[Djinn8]

I'm lonely. Horribly lonely and have been for a long time now. I don't know what it is, but I'm just not treat the same as most people.

I used to have friends and be part of a community. Had a girlfriend. I used to do stuff and be a part of the world, but now there's just nothing.

When I moved house I did so with a girlfriend that I was engaged to, but as soon as we arrived we found that the people we had contact with through my sister treat us as outsiders and were very exclusive and clique. After months of this, both me and my girlfriend started to become depressed, having gone from living a fairly sociable life to been outcasts and looked down on. It put a lot of pressure on our relationship and she ended up cheating on me. She was always very prone to the whole "white knight" routine and she DID need saving, even if that meant letting me go down with the ship. Anyway, it was messy and it was a long time ago now (almost four years now), but that's where this all started.

With my girlfriend gone, the person I spent most of my time with was out of the picture and I was left with noone to go out and do things with. I approached the situation optimistically at first.

I started to use dating sites to meet someone new, which after on-and-off use (but putting effort into the periods I did), went on exactly one date with a person who I never saw again.

I took up sports in the hopes of meeting people that way, but never did - and not been a very athletic person or particularly keen on that sort of thing, lost interest pretty quickly.

I started to attend art groups after that - this been my area of interest. First was an art therepy group, which I still attend on an off to this day, though I am the only male member of the group and the youngest by several decades at least. The other members of the group aren't really my friends, more like agony-aunts (or agony-grans considering their age). But that role is wearing thin. After all, how long can you talk about the same problem to the same people before you're flogging a dead horse and just getting on everyone's nerves. So my attendance there has waned several over the last quater or so. Not much point in going to therapy if you can't talk about your problems.

After that I joined up with another artist group comprised of a crowd more my own age, where I was helping out with a community art project. I found myself faced with the same issue that I had with my sisters friends - a sort of arrogance and pomposity that borders on bullying. It seems like most people my own age are like this. I find that I get on better with older people. Not really been close with them (the age difference is a bit of a barrier), but at least older folks don't sneer.

I joined another group a short while after that which was more workshop orientated. There I had a bit more success with people, meeting two people who were on the surface friendly, but I soon found out that were just very two-faced - making arrangements, then breaking them at short notice, else just standing me cold. When I confronted one of them about their lack of consideration, they basically told me that I was just some scrub that wasn't worth the consideration and that they had real friends.

I made another attempt to reach out into the world, this time trying not so much to be a part of the group (a worker bee as it were), but to be the head honcho instead. To that end I started up my own artist group, running it out of a local social enterprising organisation. That ran for several months, but in that time not a single person so much as went to lunch with me, let alone became a close friend, or even a lose associate for that matter. Well, there was this one girl. She was one of my regular members and I got the impression that she was looking for a boyfriend, given her facebook posts and such. She was cute, we were the same age, and we got along, so I figured that it was worth asking her out to get to know each other outside the group. There was a lot of bad timing and stuff, but eventually we did go out for a drink, to which she invited her ex along with us without my knowing (awkward!). Afterwards I said I was a bit disappointed that we didn't get the chance to spend the time together properly. Her reaction was to vanish from existence along with a bunch of equipment she stole from my class. A little after that the term of my workshop ended. I arranged for a second run, even doing a lot of publicity and working a local craft festival to drum up interest, but on the day none one came.

Next I attended another art group. It was run by the same people as the one a paragraph ago, so there were some old faces as well as new ones. But my heart just wasn't in it and I didn't even try to reach out to the people there. Half the time I didn't even attend.

