[StillIntending]

Just what the title says. I don't want to live. Let alone how I'm not sure I can. The very few options left open to me that don't involve death are piddling and contrived attempts at a quick fix. They are vapid and meaningless and will neither do away with or weaken my depression. I'm starting to cut myself in tiny areas around my body, hopefully such that no one who saw would necessarily connect them with self injury. I can't leave physical evidence of depression on my body. That's too much of a risk. But if I kill myself soon anyway maybe it won't have mattered so much. I can't yet because I'm not strong enough to. Which is one reason I've taken up cutting. I need to be capable of injuring myself to death. I'm not right now. I'm too weak.
I don't want to live. I want to die. I want to die in my sleep tonight. I hope that I drop dead tomorrow.
Life isn't worth it. Life isn't worth the effort. Life certainty isn't worth the pain, but it's not even worth the work it would take to maybe have a chance at keeping the pain at bay.
Suicide really is the selfish choice. Right now I'm selfish enough to think about making it. I probably am not selfish enough to go through with it. But I damn well am selfish enough to hope I die of natural causes, very soon.
Calling today a good start at coping is absurd. I hated today. I wanted to kill myself for most of today. If this is the best start I can get then death is probably better. Sure, death isn't the only option, but it's still the best one.
I don't know what I expect from people. Their full attention I guess. Which is also absurd. I can't ever have that. But if I can't have that then maybe death is the best alternative.
Basically I really want to die tonight and since I know I can't do it myself I will now go to sleep hoping and praying that I never wake up. I probably will. I always have in the past.

I felt like you did over Christmas and for several months. Slowly, as my meds kicked in, and I started to see a T, the feeling lessened. I thought about it (and still do) but not every hour and not in such a bad way. Now I feel it's like an insurance plan. If things get so bad, it's there. I hope you're seeing someone, either to get medication or just to talk. And I hope you stop feeling so awful.

[Fuzzybear]

[Fizzyo]

I'm sorry you feel so low and hopeless. I have had similar thoughts to the ones you describe for much of the past two years though no one can compare themselves with another's pain. People here have helped me to find the courage for the next day, and often only the next hour. I'm still here and, for now the feeling is less intense. I really hope that this post rambling and disorganised as it is will contribute to you finding some sort of courage to face the next hours one at a time. Please think about phoning your local suicide support line or any other helpline (I don't know what is in the US but the British Samaritans helpline really helped me and will help me again if I need them) there is information at the top of the depression forum. This is what they're there for and you are as valuable as anyone else,even if you don't feel that way. Wishing you some hope of hope very soon.

[lovejoy91]

Your life is worth fighting for. What is causing you to feel suicidal? Did something triggered you? Care to share?

[HelenasMaiden]

Originally Posted by StillIntending

Just what the title says. I don't want to live. Let alone how I'm not sure I can. The very few options left open to me that don't involve death are piddling and contrived attempts at a quick fix. They are vapid and meaningless and will neither do away with or weaken my depression. I'm starting to cut myself in tiny areas around my body, hopefully such that no one who saw would necessarily connect them with self injury. I can't leave physical evidence of depression on my body. That's too much of a risk. But if I kill myself soon anyway maybe it won't have mattered so much. I can't yet because I'm not strong enough to. Which is one reason I've taken up cutting. I need to be capable of injuring myself to death. I'm not right now. I'm too weak.
I don't want to live. I want to die. I want to die in my sleep tonight. I hope that I drop dead tomorrow.
Life isn't worth it. Life isn't worth the effort. Life certainty isn't worth the pain, but it's not even worth the work it would take to maybe have a chance at keeping the pain at bay.
Suicide really is the selfish choice. Right now I'm selfish enough to think about making it. I probably am not selfish enough to go through with it. But I damn well am selfish enough to hope I die of natural causes, very soon.
Calling today a good start at coping is absurd. I hated today. I wanted to kill myself for most of today. If this is the best start I can get then death is probably better. Sure, death isn't the only option, but it's still the best one.
I don't know what I expect from people. Their full attention I guess. Which is also absurd. I can't ever have that. But if I can't have that then maybe death is the best alternative.
Basically I really want to die tonight and since I know I can't do it myself I will now go to sleep hoping and praying that I never wake up. I probably will. I always have in the past.

