I'm feeling so lost right now.

Hi everyone. I'm new around here and I was hoping I could get some advice because I've never felt this lost before. For the last years and since my early teenage years, I've been drowning in self-hatred, anger and pain. I don't remember being happy, not even once. I always knew I had a problem but I didn't get treatment until years later. I did not have an easy past and I also had problems at home and when I began to grow up, that affected me in a whole new level. When I finished high school, all the repressed memories started to pop up in my head and I began feeling depressed, like never before. All those years, I never had help but it came to a point where I had a major breakdown and I was obligated to get help because I had to or it would cost me my life. I talked with my doctor who was reluctant at first but eventually helped and I got myself an appointment with a psychologist. I started seeing her and I was diagnosed with severe depression. I was in a really dark place back then and she talked to me and asked my opinion on starting to take antidepressants. We both agreed so I started taking medication (sertraline was what she recommended) and after some time, I got a little better. I didn't know I could but I managed to get out of that big, black hole that I was driving myself into everyday. After some time together, she decided to stop our sessions (which for me it was a mistake). And since I was going to college, she believed that I was ready to move on and be on my own. When I got into college, I was still on antidepressants. I moved to a city that I loved and I saw an opportunity to have a fresh beginning, an opportunity to recover and put all my past and all the darkness behind. However, that didn't happen. Everything was good at first but after some time, my depression came stronger than ever. I was having an hard time adjusting to everything, I didn't fit in with other people and I didn't have any friends or someone I could talk to. I always had a problem making new friends but there, I was completely alone. I felt lonely and it was getting harder and harder to keep up with everything. The pressure became too much. Everytime I went home I would cry because I didn't want to go back, go to classes and see all those people and I felt anxious just thinking about it. After the first semester, I drop out. I just couldn't take it anymore. It was all very hard and everyone seemed to be smarter than me. My condition was becoming too much and I couldn't handle it. I felt like I was falling into that black hole again. Right now, I don't know what to do with my life. Because of dropping out, I lost my scholarship and I don't get the opportunity to study again (this year, at least). Because of what happened, I feel like I'm getting worse because I spend days and days thinking and obsessing over my mistakes, afraid that I'm a failure who's never going to accomplish anything in life. I feel like I disappointed everyone and I just can't stop thinking about it. My head won't shut up. I can't stop thinking about the decisions I've made because now it cost me everything I've worked hard for and I have no idea what to do with my life. I though about getting a job but truth is, just thinking about it makes me so anxious that I want to die. I don't know what to do because I have exactly one year ahead of me and I have absolutely no idea what to do with it. I lost my scholarship, I'm crying and overthinking everyday, I'm sleeping too much and everything seems boring. I don't get pleasure in doing anything - not even the things that I used to like. I feel like I'm suffering from chronic feelings of boredom and I get this feeling that I cannot explain. Everything seems hopeless and I feel a emptiness in my heart. I've been like this before but right now, it's like I have nothing to hold on to. It's like I lost my hope for the future. I'd like to keep studying but now I can't. I thought about justifying what happened but the truth is, I don't think they're going to care about that. There's still a stigma behind mental illness and I don't think that justifying it it's going to do much. Either way, I just want some advice. Do you guys know anyone who drop out of college because of depression? And what do you think I should do? I'm lost and looking for a reason to keep going. I feel like I'm just a ghost, walking through life while I watch everyone moving on but while others are moving on, I'm not. I always stay on the same place. Watching the years go by and doing nothing about it.

Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you are faced with multiple challenges. Some people seek out professional help because with meds and therapy depression is more easily treatable.

There are lifestyle changes you can suggest that might help you cope.

Diet can have an affect on how we feel. I have to watch what I eat because foods I eat can stabilize my moods or exaggerate them. A high protein low carb diet with snacks or meals every 3-4 hours will over time reduce my swings. I also avoid alcohol and recreational drugs because those can really increase depression.

Here is what I use when my head gets over crammed with thoughts. Breathe in a natural way. Silently count one on the inhale and 2 on the exhale. 3 on the inhale and 4 on the exhale. Continue up to 10 then go back to 1. This helps me focus on breathing rather than the wall of thoughts.

Other lifestyle changes that help me are doing yoga, exercises, mindfulness, calm music, and being active on Psych Central.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Dear Helenas,

Wow, that's such a moving and familiar description. I do have some advice having gone through this myself. It really helps to understand why you feel like you do and what's going on in your own head. You might find this helpful for that

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

And you might find this to be a helpful general plan

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

I wouldn't worry about dropping out of college. I think it's way more important to find a way for you to feel better. You can always take it up again.

- vital

Thank you both for your answers, I really appreciate it. I'm trying not to worry about dropping out of college but I can't help it since I've lost one year before and now I can't stop obsessing over my mistakes. I just feel like a failure and I don't want to spend another year at home doing absolutely nothing. I need some kind of plan but I have no idea what to do.

I cannot say if it was depression exactly, yet a family members timing between some physical health issues and my first hearing of bipolar disorder coincided with them leaving college.
They've rediscovered their life's passion, met an incredible person for them and has children. There's life with or without a degree.
Maybe the silver lining isn't apparent now, yet life lessons rarely are immediate.

That's inspiring. I know there is life without a degree and I understand there's people who are not interested in going to college. Those people can have a successful life, too. But I always wanted to keep studying and now I feel like I messed up everything because of my mental condition.

I think that healing from depression is most likely the best plan if you can manage that. Once you're not depressed, e v e r y t h i n g will be much better, including college. Read those links. - vital

So.. You suggest that I stop studying, at least for this year, and concentrate on healing from my depression? I know that's probably a good idea, it just makes me feel really bad because I've lost one year before and I wish I didn't have to disappoint anyone once again. And I've read those links, which I appreciate very much.

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Helen!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. Depression has a way of making everything seem impossible. Get that under control and you will find you have a better outlook on life and you'll be able to start making plans for the future. It doesn't sound like your medication is working in you favor. Perhaps a visit to you doctor is needed. Best wishes!!! You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

Hello! Thank you so much, I appreciate it. I'm trying to concentrate on recovering but it's not that easy. As for my medication, I got off my meds some months ago. I don't think it was making any progress when it came to my depression. I'm glad I'm here too, I get to help other people and talk about my feelings. That's really great.

My advice is to go and get expert advice. See a physician and therapist to do that. They are the experts in this area. We can't advise you on a plan as we do not know you. Your therapist ending your sessions prematurely was a mistake on their behalf so find another one. And see a doctor for a medication review. All the evidence says that the earlier people get the right treatment the better the outcome. Get a plan going with your doctor and a therapist. The more you delay the slower your recovery.

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Thank you, I appreciate it.