Been at home all the time I spend a lot of time on the internet, and on sites such as this. And I've made one or two internet friends her and there. One of these I became closer too than most. She invited me to come over to America and stay with her, understanding my situation. I was all up for it. I figured the change of scene and a being around a different breed of people would revitalize me, as well as been an adventure - something to tell the grand kids I'll never have - so I agreed. We planned and talked about it for months. I set all my affairs in order, got the money together (no small feat considering I'm unemployed), and said my goodbyes. Then a month or so ago she changed her mind and I had to go through the heartbreaking disappointment and embarrassment that came with that. I flipped my **** about it and came really close to topping myself. We had a really nasty argument for weeks. In the end we made up, though I found it humiliating to let the insult go. In a strange twist it's now her who's coming over here, though her primary purpose is for her to visit her boyfriend who lives here in England and I'm a side excursion. Still I'm looking forward to it in a way since this will be the first time I've had a visitor. But I can't help but fell like I'm getting the consolation prize though. And ultimately what difference does it make in the long run? A day or so that I have company, then right back to the unending isolationist. Whoop-de-do.

TLDR:

Anyway... almost there. If you read all this then thanks for showing the interest. Last bit of the story now and the ultimate point of all this. I just wanted to give the back story for the complete picture for those who care.

So this new year I was directed towards a new place. Another artist group. They were looking for volunteers to help coordinate a lantern festival. I signed myself up, but on the induction day I didn't go. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's not anxiety or anything like that which stopped me, it's just that I've sort of awoken to the truth of the situation. The person I was is gone. Yes I use to have friends and be a part of the world, but that guy's dead. It's simply not possible for me to have friends or feel close to people anymore. I didn't go because the thing I'm looking for doesn't exist, and surrounding myself with people who reinforce that notion only hurts me further. But the alternative is to do what I'm doing now, which is nothing at all. Every day I wake up and try to keep myself busy with joyless activities. I don't know what day it is anymore as every day is the same as the last. Even this post is only been written because I can't go to sleep. Every time I lay down the walls start closing in and a scream bubbles up in me that has me up and about trying to find anything to do that will distract me from the horrific truth of the situation: That my life is over. That'll never experience a moment of joy, excitement, love or self worth again. That this is it until I die. Just day after day of busying myself with pointless exercises that are meaningless to the world and myself, until I have a heart-attack or finally work up the courage to put an end to it all.

So advise if you can, but honestly, the only thing any of you can do is prove to me that I'm wrong by been a friend. But I don't mean in an "internet messenger" kind of way. I mean by been an actual part of my life who gives my a sense of worth, belonging, appreciation and that I can create memories with by having actual experiences.

Oh dear, Djinn8, I'm afraid I'm just another one of those oldsters you wrote of in your post. So I can't be of much help. And I'm not going to try to convince you your life isn't over. I'll leave that to others.

I do know some little bit of how you feel. I always sort-of felt like the outsider as well, for the most part. Eventually I just gave up caring or trying. I am married. So I'm not entirely alone. But otherwise I just keep to myself. And over time I've become comfortable with it. At this point, I wouldn't care to have it otherwise. My best wishes to you...

[Djinn8]

I thought I'd update how things have been going. It's all bad naturally.

-

I was invited to a Chinese New Years party by my brother-in-law's brother, down in Bristol. I was excited to be going, and been the first person's house I'd have visited since I moved here, I though I'd do something nice for them and make a candle in the shape of a goat skull to mark the occasion. I spent about a month sculpting and making the molds and the end result turned out well. The plan was that I was going to ride down to Bristol with my sister in her car, but the week before the party, my sister was "unavailable" or ignoring my calls and they went to Bristol without me.

-

I reopened my online dating profile and got talking with a couple of girls. One of them agreed to meet up with me. We went to play pool but ended up doing a pub quiz instead. At the end of the night we parted ways and she told me she was going on holiday but that she'd be in touch when she got back. A fortnight later, I sent her a message saying hello. She ignored it.

-

I met another girl on the dating site. We hit it off a bit more than the last one and ended up messaging quite a lot. We met up on Skype for a couple of hours one night and arranged to meet up the following weekend. The next morning I woke up to lovely messages saying how much she enjoyed talking to me and how she was looking forward to meeting. I messaged back saying much the same. A couple of days later I messaged her again to see if she wanted to Skype for a bit again. The message went ignored, as did the next and the following.