I'm sorry if you're feeling this way, I know what it's like. I hope that you take care of yourself and that nothing bad happens to you. You deserve to be happy and I just hope that you can find the strength in you to keep going. Are you currently seeking professional help? A therapist or a psychiatrist, someone who can help you? You seem to be in a very much darker place. I'd recommend you see someone as fast as you can. I'm here if you need anything.

[StillIntending]

Originally Posted by lovejoy91

Your life is worth fighting for. What is causing you to feel suicidal? Did something triggered you? Care to share?

I feel suicidal on a semi regular basis. This night in particular was a bad one. My best friend, one of the only two people who knows about my depression at all, was busy the entire day, so I was effectively left completely alone. It was one of the worse days I've had. That night, when he finally could give me attention until he fell asleep, we talked about how poorly I cope with not being with him, either in person or over text. He said that in order to keep the depression from overtaking me I should probably try to do other things to keep my head busy. I said I'd spent most of the day actively engaged in things. He said that was a good start then. He was falling asleep at that point, so we said goodnight to each other, and it wrote this post on my bathroom floor while making a cut into my skin.

Originally Posted by HelenasMaiden

I'm sorry if you're feeling this way, I know what it's like. I hope that you take care of yourself and that nothing bad happens to you. You deserve to be happy and I just hope that you can find the strength in you to keep going. Are you currently seeking professional help? A therapist or a psychiatrist, someone who can help you? You seem to be in a very much darker place. I'd recommend you see someone as fast as you can. I'm here if you need anything.

Thank you. I am not seeking professional help, as I am a teenager and hiding my depression from everyone, including my parents. Only two of my friends know. The place I'm in is definitely dark but with my friends' help I believe I will still be able to outlive this. I didn't want to at the time of writing this post. I'm sure there will be times when I feel like this in the future. But I do believe I can still outlive this. And if I outlive it, I can get over it in time. That's the goal.

[HelenasMaiden]

Originally Posted by StillIntending

Thank you. I am not seeking professional help, as I am a teenager and hiding my depression from everyone, including my parents. Only two of my friends know. The place I'm in is definitely dark but with my friends' help I believe I will still be able to outlive this. I didn't want to at the time of writing this post. I'm sure there will be times when I feel like this in the future. But I do believe I can still outlive this. And if I outlive it, I can get over it in time. That's the goal.

It's good that you have two friends whom you can still count on, that helps a lot. You never thought about talking with your parents about your depression? I don't know them or how they might react but it would be helpful if you could see a professional. I like that you stay positive, that's nice and a great step to get better.

If you decide to seek help (which I think you absolutely should) here's something that might help you:

Guide to talking to friends and family about depression
Telling someone about your mental health problem
Coming out about mental illness
Teenager’s guide to depression
10 ways to cope with depression
Tips on how to keep your **** together when you’re depressed

Stay strong.

[Clara22]

Are you too overwhelmed by something like money or exams? I am asking this because being overwhelmed triggers my Sui desires

[StillIntending]

Originally Posted by HelenasMaiden

It's good that you have two friends whom you can still count on, that helps a lot. You never thought about talking with your parents about your depression? I don't know them or how they might react but it would be helpful if you could see a professional. I like that you stay positive, that's nice and a great step to get better.

If you decide to seek help (which I think you absolutely should) here's something that might help you:

Guide to talking to friends and family about depression
Telling someone about your mental health problem
Coming out about mental illness
Teenager’s guide to depression
10 ways to cope with depression
Tips on how to keep your **** together when you’re depressed

Stay strong.

I'll look at all of those. I can't tell my parents for various reasons, but there is one friend I want to tell soon. These links may help me do that more easily. Thank you.

Originally Posted by Clara22

Are you too overwhelmed by something like money or exams? I am asking this because being overwhelmed triggers my Sui desires

Kind of? I'm homeschooled. This year was horrific for me. I didn't finish two subjects, and so I'm doing them through the summer. Having those to attempt to do, and fail at, do count as a trigger, I suppose. But my best friend's life is changing quite dramatically right now and probably will take a big turn in a few months—a turn that no one, including myself, but especially including my parents, want him to take. He doesn't have nearly as much time for me. He's pretty much the only thing that can ever hold my depression at bay, so now, when he can only give me small amounts of time on a semi regular basis, when I'm used to quite a bit of time every day, is a strain on me. So much of a strain that it might become the thing I finally kill myself over.

[i dont matter]

***Hugs of support***

[Fizzyo]

Originally Posted by i dont matter

***Hugs of support***

I agree with the hugs but don't agree with 'Useless Me'. Be kind to yourself!