Daily Check In, ups and downs #16

Nothing on the planet would have pursuaded me to stay another week at my job. Getting out was fantastic. Don't stay because you feel compelled, pack your things and walk out with a big smile on your face.

Not a good day. I have a choice, miserable or side effects. Looks like I'm choosing miserable, idk how long I can stand it, but side effects would finish me off sooner.

I had a pretty good day at work today, though I'm still thinking about that incident from yesterday - about that missing item that should have been shipped out and delivered that I am responsible for. That woman yesterday, who brought it to my attention, was not in today. I wondered why. Last week she was out because she got very sick. It was too bad all of this had to happen. I feel bad that she's had to take the brunt of what had happened because of me. I like her a lot personally, and now I feel like she hates me now.

I had a bad dream last night. I guess that should be understanding considering what had happened yesterday. I probably took that problem to bed with me.

I felt very depressed when I got up this morning. And then I felt pretty good in the mid-morning. But around 11AM and on, I felt terrible. And then later this afternoon I felt a little bit worse because I was going to workout and I decided not to. I decided not to workout because I have some doctor appointments next week, including getting medication with side effects. I went to the pool area and a couple of people came in who I'm not crazy about. That just reminds me of why I want to sell my place and move out.

Not sure if I'm in the right state of mind just yet; but I know that I'm far from that place that I was in when I was hospitalized. Depression just sucks the enjoyment out of everything. Doing what I can to keep it at bay. Exercising helps a little in that it relieves the stress, but some ongoing, persistent psoriasis isn't helping matters much. So, I relegate myself to wishing others well in the fight against this terrible affliction.

I stopped the medications due to the side-effects; they were horrible. Misery lasted a bit beyond a couple of weeks after stopping medications. Still have the most annoying side-effect, tinnitus, persisting from a brief trial of Wellbutrin. What has helped me of late has been exercise, which I returned to after an 18 month absence.
I wish you well with your struggle. This illness is, in my opinion, one of the most debilitating there is.

I've had tinnitus for so long I don't remember what silence would be like, I just can't imagine. Its worse with the amitriptyline, and the stuff isn't helping for pain, all it does is make me more lazy.
I wish I didn't have this pain, going for walks and getting my apartment nice and clean used to help for depression, lately everything is so painful, I don't know what I am going to do. No one understands. I try not to tell anyone, it doesn't help and they don't get it.

I'm having a really bad day. My sister's boyfriend left her. As always happens she has to be the center of the universe. She has called me so angry telling me why I don't call her. As I have explained, I arrived too late at home and then I have to cook dinner, tomorrow lunch, do dish washes and spend some time with hubby...
Oh, my god, how egoists I am... Spend time with hubby when she is alone with no man at her side... As always if she is not dating with someone I have to be with her. No with my husband... Oh, I have just forget... I can't be happy because she's not. But my life is my husband and my home. She has the capacity of make me feel the worst person in the world. And I'm starting to feel that I would like to be the center of my world for once in my life...

It was not a busy day at work today. I feel like my depression is back again. It seemed like the depression had disappeared for a while. But now it's back.

The issue of the missing package came up again. The woman, who gave me the package to send out, came to work today. She was out yesterday. She asked me about it, if anything has come up. Of course it hasn't! I wanted to ask her some questions, but she seemed too occupied. Maybe tomorrow we can talk it over. If only this thing didn't happen, I would be OK.

I told someone at the complex I live at that I am selling my place and moving. She acted sad about it and told me that she would miss me. Funny thing is that I hardly ever see her. I used to see her in the pool area, but she stopped coming a long time ago. She told me that she would want to stay at the place. She said that she doesn't want to move out because of the high rents in the area. It stopped me for a bit about wanting to sell. I live in a fairly nice place. It's just that the people make it bad. Also as of right now, there's a loud party going on at a house next door.

Bladder problems were the worst of my side effects, I'd forgotten about the tinnitus. I feel for you both, luckily my tinnitus cleared up when I stopped the SSRIs / SNRIs. Looks like I'll have to start them again or accept the depression won't go away.

i feel depressed, woke up a 4 am. enjoying using my computer. i want to listen to music after my husband leaves for work soon.

