[annoyedgrunt84]

That feeling of lying on a hotel bed after arriving at our destination on a family vacation, knowing I would see new things and have new experiences tomorrow. The feeling of anticipation on a Friday afternoon just after school was out. Hanging out with my Grad School friends watching terrible sci fi movies late into the night. I know I can't have these exact experiences back but can a therapist and a bottle of pills and maybe a few lifestyle changes really give me the chance to have these feelings again? I'm tired of feeling so nihilistic.

[healingme4me]

I'd think in a modified way, those experiences can be recreated. I don't believe meds and a therapist would bring that to you?

[annoyedgrunt84]

What I'm really getting sick of is the Nihlists in my head. They just always whisper to me how pointless everything is, they won't ever leave me alone. They just say why do anything, everyone just dies in the end. Any goal you set any knowledge you gain won't mean anything in the end.

[healingme4me]

Hasn't CBT helped reduce the negative self talk?

[annoyedgrunt84]

I've never been in CBT. I have been to a couple of therapists but I don't think either of them used CBT. At least they didn't say anything about using CBT techniques.

[healingme4me]

Mine haven't said anything about it, either. My understanding is that it does last about 16 weeks, at a time. I've spent a great deal of time over the past 7-8 years in sessions that were at times, weekly, then every other week, then monthly with time off to accommodate my own schedule with my children. No sense in paying a sitter and paying a copay. When I'd first heard of CBT, 8 years ago, I was already wrapped up in trying to put the pieces of my life together, so I bought a book that came with its own workbook and went that route, since T's around here don't advertise that they are CBT specialists. It was probably part cynical of myself, as I initially delved into everything. As in, really, working on myself is going to save my marriage? I fell into mh support, in looking at my state's website about what p.d. abusers tend to have. Working through a cbt workbook was just one piece of undoing the internal chains that kept me in an unsavory situation. When I was a teen, had a bf tell me that I was self defeating in my thinking. CBT does help unravel negative self talk, but it takes practice and determination to resolve.

[annoyedgrunt84]

I've got to try and get this sorted out, because it has nearly ruined my life. I just wish that I would have noticed sooner because there were so many warning signs something was amiss even 14 or 15 years ago when I was a teenager but I just kept plowing on and ignoring them I've reached a point where that is no longer an option. I so desperately wish I could have that time back but maybe I can build something better going forward.

[*Laurie*]

Depression, especially when it comes with its cruel companion nihilism, is a really vicious illness. I feel for you, annoyedgrunt84.

[*Laurie*]

(double post)

[waterknob1234]

I miss so many things, especially having joy in life. I would like to find an affordable therapist who will work with you on a helpful program on a weekly basis. At the low income mental health clinic where I go the therapist sees you once every 5 weeks for twenty minutes just to tell you everything will be alright. You are not a bad person. At least he tells me that.

[annoyedgrunt84]

I went to the counseling place I had in mind this afternoon to try to get started only to find out they are closed. It's hard to find anything in a rural area. .

[annoyedgrunt84]

I have been so nostalgic the last few months getting caught up in these silly cycles of wishing I was a kid again. And I hate this nihilistic voice in my head so much.