-

I was sent to the NHS's 'Focused Depression Team' for treatment. After agreeing on a course of treatment, I settled into the wait for it to begin. A few months later, a letter arrived saying that they had no treatment suitable for my needs and discharged me.

-

My friend from America started to become increasingly flaky after getting herself a boyfriend. As I said in the OP, she was supposed to be coming over to visit next month. I called her out on her flakiness and she used it as an opportunity to end our friendship so she could spend her time in England visiting her new boyfriend instead of me. And I lost the only friend I had.

-

Went to a dinner party with my sister and some of her friends. There wasn't much space at the table so they made me sit on my own at the end. At the end of the night it was suggested that everyone go to a bonfire/live music event that one of the guests was arranging. Everyone present was invited. I was not.

-

I was approached by a psych student who was researching loneliness and social isolation. They wanted me to be the subject of there study, so now once a week I am a lab specimen.

-

And that's about it. That's every experience I've had since the year began. The rest of the time I am alone in the house, bored out of my mind, thinking about my death. Rarely I'll get enough energy to try and take care of myself, by going for a bike ride or something. As I've got nothing but spare time on my hands I decided to learn how to dance. But most days I'm just sat at the computer, watching the clock and waiting until I can sleep again.

Wow. That's quite a string of events. You write well. You're concise and have good narrative timing. At one point while I was reading, I thought of the old "chain letters" (pre-internet and sometimes in e-mail in early internet days) and the list of dire consequences that happened to people who "broke the chain". Your list reminds me a bit of that. I hope you don't mind my saying that. I tend to have a dark sense of humor.

When you said that you moved house, did you move from a different area of the country, or are you a "northerner" by birth? I ask because your story made me think of a friend of mine who moved here from New York City. She lived here for four years but culturally said she felt out of place and like people weren't friendly. She left and is much happier where she lives now.

People on these forums are from all over. I just started reading and posting here about 2 month ago. It does help me to know that other people are going through similar problems and to hear how they are dealing with or not dealing with their problems.

I hope you'll hang around.

[Djinn8]

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

Wow. That's quite a string of events. You write well. You're concise and have good narrative timing. At one point while I was reading, I thought of the old "chain letters" (pre-internet and sometimes in e-mail in early internet days) and the list of dire consequences that happened to people who "broke the chain". Your list reminds me a bit of that. I hope you don't mind my saying that. I tend to have a dark sense of humor.

When you said that you moved house, did you move from a different area of the country, or are you a "northerner" by birth? I ask because your story made me think of a friend of mine who moved here from New York City. She lived here for four years but culturally said she felt out of place and like people weren't friendly. She left and is much happier where she lives now.

People on these forums are from all over. I just started reading and posting here about 2 month ago. It does help me to know that other people are going through similar problems and to hear how they are dealing with or not dealing with their problems.

I hope you'll hang around.

Thanks. I do try with my writing. I used to be a struggling fiction writer before I gave it up and became a struggling sculptor instead. *rolls eyes*

It's a bit tricky to explain what I mean by "moving". Sheffield isn't so much a town as it is a collection of villages that have spread out and become entwined with each other. For twelve years I lived in one to the orbiting villages in a fairly rural area. The door to my house actually opened up onto the county border. The place was called Lowedges and I used to joke that I lived in the "lowest house in Lowedges" as my place was the southern most building in the southernmost district of South Yorkshire. Because the area was so isolated from civilization, and because the general income level of the residents was so low, the place had a very closed off community where most people knew each other - for better or worse.

However, my closest friends all moved away in a short space of time and people who left Lowedges never returned, not even to visit. Once outside the community, you might as well have been on another planet as far as the locals were concerned. My girlfriend and I were just about the only two people left of my core social circle, abd then something happened - my Nan died. Her death left me with the option to inherit her house. It was much larger than my old place and my family lived nearby. It seemed like the perfect opportunity for Emma and I to move on to the next phase of our lives and to start a family, so we took our chances, gambled on our future, and came up short.

