[JohnCrow]

And here we stand for we can do naught else

I feel no joy in anything

I am putting off going to the doctors for the 'thing' on my kidney because, honestly, I hope it is cancer

That way I can die and not eff up a suicide (I wouldn't even do that right)

I never realized how much of me was my friend who died last year. We were friends for a long time, had very similar hobbies and a good chunk of that was bouncing our opinions off each other on them

Right now I am either destroying or selling my possessions because I don't feel anything for them. I used to read the comic Walking Dead because I would shoot the **** over it with my friend and now... it means nothing

I don't make friends easy (well, duh, everyone says) and I cannot find someone like him. Why did you die? You weren't old, you didn't deserve it

You mattered to a lot of people. Especially me.

[Frankbtl]

Hi JohnCrow, I'm sorry for your loss
It sounds like this friend was very important in your life and you're still grieving for them.
And sometimes grief can be a very cold, empty, lonely place to be, and I can see how you feel little else matters
But although there's no timeline to grief it can ease over time........if you give yourself time.
And for right now, I'm afraid there's no magic answers here, but you know that anyway right??
Sometimes you need to feel that sadness, emptiness, pain,, before you're able to move forward. And positive thoughts, trying to believe things aren't so bad.........just doesn't cut it at times, it is hard. Just know that this doesn't need to last forever.
And gradually when you think of them you will be able to smile, you will feel a warmth, you will find memories of them to be a comfort rather than a wrench, you will be able to feel more glad that you had them rather than the overwhelming feeling of their loss.
And they are still there for you in a way you know........their "presence" is still there with you in the time you spent together, in your memories, That can be there for you as long as you need it.
So give yourself time, hey?? And those possessions.........while they might mean nothing at all to you now.........or even be a source of pain at times..........well they might mean something later on, as the "blackness" starts lifting, so if it's not too late I'd say maybe keep something/s even if you put them in the back of a cupboard for now. Something to return to in the future??
And you're right, you may not find anyone else exactly like them...........but over time people can come into your life who can offer you slightly different but still really meaningful, significant, powerful things too. So again in time.........
And I've got to say..........going to the doctors..........your friend clearly meant a lot to you, so makes sense you meant a lot to them, sounds like you enriched each others lives.........so they would have wanted the best for you, right?? You know they'd be telling you to go now if they could...........so if you can't do it for you, then maybe try to do it for them??? Because you do still matter.

Alison

[Fuzzybear]