[lark265]

About 3.5 years ago, I was with my Mom (then age 81) and my dying stepfather (then age 86) during my stepfather's last moments. Very difficult. And today, it feels like it is still happening sometimes......and that hurts, a lot. I don't know, I guess the main sense I have is one of "guilt." Like my Mom was looking to me to somehow fix the situation. I was standing up holding his hand while my Mom sat on her bed a few feet away.....he was unconscious and breathing extremely slowly. I just held his hand and kept saying it was "OK", that it was OK if he just let go and that we loved him. And then I didn't feel anymore pulse. I told my Mom, "He is gone." I can remember it like it was yesterday, unfortunately. The guilt. The stupid guilt. He was dying of liver cancer - and obviously nothing I could do, or have done, to save him. One one hand I am proud that I could be there for my Mom and on the other hand sad that it had to be me......I had just called her that morning out of the blue about something. She then said that it didn't look like Jack was "going to make it." I came right over. I don't know why the anxiety is so extreme even today, 3 years later. I feel like I must apologize to unknown people (or God?) for what I did that day. Like, "I'm sorry I killed my stepfather." Crazy. Why won't Peace come?

[vital]

Originally Posted by lark265

About 3.5 years ago, I was with my Mom (then age 81) and my dying stepfather (then age 86) during my stepfather's last moments. Very difficult. And today, it feels like it is still happening sometimes......and that hurts, a lot. I don't know, I guess the main sense I have is one of "guilt." Like my Mom was looking to me to somehow fix the situation. I was standing up holding his hand while my Mom sat on her bed a few feet away.....he was unconscious and breathing extremely slowly. I just held his hand and kept saying it was "OK", that it was OK if he just let go and that we loved him. And then I didn't feel anymore pulse. I told my Mom, "He is gone." I can remember it like it was yesterday, unfortunately. The guilt. The stupid guilt. He was dying of liver cancer - and obviously nothing I could do, or have done, to save him. One one hand I am proud that I could be there for my Mom and on the other hand sad that it had to be me......I had just called her that morning out of the blue about something. She then said that it didn't look like Jack was "going to make it." I came right over. I don't know why the anxiety is so extreme even today, 3 years later. I feel like I must apologize to unknown people (or God?) for what I did that day. Like, "I'm sorry I killed my stepfather." Crazy. Why won't Peace come?

You were there when your Mom needed you lark. - vital

[Killian Hook]

It sounds to me like you might have survivor's guilt, Lark.

I went through something similar when a friend of mine died. I didn't find out she passed until later, and I felt bad for a lot of the things that went unsaid and unresolved.

In my experience, it helps to write down what I would say to the person in a letter and then burn it. Let it all go.

Hope you find some relief.

--Killian

[rpondpa]

What you did was good. That is an emotionally tough thing to do, to witness but you were a comfort to you mother and stepfather. Please let yourself off the hook on this one.

[cloudyn808]

Aloha Lark,

Witnessing a death can result in memories reliving the event for a long time afterwards. I've attended several hundred deaths and I can probably remember them all. I CAN say it sounds like your step-father was blessed to have what appears to be a peaceful passing AND loving people at his side. If only we all had that amount of support at the end.

In my experience, it really does help to speak with others who have experienced this type of event. I keep talking about it until the energy associated with it lightens... Take care