Firth Park, our new home, was very urban. Gone where the fields and greenery of my old home, replaced instead with old industrial districts and tightly packed terrace housing. The diverse, yet integrated, community of Lowedges replaced instead with distant snobby white folks, a thriving, yet racially exclusive, Muslim community, and the anti-social Roma.

With the unwelcoming reception from my family and the lack of surrounding community. my girlfriend and I became very unhappy. i got my game face on and tried to find a solution through work and study, yet closed my self off to the world. Emma fell in with White Supremists and developed a crack habit. Around seven months after our move, and growing aggression between us, our relationship fell apart after I discovered that she had been sleeping around with her new racist friends. A sad way for things to end after eight years of being together.

And now I'm here writing this and things have only ever gotten worse for me over time.

Thanks for taking the time to explain the change in your locations to me. It sounds like even if you didn't go far in distance that you're in an extremely different environment now.

Would you want to sell your house and move somewhere else? Do you like owning a house?

I used to have one. It's a mixed blessing.

My immediate neighborhood is not very pleasant but I can go half a mile away and it's very nice.

Emma fell in with White Supremists and developed a crack habit.

I feel like I've stumbled into a Denise Mina novel.

[Djinn8]

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

Thanks for taking the time to explain the change in your locations to me. It sounds like even if you didn't go far in distance that you're in an extremely different environment now.

Would you want to sell your house and move somewhere else? Do you like owning a house?

I used to have one. It's a mixed blessing.

My immediate neighborhood is not very pleasant but I can go half a mile away and it's very nice.



I feel like I've stumbled into a Denise Mina novel.

Do I like owning a house? Yeah I guess. I like the space and it's something to feel some pride in. When people ask where I live I can say I have my own place, not that I live in a council house or rent a room or whatever. Funny how that works really. Most people couldn't care less if you have your own place or not, but tell them you live in council accommodation and they look at you with a touch of disdain. Seems a little backwards to me, but cultures a bit screwed up like that. Excellence begrudged - impoverishment snubbed - and no one want to be in the middle.

I can't sell the house. Technically it belongs to my mother as it was left to her in the will. I'm just the custodian. If I leave, I leave with nothing. Besides, where would I go if I did? That's something I've been looking into a LOT for a long time, but you see how I'm treated by people. No matter how sure a thing, it will flop. Disappointment has become a way of life for me.

[eggplantlife]

Hi. I remember reading your story a while back. I feel like i have an update.
It is amazing all the efforts you put in. I understand because i think i do the some actions and then it doesn't work out. I don't know why it happens that way. I do know that there is something inside of me that pours out unconsciously that people don't like. It starts off going okay and then it doesn't. I thought it was matter of finding the right group as i did have at one point. I think i keep trying to recreate thst moment but doesn't come. Do know each negative have had impact.

It seems that every move there is something negative that comes out. But i guess we have to look and see the positive as people keep saying.

I don't know. I have been doing the grateful thing.

I used to be creative but not having that really negatively impact my life. I have bern trying to get that back. But i haven't joining anything like you have. Well, i tried to take a class and such but nothing.

I know the feeling

[Djinn8]

Originally Posted by eggplantlife

Hi. I remember reading your story a while back. I feel like i have an update.
It is amazing all the efforts you put in. I understand because i think i do the some actions and then it doesn't work out. I don't know why it happens that way. I do know that there is something inside of me that pours out unconsciously that people don't like. It starts off going okay and then it doesn't. I thought it was matter of finding the right group as i did have at one point. I think i keep trying to recreate thst moment but doesn't come. Do know each negative have had impact.

It seems that every move there is something negative that comes out. But i guess we have to look and see the positive as people keep saying.

I don't know. I have been doing the grateful thing.

