[sidenote1]

okay where should I start…

Ever since I was young I have been creative and ambitious and I have had an energetic drive. When it came down to school work, reading in my free time, drawing or writing or anything of that nature, there was a sort of natural pleasant flow, a flow so pleasant and strong you could’ve almost called my younger self a workaholic.

But things really did change during my high-school years from every direction possible. During the first year I was obsessed with studying in the United States for college and I was figuring out how to afford it, what universities to look for etc. etc. It was quite the unrealistic dream and it stressed me a whole lot. Aside from that, my parents weren’t supportive whatsoever, they have never been. And aside from them not being supportive I had a whole lot of other issues with my parents and personal life that all added up into this hot mess that kinda led to a burn-out. I was seeing a therapist at the time and in retrospect I have realised that the advice she was giving me was to let go of my fears and expectations a little and not plan the future down to detail and worry when things don’t go my way. Give myself time to breathe that kind of stuff.

During my second year things came crashing down like never before and I reached an ultimate low in my life. America was out of my mind and I had even come as far as admitting to myself that I did not want to go to college/university, at least not straight away, I had managed to adopt a bit of a living-for-the-moment (or at least a not-being-scared-senseless-by-the-thought-of-tomorrow) attitude. BUT my life still crashed and I became suicidal, this was however due deeply troubled personal issues I had with my family. I think those who have been suicidal truly know what it feels like. You don’t just feel down and carry on with your day, you can spend days in bed crying or starving yourself, you can get out of the house at random times going to the most random places feeling lost, everything else: school, hobbies, whatever is put on the shelves for that certain period and if you don’t make it out alive it will stay on that shelve.

Well I (unfortunately) got out alive just when my second year ended and summer began. Once you get out of such a miserable period in your life you would love to feel hopeful in every way possible, so the summer was a true delight filled with positive thoughts and rainbows and sunshine, even though barely anything was truly resolved with my family.

During my last year of high-school, things kind of changed. I grew more apathetic again (apathy has been a very natural state for me pre-suicidal period) and started listening to my bodily responses more. For instance: during my second and first year (before the suicidal period) I could stay up all night making homework and drinking coffee. But nothing in a million lifetimes would make me stay up all night during my third year. Maybe knowing that I wasn’t going to University the following year made me take it a bit more easy or after being suicidal and recovering from that into an apathetic state, nothing really motivated me. Day by day I noticed how I neglected life in general, I would stay in bed and scroll on my iphone, doing only what was required to pass through school. The whole year felt like a long appointment at the dentist: I wanted high-school to be over so I could flee my parents home and sit in some damn cottage in a foreign lands forest and play the guitar or whatever I associated with liberty at the time. In the meantime I would just scroll down my phone.

It has been a year since high-school has been over… and I can’t do anything besides excessive sleeping and scrolling down my phone. I am taking an online math course and the other day I had something super important to turn in and when I finally did it it took me 30 minutes to make, but before getting started I spent 3 whole days on the soffa, messing up my whole sleeping pattern and thinking about suicide (not in the serious sense, but just as a reliever).

It is like anything that has the SLIGHTEST amount of pressure on it, like homework, or making myself to read a book or writing an email to my grandma is an IMPOSSIBILITY for me. Aside for physical activities like going for runs, I don’t feel too pressured about that. But anything that has to do with reading, writing and responsibility is an absolute no. Its like I know that I am going to fail and when I think those thoughts an anxious voice tells me “No you are not going to fail” but I proof myself right every time. I fail and fail. I miss the natural pleasant flow of things, when I truly enjoyed what I did and I was motivated and there was no pressure. There was just doing and being and meeting my own expectations. How am I supposed to deal with this pressure that is ruining my life and making it impossible for me to do the simplest things?

[vital]

Originally Posted by sidenote1

It is like anything that has the SLIGHTEST amount of pressure on it, like homework, or making myself to read a book or writing an email to my grandma is an IMPOSSIBILITY for me. Aside for physical activities like going for runs, I don’t feel too pressured about that. But anything that has to do with reading, writing and responsibility is an absolute no. Its like I know that I am going to fail and when I think those thoughts an anxious voice tells me “No you are not going to fail” but I proof myself right every time. I fail and fail. I miss the natural pleasant flow of things, when I truly enjoyed what I did and I was motivated and there was no pressure. There was just doing and being and meeting my own expectations. How am I supposed to deal with this pressure that is ruining my life and making it impossible for me to do the simplest things?

Hi sidenote1,

I know this so well! Here's an explanation of exactly what's happening and what to do about it:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

See if you recognize yourself in those notes. Here is what I think is the best overall plan too:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

[Fizzyo]

No easy answers, sorry! Maybe you need to listen to that first therapist again, be less demanding of yourself? Maybe I'm talking rubbish. Whatever, I sincerely wish for you to find support and a way through, if you've been better than this before, you can do it again. Do you have access to a counsellor for 'real life' support again to help you through this time?