I've had better days, but I've definitely had worse days, too. Wishing all of you well with your struggle in keeping the cold hand of darkness and depression off of your shoulder today.

no words today. no words

Just trying to process what to say to p doc. ...... honestly I feel stagnant and not changing and its frustrating me. But then again maybe I feel drugged. ... since I last saw p doc I have felt frustrated with myself but at the same time I feel calm, yet normal. But is the shaking a physical issue or a psychological one. I just don't know. Or am I just causing problems for myself by saying that this is or isn't psychosomatic. Not sure.....am I just thinking too hard? Or is this a chemical process?

I've been shaking beyond anything surreal, it's like a earthquake inside me. It has gotten so bad that I can hardly drive. My heart is palpitating so badly that I feel like I am having a heartattack. I say pdoc on Tuesday, I shared with him all of this, he never responded, I asked if it could be anxiety, again, blank stare and then asked how were my meds, was I having any side effects. I smiled the entire time I was there, it was clear that he wasn't listening, as a matter of fact I knew he wasn't listening when he said....If you were going to do it (suicide) you would have done it by now. A 20 minute session turned out to be a session from hell. I left feeling worse than what I felt before I got there.

Getting back to question, it may be anxiety, I looked up the symptoms and everything I describe above with a few other things was right there in front of me in black and white.

It got so bad on Friday that I called NAMI seeking help, not knowing what to do, she suggested that I call my pdoc, I knew that was a bad idea and I knew he wouldn't respond. She also suggested that I go the ER, another bad idea, especially since I wasn't feeling suicidal, I just wanted the trembling/shaking, palpitation heart, the feeling of not being able to breath, the running thoughts to stop. I didn't want to be inpatiented for nothing. But things havent gotten better and I am sriously considering taking NAMI's advice.

I think this was a very good post. It has helped me.

I'm too afraid to order in food now and I have nothing in the house. I'm scared.

I tanked in writing class again today. The group looked at me in amazement that I wrote a story with so many things to fix. I was experimenting. I know what I wanted to say and was happy with my effort. I took the groups advice on how to communicate. It is time for me to move on from my unstable ex, my alcoholic parents, and from me trying to run away from my pain. Just like a story, Ill keep to a point, explore it, and try and learn from it - life is much simpler than we try and make it.

Plenty sick of all of this.
I can't deal with it anymore.
So tired.

I'm checking in, but soon to check out!

I am telling myself not to be so serious about life. I never wanted to be amazing or super or a wonderful person or decent or sensible. I just wanted to live and love. It is funny, I found a voice in my conscience from my Dad. He was always the kindest person to me. He always encouraged me to be his ideal of me even though his wife was an alcoholic and he fled every chance he got. Now I am getting divorced, he still gives quiet advice on how what I should do. I am going to tread water and look up at the sky and if that is the sum of my success then the sky is really beautiful. I will also be more careful of encouraging my children to be amazing when they sometimes are just treading water.

I have my firsts appointment with a new therapist, was good. My PTSD was there with me too ... I cry a lot, but I can tell she is good. We set a plan about what we are going to be doing in therapy, told her that I am ready to work with a slow exposure therapy, and keep facing my fears.

I am very thankful to you all, I am not alone, you are not alone. Big Hugs

i need to make some new, good memories to replace these old, bad ones.

i wish i didn't remember. but i do. and i can't make it better, except by distracting myself, which works only half the time.

it's when i'm up at night, alone, with no one to talk to, that i start to think about everything. and mourn.

Dammit, hurting to the end... I just want to finish all but I have to come back another day. I knew...

Hello, it's been a while since I've posted here. Not much has changed for me. I'm still overworked and stressed out because of my job. It's pretty much consumed everything and I don't like that. I need balance or my depression will get worse.

I took the step of contacting a therapist that would be available to meet during the evening. (I mean like 6 or 7pm) She is even available on Saturdays too. Even though I know that going to therapy is good for me, I feel like it's pointless. She called me two days ago and I never called her back. Stupid, stupid.

It's been a pretty weird week for me. At least I'm glad that this is Friday and no work to think about for Saturday and Sunday. Well, at least I made it through the weirdness at work this week.

I feel hopeless, worthless. I'm such a failure. This will be another year without going to school. I can't handle it now. I wish I could. I wish I could be normal. I was so good at learning when in highshool. Until everything got bad. I wish I had found a good therapist sooner. I wasted so many years on bad therapist. But I was young and didn't know better. I hate therapist. I hate therapy. I hate me. I'm so lonely. I wish I had somebody. I don't know what to do.