lack of motivation and anxious again for no apparent reason.

I just want something to widen out the better days and to lessen the length and severity of the bad days. Im not expecting to be fully fixed straight away or in the near future, i just want the me feeling me to last longer and those periods to widen out with time. Its so frustrating because Im such a smart, funny and caring guy and I feel like I have got so much to give the world and all of this is holding me back. Any advice/similar stories would be greatly appreciated.

[TheOriginalMe]

Hi I replied to your other thread before I read this one. I know you have found meds problematic, but it is worth going back to your doctor and discussing some of the meds you haven't tried there are a lot out there and sometimes you have to try a lot before finding one that suits. It is also worth asking your doc for a general health screen to rule out any physical causes of your depression like metabolic problems or viral infections.

Once again welcome to psych central, I hope you find it a helpful resource.

[Clara22]

I think that if your depression has an important biological component, triggers may not be that important. You may have "waves of depression" regardless past or current events. Of course, the biological components of your depression do not operate in isolation, they interact with other factors.
I think that the genesis of your depression (a traumatic event, family patterns, etc) is not as important as the way your depression works actually.
In my case, medication plays a fundamental role in the beginning of the recovery. It helps me to lift me up. Then, there are other things that help me better, like cognitive tools and mindfulness.

Hi flameboy13, I didn't have a traumatic event that I feel led up to my depression. However, I have been depressed for as long as I can remember and wasn't diagnosed until my early 20's. Since being diagnosed, I've been treated with medication mostly. I've seen a psychiatrist in the past and this year I started seeing a psychotherapist. Like you said, things can be great (normal) and then for no apparent reason, I can wake up and just feel in total despair. I don't know why this happens. Of course when there's stress, or something significant happens (like a death) it can trigger bad feelings or make depression rise up and take over. I also feel like my life is a constant battle with depression. You feel normal, happy... And then it all disappears and you are left fighting just not to feel miserable. I don't know if this is 'normal'. But I experience this and it seems to be a constant cycle in my life. I too wish I could make the bad moments not last as long. Happiness is glorious and it would be so nice if we could just stay in that place! Whatever it is we are going through, no, you are not alone.

[flameboy13]

Does anyone here have past history of cannabis at a young age? I always thought that that's what might have kicked it off. I did it maybe 10 times at most, and was always worried that it had messed up with my brain chemistry, like is there anyone out there with major depressive illness or bipolar with no past history of substance use/abuse. Thanks.

[TheOriginalMe]

I've never done drugs and I have been depressed on and off for 30 plus years. I believe cannabis use has been linked to psychosis in teenagers, but in your case I think you are making a connection that is almost certainly a coincidence. I think you are worrying unduly about the connection because of the traumatic incident with your father. That's my opinion but to know for sure you'd need to talk to a doctor.