I used to be creative but not having that really negatively impact my life. I have bern trying to get that back. But i haven't joining anything like you have. Well, i tried to take a class and such but nothing.

Yeah, I defiantly find that. Been hurt can put up barriers that can make it had to connect with people and it has a tendency to snowball. That explains some of what I've experienced, but not all of it. I find I'm treated the same by people with whom those barriers have been overcome, or by people who are impartial (such as health professionals) - so I don't know exactly what is going on there. In a way I wish I could blame myself for my situation, at least then I could remedy the problem as it comes from within. But my problem seems to be external, leaving me a the mercy of a world full of people who are cruel, selfish and arrogant.

[Frost287]

I feel like I'm in a fairly similar situation with trying to find anything to pass the time until I can sleep again, not that I get much anyway.

I've also been more or less dismissed by the NHS. It seemed as though my depression and anxiety was dismissed and have now just been given the number of the Access and Assessment Team which I've yet to call either due to anxiety or feeling like I don't need help for a week or two before crashing again.

[Djinn8]

Originally Posted by Frost287

I feel like I'm in a fairly similar situation with trying to find anything to pass the time until I can sleep again, not that I get much anyway.

I've also been more or less dismissed by the NHS. It seemed as though my depression and anxiety was dismissed and have now just been given the number of the Access and Assessment Team which I've yet to call either due to anxiety or feeling like I don't need help for a week or two before crashing again.

Yeah, **** the NHS psych service. As I said earlier, I was sent to the focused depression team. I was interviewed and promised treatment, even had a plan of action drawn up. The psychiatrist who I spoke to sat there in her designer boots, waiting for her shift to end so she could drive home in her expensive car to her mortgaged house where her and her husband could get back to planning their next trip with the kids. All paid for by the good work she does turning people away from treatment. Psychs like that aren't paid to provide a service, they are paid to turn up at the office. Take my brother-in-law for example. He is a social worker - a job he took because he lost his old one as an event coordinator. All he does is complain about the losers he has to deal with between 9 and 5. He's not got that job because he has a passion for the role. He does it to put food on the table.

The only mental health workers I found to be of any use are those who chose their profession based on a personal history dealing with mental illness - either themselves or someone from their lives who affected them.

Art Therapists tend to be good for this reason. Most are self-employed and chose to do so because of life experience or personality. They tend to approach therapy with a compassionate angle, rather than clinical. And there is an age limit of 27 on who can become qualified as an art therapist, which weeds out the school leavers who thought "therapist" sounded like lucrative career goal when they were choosing their degree.

The other area I find a better option are Social Enterprising groups. Often they are founded or run by people who suffer from some sort of mental illness and they tend to operate under a more Socialist agenda which allows your contribution if you wish.

[eggplantlife]

Originally Posted by Djinn8

Yeah, I defiantly find that. Been hurt can put up barriers that can make it had to connect with people and it has a tendency to snowball. That explains some of what I've experienced, but not all of it. I find I'm treated the same by people with whom those barriers have been overcome, or by people who are impartial (such as health professionals) - so I don't know exactly what is going on there. In a way I wish I could blame myself for my situation, at least then I could remedy the problem as it comes from within. But my problem seems to be external, leaving me a the mercy of a world full of people who are cruel, selfish and arrogant.

Oh, i wouldn't want you to blame yourself. I didn't mean it that way. Believe me you don't want that. It is cruel and from that you really can't remedy that so easily. I have been stuck for a long time and the pain you give yourself, is not pleasant. It's so painful.

I understand about outside external situation causing the problem. I had that and my friend all of a sudden said to me that i can't keep saying that i am a victim. I mean these bad external things did happen and i don't know why she turned on me. All i know is that she didn't help me when i really needed it and to make herself feel better, she put the blame on me rather than step up and be a really good friend. I am blessed that another friend did step up so i know the difference.

