Depression? I don't even know.

Sorry. This will be LONG.

I have no idea. But that is what I expect. A serious case of depression.

I lack the will to eat and there I am. In the bed. I literally do nothing but lay in bed the entire day. Just. That. But don't get me wrong. It's been like this for at least 3-4 months. It just gets worse now.

Funny as I have my very important finals on Monday. I have studied absolutely nothing. I don't even feel like using this time to study... I literally curl up on the bed and do nothing.

But if it was only that. I feel stressed. I am supposed to apply for college this summer... Just that I am not supported by any of my religion-brainwashed family that believes any contact with the real world will "spoil me". (College is in a faraway city. I plan on getting out of here for my own mental safety). I have no friends and never go out unless sent shopping or just for ocassional "walks" alone aka getting out of here and sitting alone somewhere, usually in a calm place like the forest. So I can just get back and lay back in bed.

Mom is away the entire day and leave my physically (and mentally) ill grandmother in my care. I have no choice or say in this. I HAVE TO. Afterall "I am a girl"? No. I have no idea what that is supposed to mean. I am also pretty horrible person as my stomach doesn't allow me to change grandma's diapers nor my back really allows me to keep lifting her up. (I have scoliosis and have been advised not to go for heavy things as my muscles are REALLY frail. Well... I spend my whole day in bed so go figure.) Also I am pretty horrible because I am lazy and lay in bed all day. Yep. Lazy it is that I am... Also self-centered... As I am not helping with anything.

So here I am, not even bothering faking smiles. I cry but not even sure why? I feel absolutely nothing. Just literal pressure over my heart.

And it all got worse when I made the mistake to complain to my boyfriend about my mom and how the whole grandma thing stresses me out... Yeah. (FYI my family has no idea I am dating... Yep. Like that or I would be severely scolded and "punished" by getting my internet cut and stuff like that). He totally sided with them. He got completely angry telling me how I only think of her as an obligation and I dont love her. (He is a mom and family kind of person. Also he lost his grandmother a year ago. He really loved her, more than anyone). He meant no harm and even apologized... He had a hard day himself... So he did not react well. But it totally threw me off. And... He was totally right. I never wanted the responsibility. I was forced onto it as my parents decided it was for the best if they took her here. (I do have uncles and aunts but no one ever comes.) But of course dad did a 180 degrees turn and doesn't even help lifting her up. Also he thinks she wants him out? And that she fakes being ill for sympathy??? (She has been diagnosed as senile tho... And several health conditions). Yet he makes me take care of her. He always forces me to. Her would get angry otherwise.

I wasnt like this when my boyfriend and I first started dating (dated him for one year and half) ... I am not ok complaining to him. This is not right... He is not a psychiatrist and definitely don't wamt to turn him into one. So it's enough with that.

But stupid thoughts of self harm crossed my mind. SO YEAH. THAT IS MORE THAN ENOUGH. o-e I dont want to be like this. I am NOT like this. It went too far.

I cannot see a psychiatrist. I have tried talking to my doctor. He said he can't send me anywhere... I am still a teen. No one likes working with hormonally unstable teens afterall... My family thinks it's a specific teen thing too and it will pass. (Yes right...)

So instead I ended up ranting here. I just wanted to let go of this. Probably wanted to hear that I am not some kind of horrible person... I am not even sure. Just want to somehow let go of these feelings.

On a side note. I have absolutely no intention of harming myself. I would never allow myself to do that. So no. I am by no means in a real crisis. Just somehow struggling and trying to cope...

I don't even know. Guess I am asking for a virtual hug? And advice. Any idea on how I can get myself out of the bed? I can't continue like this. I need to stay strong... Especially now.

You're deep in the muck. It sounds impossible, but the cure is to force yourself to do more. You're in college? They have campus mental health services. Call them if you can't get the energy together to go to their office.

Ah. I thought so myself... ^^"

Sadly I am not yet in college. Will only start in September. If I get accepted that is. Until then my arms are tied... Just have to hold on and try my hardest to get a grip of myself.

Is there are guidance counselor at your school? They might be able to help some too.

There was a psychologist... I wanted to contact her but I've been told she needs my parents' approval since I am a minor. ^^" And of course mom got all like NO WAY. Because she was afraid I'd badmouth her... And told me there is nothing wrong with me...

Also, right now I am a graduate in my summer break. So I have no right anymore to go there.

The bad part. For the moment I am completely stuck.

The bright side. I only have to endure until September when college starts (and incidentally I reach the age at which I am not considered a "minor" anymore. Yes, I finished school quite early)