[The Fox & the Hound]

What did it feel like? How did others react? How did they know?

[iditp20]

I was hospitalised but refused to tell anyone. I just went missing for a few weeks. It makes you feel like a failure for not succeeding

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[Roxygirl816]

I didn't tell anyone either except my immediate family and boss. Nobody really said anything cause they were kinda scared to. After coming out of a 2 day coma I felt disappointed to be alive and also like a failure. I hated the week in lock down and all I wanted was to see my PsyD. That was torture cause I knew she could help me. I will say though that there were times when I was glad I didn't succeed. Guess that didn't last too long since I made 2 more attempts within the year. Of all, the first was by far the worst and most disappointing and depressing (especially since it really should have worked).

[Webgoji]

I'm lucky enough that years of meditation have taught me to keep part of my mind back observing what the rest is doing. I was able to get enough control to make calls and get the emergency process rolling. Both times I dodged the involuntary hospitalizations.

The thing that got me though ... nobody ever asked what triggered it to begin with.

[Pierro]

I felt worse than ever when I woke up. All I wanted to do was............. Looking at my kids smiling now, I am glad I did not suceed

[Altered Moment]

I do not know how serious and attempt it was cause I kinda knew it wouldn't work but i didn't know for sure. I wanted it to work at the time.

I slept for three day. When I woke up I was deeply ashamed of myself. Not for failing but for trying. I didn't tell anyone for a month and then told my boss. Then I told my mental health professionals. Very few people know and they did not react that badly. It was over and I was ok. My boss just really got on my case about getting more help. I was already getting lots of help.

Your question is quite concerning though Fox. It indicates you are thinking about plans and that is a huge step from thoughts.

[TheOriginalMe]

For me, living with the aftermath, the hurt and distress of my family has always been far harder than depression itself. I remember the look of anguish on my mum's face when She asked me "Why?" and I answered "Because I want to die." That look haunts me 25 years later.

The ER was pretty horrible, having my stomach washed out and then having to drink liquid charcoal for three days.

I couldn't go on a psych ward as the pills I took cause serious cardiac problems so I was on a medical ward and the people in the beds around me were all seriously ill (cancer, heart attacks and things like that) and all fighting for their lives. I felt so ashamed and guilty because I was perfectly healthy (hardly ever getting sick) and I wanted to die and all the other people there were going to die but wanted to live.

Living with my failed attempts (there was another, not worth mentioning here though) is what keeps me safe now. I am never going to put myself through that again.

Remember, it is never too late to ask for help, but the sooner the better.

[vital]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

For me, living with the aftermath, the hurt and distress of my family has always been far harder than depression itself. I remember the look of anguish on my mum's face when She asked me "Why?" and I answered "Because I want to die." That look haunts me 25 years later.

The ER was pretty horrible, having my stomach washed out and then having to drink liquid charcoal for three days.

I couldn't go on a psych ward as the pills I took cause serious cardiac problems so I was on a medical ward and the people in the beds around me were all seriously ill (cancer, heart attacks and things like that) and all fighting for their lives. I felt so ashamed and guilty because I was perfectly healthy (hardly ever getting sick) and I wanted to die and all the other people there were going to die but wanted to live.

Living with my failed attempts (there was another, not worth mentioning here though) is what keeps me safe now. I am never going to put myself through that again.

Remember, it is never too late to ask for help, but the sooner the better.

I'm glad you're alive OriginalMe - vital

[katelyn1019]

When I woke up, I sat in bed for three hours. I threw up a lot, and now that I think back to it, I probably should have went to the hospital. I remember walking out into the living room where my family was and my mom said she let me sleep because I looked sick. I never told anybody what I tried doing and I don't think I ever will.

[The Fox & the Hound]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

I do not know how serious and attempt it was cause I kinda knew it wouldn't work but i didn't know for sure. I wanted it to work at the time.

I slept for three day. When I woke up I was deeply ashamed of myself. Not for failing but for trying. I didn't tell anyone for a month and then told my boss. Then I told my mental health professionals. Very few people know and they did not react that badly. It was over and I was ok. My boss just really got on my case about getting more help. I was already getting lots of help.

Your question is quite concerning though Fox. It indicates you are thinking about plans and that is a huge step from thoughts.

I'm getting closer and closer to trll the truth

[ScarletPimpernel]

I've attempted 3 times. First 2 were on purpose. Last one was on accident. First one, when I was 13, I woke up and felt disappointed. Second one, when I was 20, the whole situation actually helped me to stop SI'ing. Third one was about 6 months ago. I was SI'ing and went too far. I should have gone to the ER and I should have gotten stitches. I had to see my doctor for 5 weeks in a row to make sure it heal correctly.

I still struggle with the thoughts, but after my last attempt, I know that I actually want to live. It scared the **** out of me (and my doctors and family). My T has helped me have a safety plan and coping skills. And now I'm aware that an accident is more dangerous to me than actually having intent (because with intent I have a chance to reach out, but an accident doesn't give me that last chance).

[puzzclar]

I've been think about this thread a lot. Fox it is concerning but also helpful to realize that there are people around us that care a lot about us, and how we view ourselves after the fact. Let's both of us keep that in mind as we both decide to ask for help, or not. (for more of my own thoughts, it's on my blog)

[BeBrave483]

It's ****. Most times no one ever knew (I even went into work one day after an attempt cow I didn't know what else to do) the one time my family knew and had to take me to hospital was the worst night of my whole life. They were so mad at me and I just felt to stupid and selfish for putting them through it, my dad wouldn't even look at me. The reason I did it, which seemed huge before and as I did it, just seemed so stupid after and the whole thing was pointless and should never have happened. Then my brother and his wife came home from their honeymoon to the news. I still feel awful about that. One thing is that was 6years ago and I haven't attempted it since. I can't do that to them again. Though my thoughts have been bad lately. I can't go into that though cos of the rules. It also feels like another thing I fail at. Like everything else. And depending on how you attempt it, you may end up feeling very ill which doesn't help either. Just please, tell someone if you feel so unsafe (though I'm a big hypocrite for saying that) I just wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's horrible

[Altered Moment]

Originally Posted by The Fox & the Hound

I'm getting closer and closer to trll the truth

I am glad to hear that.

