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#1
May 12, 2015, 05:37 AM
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I feel like such a fake. I mean I put on a smile everyday almost for someone. I don't want them to feel awkward or anything. My spouse is the only one who gets the real me daily. Other than that its my therapist. Sometimes I slip. Sometimes its real. I get told at work that I'm miss sunshine. That it's nice to see someone dealing with cancer at my age keeping a positive attitude. If only they knew what went on in my head most of the time.
I blame myself for getting cancer. That it's what I deserve. That I shouldn't take my medicine because 10 years ago the cancer I've got didn't have treatment and that's what I deserve. This cancer will never away. Remission doesn't mean gone it means controlled. I heard fake it till you make it, but I feel like that's a lie. I fake it to make other people more comfortable. Then when I help other people with their issues I don't feel fake. I'm using my experiences. They are helping me relate. They give me a unique perspective. Then right back to faking it. Most of the time. Normal or not it's what I do.
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PTSD possible bipolar Meds: propranalol 20mg 2x's(blood pressure), lamictal 300mg, seroquel 100mg, effexor 75mg, sprycel 100mg (CML, chronic myeloid leukemia), iron supplement, multivitamin  |
 Fuzzybear, NyxAngel, secretgalaxy
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 NyxAngel
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#2
May 12, 2015, 01:15 PM
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For me fake it to make it is more about survival then feeling better. Then you get the real stuff like what you say about helping people and that is what makes you feel better imo. It is normal otherwise I'd be telling everyone who treats me rudely to f off and lose my job hahaha
 It's also really cool that your spouse gets you. For some it won't even be that much.
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| NyxAngel, tigersassy
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#3
May 12, 2015, 01:19 PM
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Also I'm having trouble understanding the guilt from cancer. It's just because there's treatment for it now? I would think you would want to be treated so that all those that did pass away did it with reason. (if that makes sense). What you say is correct but I think remission > controlled > survival > life just as good as cure > away > life. Am I understanding this incorrectly?
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| tigersassy
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#4
May 12, 2015, 01:23 PM
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__________________
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| tigersassy
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#5
May 12, 2015, 06:58 PM
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It's not guilt from cancer. It's because of abuse issues. Which I can see clearly (sometimes) isn't right. I feel like a horrible person thanks to being told for so long that crap....
__________________
PTSD possible bipolar Meds: propranalol 20mg 2x's(blood pressure), lamictal 300mg, seroquel 100mg, effexor 75mg, sprycel 100mg (CML, chronic myeloid leukemia), iron supplement, multivitamin |
| NyxAngel
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#6
May 12, 2015, 10:50 PM
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Ah I see well idk if this means anything but I want you to get better
hopefully my voice will drown out those memories if only for now
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| NyxAngel
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| tigersassy
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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