I also know that i make decisions and do actions that i am not happy about because it will cause another thing to heopen. Like i went to a church close by because i needed to be around people. While the people were nice, they preached against other types of people which upsets me. I kept going because i needed to be aroubd people. Then my friend said why go when you come home upset. Do things that make you happy. Well, i try to do that but it is hard when you feel diwn and don't like the state you live in.

But i must tell you that i do believe some external things have changed, but it is slow. I do know the difference between external things working out well and not. I don't understand the cruelity when it foes go wrong. I have heard yesterday that successful people expect things to go wrong (when they set up goals as that is the subject i was listening to) and see what cones out positive from it.

The positive thing i came out is how much kind hearted my friend is and that other were really kind if mean. You really see the souls of these people. But how do i live on with the rest of the world. She keeps to herself with very few people and she is happy with that, but she has her own family. That is a big difference though.

Anyway, i really don't like to think the world is that cruel. Sure, there are murderers out there, but i don't think overall people are like that. They are sort of kind.

There is this conworker who told me that if i needed to talk to someone about my life and direction that i could talk to her. In my head i wad thinking, "yeah sure, you don't mean that". It was a gut feeling. I felt bad for thinking like that. So next day, told her that i would like to talk to her. She said sure, let me see what i get done today. Then she left without telling me. Though the way we work, it is hard to track me down. But i know she didn't make the effort because few days later, i see her and she haven't mentioned it. She kind of look away from me. So i just let it go. I don't understand why these people think thry are kind hearted like that but then don't step up and do it. And then there are people who do kind things but later, you know they want you to do things back and then they start taking your character apart. They tell you ypu don't do this thing even though you did think of it and it just didn't fit the situation or that you don't know if that is what the person wants. I mean i am NOT a mind reader! Sorry i got upset about that. But i guess some kind of kindness s better than none.

The first person just thinks she is nice and knows that she should do something but when it comes to it, she really don't want to. That type is very confusing to me.

Anyway, still believe there are good people. I believe i am though my mind ripes me apart.

I just don't get the external factors that happens. I really was crying put at the higher being why it is happening and why things can't turn around.

I am glad you bring this up.

And it does seem that your depression is based on what is happening around you. You do make the effords to go out and socialize and do things. I don't know about job but it is clear that you are creative and doing it which is a huge accomplishment.

[AnomalousCarrotCake]

Djinn8,

I just want to say I'm sorry to hear about all that you've been going through and the rejection you've been experiencing. I don't know what it is about life, that sometimes there are periods of time where you swear -- for lack of a better term -- you're jinxed. You just have a bad run of luck, and don't know why, and it seems like none of it is in your control. You've been blindsided by it, too.

I've been going through several years of bad luck, one scummy thing after another, including deaths, breakups, job loss, and loss of health. People say, "Sorry you're having a bad day" and I tell them, "It's not just a bad day. Every day of the week decided to be bad and gang up on me all at the same time."

Somehow, there has to be a way to break the losing, bad luck streak. And get out of the situations we've been trapped in which only close off options that make depression worse, make the possibility for change limited. Let's hope we both find it.

[Djinn8]

I can't stand this. I woke up today, just like yesterday, in the same room that I had spent the whole day in with no new experience other than feelings of boredom and emptiness. No messages on my phone or in my inbox. No idea of what to do about it. And the knowledge that if I do think of something it will only result in unfulfilled promises and ultimately go nowhere. Tomorrow will be the same and the next day, and the next, as it has been for years and years now. I've denied the basic elements that make life worth living and I suspect that is by design. This is what life is for me - torment by whatever powers that be. The people that exist around me are just puppets to that end - demons in the shapes of men. Every action calculated to cause me hurt and heart ache, either passively or purposefully. I don't want to play that game anymore, so I'm putting an end to it tonight.

[eggplantlife]

Please don't harm yourself if that is what you mean by putting an end to it. Please don't. We are trying so hard to be here. Please reach out and call for help. I call suicide line when i am feeling like there if there is no one to to connect to. Please call them. I even had a bad one but i called a different place. It's been real hard but there are moments. Like today was a moment for me. Please let there be a moment for you.

