i don't deserve...

I thought I've been on the path on trying to figure out ways on how to start improving things. Things have been "ok" for the past month since my last major episode where I attempted for the first time which I think is mainly in part due to my medications along with my new two meds that my pdoc has put me on. I've also been working with my new T on looking for tools to help me change. But today...right now at this moment...nothing has changed. The only things that are different are because of my medications. Today my brother wanted/asked me to take him to the hospital to get medicine since he has the flu. When he asked me, I got so irritated and annoyed and he could see it. Even though I said fine I'll go, he got mad because of the way I responded and I didn't want to take him. I got ready but he had already stormed out the house and left by the time I got outside. I've grown to naturally get irritated and annoyed by a lot of things and respond in nasty ways as well. What is wrong with me that I don't even want to take my brother to get medicine while he is sick? I don't think I deserve to live. Just a waste of resources. I haven't cut for 2-3 weeks now but I guess that's over now. I always cut to make myself feel better and move my focus from my emotional pain to physical. Today was the first time I ever did it because I felt like I deserve it and more.

Dear Friend

first i want to you to remember that when we have depression we suffer its symptoms. one is "Lethargy". we always feel tired and lack energy to do even the simplest task( for some even getting out of bed, brushing and taking shower is too tedious). also you always want to be left alone. when someone disturbs that, we get irritated as that the first reaction. the anger clouds any reason even if it is genuine. as in your case when your brother asked for your help you gave out the first reaction which is normal for any depressed person. then your mind starts to analyze and feels you have to help. but unfortunately people can't understand our first reaction and feel you won't help and show their anger towards us which is going to make worse things for us. so now you get caught into the guilt trap. so stop blaming yourself and convince yourself your mind is causing this. my suggestion would be when things cool down go to your brother and explain this and ask for forgiveness. there is no shame is apologizing for something which was beyond your control.