[hard2smile]

I have been struggling with severe depression for the past three months and having a tough time coming to terms with recent of deaths of innocent victims of tragic events reported in the daily news. Also, two people in my social network have died within the past week. I am an eight year cancer survivor who is very active in within the cancer survivor community (not as much now as I work through the depression separated from others), as a result I have attended many funerals during this period. Death does not discriminate and is inevitably the equalizer over all creation. I have been asked how do I handle befriending someone who is likely to die prematurely due to complications of disease or treatment side effects. When I am not depressed I tell them that I make it my mission to live every moment with purpose and gratitude in order to honor the memory of those whose lives were cut short. As someone who is currently depressed, I feel so unworthy of the gift of my life (especially post cancer battle) and I feel so ashamed that there are times that I wish I would have succumbed to the cancer. It seems to me that many of the people who are dying have so many more reasons to live than I. They are spouses, parents, grandparents, friends, coworkers, all in all productive contributors to society. I am none of these things. Although I have been given every opportunity to succeed in life, I have made a monumental mess of things and become a complete failure. The abundant blessings unreservedly given to me I have foolishly squandered.

So here is my cancer survivor's remorse fantasy:
Although, I sometimes have very dark thoughts, I would never follow through because it would cause unbearable emotional and financial hardship, as well as shame, for my loved ones. Also, it would be the greatest insult to the living and deceased members of the cancer community. If you or you suspect someone of entertaining thoughts of self harm or destruction, please read DocJohn's post http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...resources.html

So, I wish I could transfer my remaining years to someone more deserving of them like you can transfer travel reward points earned through airlines and hotels. Transferable "life credits" to whomever you deem worthy of them. So I can fantasize about how a young mother who passed just shy of her thirtieth birthday could have used the transferable years to see her daughter as a young mother
So this is just a fantasy that has manifested from the dark recesses of my depression to help me function as I process grief while trying to regain control of my negative thoughts that are currently wreaking havoc on my quality of my life.

I am finally meeting with psychiatrist next week and get to try some new and promising meds. Should I keep my fantasy to myself since it's our first meeting or should I share and use it as an opportunity to introduce him to the real me?

Thankful to get these thoughts downloaded from my mind, they have been swirling around for about a week now thanks to 24 hour news service, the uncertainty of life, the increasingly violent society, my choice to befriend the most amazing but often terminally ill people, and the growing ink blot that is my depression.

[Rohag]

Hello, Hard2smile.

Originally Posted by hard2smile

Should I keep my fantasy to myself since it's our first meeting or should I share and use it as an opportunity to introduce him to the real me?

Tough question. My general approach is to go slow to get a sense of what kind of person the professional is regardless of formal qualifications. An emergency situation, however, may call for more decisiveness.

If circumstances allow, first get comfortable with the individual.

[TheOriginalMe]

I am using a similar strategy to stay safe. I think of all the people who have less than 24 hours of life remaining and commit my next 24 hours to those people knowing that they don't have the choice to live for one more day.

I explained it to my pdoc, he was generally receptive to the idea but wanted me to build up the time to two days, then three etc. I'm not ready for that and now I feel cheap for only giving 24 hours at a time.

[hard2smile]

Dear TheOriginalMe,

Only you walk in your shoes. I commend you for the 24 hours because I can appreciate how much a struggle it can be at times to endure for even a moment. I honestly feel that thinking of others draws us away from the inner turmoil. Keep your chin up because you have conquered another 24 hours.

h2s

[Fuzzybear]

[Fizzyo]

You know how easy it is to talk to someone, if the Pdoc is good, the better they know you the easier it is to give good advice. I've been lucky so far but some have had their fingers burned. Maybe you will get a sense of how safe they are when you meet. Best wishes and as many helpful vibes as I can send.