[eggplantlife]

Hi. Please write back.

[eggplantlife]

Hello. Really worried about you.

[Djinn8]

I started my second attempt at Endura last week. Spent the last week laid on the sofa - slept there, woke up there, fallen asleep there again, etc, etc. Got up to drink water and go to the loo, but other than that I've just been staring at the walls. Nothing to be done about it. Just got to wait my life out.

[AnomalousCarrotCake]

Originally Posted by Djinn8

I started my second attempt at Endura last week. Spent the last week laid on the sofa - slept there, woke up there, fallen asleep there again, etc, etc. Got up to drink water and go to the loo, but other than that I've just been staring at the walls. Nothing to be done about it. Just got to wait my life out.

I've been following your posts here, and this update, too. I was worried about you, like eggplantlife, and it was good to see you posting here again.

Thinking on your situation... I'm wondering if trying something outside the box might help you, and help alleviate your loneliness and make life somewhat more interesting. I don't know how much you can risk, though, or all the particulars of your situation.

Would taking in a boarder be possible? Or hosting an exchange student? Maybe if you have at least someone around on some regular basis to talk to who is interesting, it might help. It can also reduce expenses, if that's a concern.

In putting this out there I guess I'm asking how much of your loneliness is general loneliness -- and how much of it is specific to wanting a partner, a girlfriend?

Because there are different ways to stave off loneliness, and different kinds of togetherness... some more fulfilling than others. I can be alone in a room full of people, for example. If the people are very alien, intimidating, and their values or perspectives are hostile to mine or even indifferent... I may feel very alone in that room.

In terms of the rest of your life, you earlier said you were missing joy in your life. What kinds of joy did you have before that you miss? Were they activities or people or places... something else?

I'm missing the life I used to have, and that encompasses many things. And those things may be different for you. Is it only the social aspects of your former life you miss -- or is it more than that?

[vital]

Originally Posted by Djinn8

Yeah, I defiantly find that. Been hurt can put up barriers that can make it had to connect with people and it has a tendency to snowball. That explains some of what I've experienced, but not all of it. I find I'm treated the same by people with whom those barriers have been overcome, or by people who are impartial (such as health professionals) - so I don't know exactly what is going on there. In a way I wish I could blame myself for my situation, at least then I could remedy the problem as it comes from within. But my problem seems to be external, leaving me a the mercy of a world full of people who are cruel, selfish and arrogant.

I myself found that I really had to get over depression before I could enjoy being social with new people again.

I think that you are wrong about your problem being internal. If you find a way to get over your depression, you'll find that people magically seem very different. I have seen this myself. For what to do, see the "depression success stories" section of the site.

- vital

[Djinn8]

Originally Posted by AnomalousCarrotCake

Would taking in a boarder be possible? Or hosting an exchange student? Maybe if you have at least someone around on some regular basis to talk to who is interesting, it might help. It can also reduce expenses, if that's a concern.

This has been on my mind for a long time, but I don't know how feasible it would be. Having a stranger move in and suddenly be there all the time would be too much for me to handle I think. I am open to the idea of a friend moving in or a friend-of-a-friend. But there's just no one that fits the bill like that.

Originally Posted by AnomalousCarrotCake

In putting this out there I guess I'm asking how much of your loneliness is general loneliness -- and how much of it is specific to wanting a partner, a girlfriend?

The lack of a partner, while quite a big one, is just one factor. The fact is I have no worth to anyone. No friends. No family. No job. I have no place in the world at all.

Originally Posted by AnomalousCarrotCake

In terms of the rest of your life, you earlier said you were missing joy in your life. What kinds of joy did you have before that you miss? Were they activities or people or places... something else?

Lots of things really. I have no new experiences any more. I wake up and know for a fact that the day is going to be hollow and the same as the last. I won't go to some new place or see some new thing. I'll not have any memory to carry forward from that point. I won't hear a funny joke or discover some new piece of wisdom.

