[i dont matter]

I have been feeling a decline coming on for awhile now. Like the meds simply are not doing anything for me.

And my darkness (aka depression) creeps back.

Then yesterday, I was looking for something that I "thought" I had placed on my wife's computer. So, I looked in a few folders and the recycle bin. When in the recycle bin I see that she had recently deleted a PDF of "basic divorce laws" for my state.

I can not blame her. I am a mess and have never been a good husband. But seeing that SLAMMED me back into my darkness. I have speculated that the only reason she has not divorced me is because she is a nice person and is worried about my "safety". So, my prediction has been that once I am stable - she will file for divorce then..... Now I am pretty certain of it.

Possible trigger:

Leaving my family..... they would not have to be embarrassed of me any longer. They could collect insurance. it makes more and more sense.

dark, dark thoughts.

[Frankbtl]

Hi IDM, I know it must have hit you really hard seeing that I'm sorry
BUT, the KEY word in that is "speculated", now she could have been looking that up for anyone, right?? Family member, friend, friend of a friend.........and certainly if anyone looked into my computer (especially after being on PC ) then they could draw up hundreds/thousands of conclusions which would be mis-leading.
So maybe it was for someone/anyone else??!! And the fact that she deleted it.........well maybe it just didn't answer the questions she/they were looking to be answered, I know I've deleted plenty of things for that reason........or maybe it was just a "fleeting thought" and...........so slow down a little, hey??
And when you say you've never been a good husband........well chance that's the depression telling you a lot of that??? But if you do think there are some areas you can improve on well maybe that's just something to try and work on bit by bit???
But regardless........you know marriages/relationships do have up's and down's if.........but that seriously doesn't mean that they are necessarily lost..........so if you think have a talk to her about it, and there will be options after that if the marriage needs a little more "attention" from you both.

Alison

[Fizzyo]

Frankbtl is talking sense. I've nothing to offer but my compassion for what it's worth.

[peaches100]

Please try not to jump to conclusions. Maybe she was looking for some other reason.

I know it will be hard, but I seriously think you need to talk to her about what you saw. Ask her to tell you if she was looking at this because she is considering divorce. Ask her how she feels, and let her express it. Even if you feel very upset, let her share her feelings. It's the only way you can find out if she is unhappy in the marriage, and why.

If it's true, maybe by knowing what's bothering her, the two of you can work things out. And, if it isn't about you, then you won't be suffering with the what-if's! I know what torture that is!!

(Also, I'm pretty sure your wife would not be able to collect insurance. I've been told insurance companies won't pay out under that scenario.)

[SeekerOfLife]

James, I am sorry about your hurtful discovery. To wonder/speculate/assume is very often more painful than the reality. When my husband filed for divorce, it was less painful than thinking he might be 'thinking about' divorce.

Please do not assume the worst. I know it is very difficult to open up a conversation about what you saw. But speculating could lead you on all kinds of wrong paths. Please care enough to ask her. Get yourself calm and settled. Just state the facts. Ask her what is on her mind. Ask how she feels. Tell her how you feel. Take a deep breath every so often.