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[Creative1onder]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I've attempted 3 times. First 2 were on purpose. Last one was on accident. First one, when I was 13, I woke up and felt disappointed. Second one, when I was 20, the whole situation actually helped me to stop SI'ing. Third one was about 6 months ago. I was SI'ing and went too far. I should have gone to the ER and I should have gotten stitches. I had to see my doctor for 5 weeks in a row to make sure it heal correctly.

I still struggle with the thoughts, but after my last attempt, I know that I actually want to live. It scared the **** out of me (and my doctors and family). My T has helped me have a safety plan and coping skills. And now I'm aware that an accident is more dangerous to me than actually having intent (because with intent I have a chance to reach out, but an accident doesn't give me that last chance).

What do you mean by having accident? Is that when its spontaneous, not planned, sudden? When ive been close to acting on suicidal ideas i haven't actually intended /planned to kill myself. I've had strong impulsive feeling of acting on suicidal ideas but ive felt resistance in me at same time from actually doing act.

[monkeybruv]

I kind-of had an 'accident'. I'd gone from having impulses and visions of ending my life violently for years to planning carefully, doing loads of research, for a reliable and peaceful method that would disturb other people as little as possible. I knew if I went through with it it would have to work as I wouldn't be able to deal with the fallout. As it happened, I got so hysterical and irrational due to my boyfriend refusing to talk to me in a fight that I couldn't handle the pain, something i thought i'd never do as it's so unreliable and so painful. after half an hour i realised what i'd done and thought about my family and housemates and everyone and tried to throw it up. my housemate heard me and called the ambulance and it was a terrible drama, i felt so stupid. I stayed in overnight feeling like a fake but barely knowing what was happening. i think my blood pressure problems there were probably just from the stress as i think i got all the pills up, and i had charcoal. i went around for a week or so in a daze, and felt terrible, probably as i had to go cold turkey on the meds i used up, and probably because it didn't feel real. everyone seemed to take it a lot more seriously than i did, i just wanted to forget it , it was a mistake. as for now...it doesn't even seem a real part of my life. i hope it never happens again. the only lasting problem is that i get panic attacks whenever i taste something chemically or bitter - it reminds me of how my lips went numb and the taste wouldn't go.

[Creative1onder]

Sorry i dont know what you mean by accident. I personally just think people either have spontaneous impulsive strong suicidal feelings and ideas or they make plans to end their life. I've never attempted or really intended and planned to kill self but i have been close to acting on suicidal ideas when they have arisen suddenly without me expecting it. I'm glad i have managed to resist acting on them but it has been frightening reliving the experiences and i don't feel out of danger still of actually doing something.

[Nammu]

I've tried a few times it always ends the same.

People around me are upset and feel like it's their fault-- it never is about other people. when I'm at that point my perception is altered to the point I believe I'm a burden, a disease that needs to be gotten rid of for the good of all.

I wake up in the ICU or CICU then I'm transferred to involuntary psych hold where I'm put on 1-1 watch. Meaning I can go nowhere including the bathroom without a staff being within touching position. I feel physically awful, I'm often on a liquid diet, I'm emotionally drained I just want to be left alone and I'm never alone as long as I'm on the psych unit.

I am now better at knowing it is my perception that is the problem and fear of ending up in that position motivates me to get help before I try again.

If you are able to think about it get help don't do it.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by The Fox & the Hound

What did it feel like? How did others react? How did they know?

It's exhausting. Think my paternal gram knew. Stopped there, for a couple days. She sat on her chair while I swam in the lake behind their home. It's also a spiritually quiet and humbling experience.

[Creative1onder]

My fear is that i could act on strong suicidal impulsive feeling and idea at any time when i'm in a risky place where feel unsafe, vulnerable to do something when i'm in severe depressive agitated state.

[Steiner of Thule]

Lots of shame

[smmath]

It was a learning experience, but in reality it didn't change much because I was did it again a few years later. It did however force my family to give the professional support that I needed. But I think you can get all the positive affects without attempting.

[Wish I was a cat]

It's an awful experience. I felt guilty for putting my family through so much pain. I felt at the time I was no good to anyone. My husband sadly succeeded in his attempt 2 mos before I tried. I was so lost without him. I had immense guilt that I should of known and got him help. I was angry because he left me.
I am an alcoholic and my drinking intensified after his death. Just wanted to be numb. Luckily as soon as I did it, I was like **** and called 911. I don't remember the ER as I was unconscious by that time. I woke up on another floor of the hospital with 1-1 supervision. Basically on suicide watch. Was transferred to an inpatient facility as was told how close I had come to dying.
I then had to deal with the pain on the faces of my children and parents.
I tell you, it was not worth it! Even as bad I feel most days because of my depression and anxiety, i am glad to be alive.
Please get help if you are having any ideations. Suicide is so devastating on family and friends. I think of my husband everyday, and I feel so sad thinking of the pain he was going through to make him end his life.

[puzzclar]

I told someone that I was suicidal, ended up inpatient for a few days. Saw someone that attempted it and was still alive. I also saw those that were involuntarily committed, and had court to get out. I don't regret asking for help.

[Silent Void]

I was pissed off every time I failed.

The voice(s) pestered me to do it. I hate them.

I felt, still feel, like a complete failure. I couldn't even kill myself.