If I do go somewhere and do something, it'll be something I do alone and it'll feel empty and pointless.

Solitary activities have become dry and tedious. I used to enjoy playing computer games, reading books, watching films, etc. Now, because these activities are all I CAN do, I've exhausted them and they've become routine and a chore. It makes it so that all I can do when I wake up is try to find some way to pass the time until I can sleep again, but these activities have become so dry, dull and repetitive that I makes me crazy just thinking of doing them.

[eggplantlife]

How about having a pet?

[AnomalousCarrotCake]

Originally Posted by Djinn8

This has been on my mind for a long time, but I don't know how feasible it would be. Having a stranger move in and suddenly be there all the time would be too much for me to handle I think. I am open to the idea of a friend moving in or a friend-of-a-friend. But there's just no one that fits the bill like that.

Maybe hosting someone short term would be more feasible, at some point. Sounds like you're overwhelmed at the idea of having someone share your space, and at the same time, don't want a lot of time with someone who is new.

I can see how if I were in your shoes, I'd be simultaneously afraid of rejection by someone new, but also concerned that a poor match for a boarder or exchange student would lead to conflict or stress I wouldn't want to deal with. Especially during a difficult time.

If you did decide to risk it, though, you could thoroughly interview people and reject those who you didn't hit it off with, and who don't seem to be appropriate housemates.

Originally Posted by Djinn8

The lack of a partner, while quite a big one, is just one factor. The fact is I have no worth to anyone. No friends. No family. No job. I have no place in the world at all.

It does seem that you've been pretty down on your luck lately and isolated. I think people here on PsychCentral decided you have worth, though, and you have a place here. Yeah, it's virtual. But people here are real, and want to help.

Just because you don't have a family, a job, or friends where you live now doesn't mean you won't make more friends and have a family and a job in the future. That's hard to imagine, though, if you've been in a lot of pain, especially if you're depressed and have been grieving your losses.

Originally Posted by Djinn8

Lots of things really. I have no new experiences any more. I wake up and know for a fact that the day is going to be hollow and the same as the last. I won't go to some new place or see some new thing. I'll not have any memory to carry forward from that point. I won't hear a funny joke or discover some new piece of wisdom.

If I do go somewhere and do something, it'll be something I do alone and it'll feel empty and pointless.

Solitary activities have become dry and tedious. I used to enjoy playing computer games, reading books, watching films, etc. Now, because these activities are all I CAN do, I've exhausted them and they've become routine and a chore. It makes it so that all I can do when I wake up is try to find some way to pass the time until I can sleep again, but these activities have become so dry, dull and repetitive that I makes me crazy just thinking of doing them.

Whoa. I can relate. What you've written here could just as easily been my words. I've spent the past several years living with chronic illness, and have spent a lot of time alone, watching movies, reading books, playing games, drawing, sleeping... Just trying to numb out or distract myself because I was in a lot of physical pain. But I was (and have been) in a lot of emotional pain, too, because the few people I had contact with didn't understand what I was going through. Or, I was completely alone for huge blocks of time and these thoughts kept running through my head, and I couldn't turn them off.

When you wrote this...

"I won't go to some new place or see some new thing. I'll not have any memory to carry forward from that point. I won't hear a funny joke or discover some new piece of wisdom.

If I do go somewhere and do something, it'll be something I do alone and it'll feel empty and pointless."

... is it because you're afraid it's not worth the effort based on your string of losses? Or that if you go out and do something new on your own, it will feel empty because you're doing it alone? Both?

It sounds like your experiences with the art groups soured you on attempts to meet people. And it's hard now to risk going out on your own and trying something new because of that. But there may also be a sense of doubting that something can be a good thing to begin with, because you went in with high hopes (relationship, the move, the groups) only to be left heartbroken and extremely disappointed in the outcome.

[Fuzzybear]