Seriously depressed please help

I think I was initially posting in the wrong forum. Below is my initial post and what has happened since.

Hello, I tried to type this out yesterday and lost the thread, which is really unfortunate as I was really ‘feeling’ it yesterday and got down everything I had wanted to say.
This is very long, so I apologise in advance, but I would appreciate so much, someone listening as I have not been taken seriously on a couple of other forums in the past due to the fact that I was never actually in a relationship with this person. This situation has taken up a good 5 and a half years of my life and I’m now at rock bottom and really can’t take it anymore.
I started a new job in April of 2008 and really saw it as a fresh start and an exciting new opportunity and I really hit the ground running with it.
I had recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half, but he turned out to be a bit of a pig, a liar and took money from me and threatened my younger brother. I was glad to be rid of him and went into the new position with eyes wide open and a clean slate. I felt contented and happy.
Fast forward a year to April 2009 and I got a new position as a support trainer for new staff. This was seen as quite an accomplishment and again I threw myself into it. The position involved quite close contact with the business’ quality auditor (although in hindsight I’m not sure anymore if his position actually did involve contact with the new people or whether it was just me he wanted contact with).
I’m not comfortable with using his name so if you don’t mind I’ll call him ‘Mr X’. Due to past experiences, I’d just like to be known as Shamrock.
The first thing I really remember is him visiting my floor with a member of the training team. He seemed so important and a figure to be ‘scared of’ in a way – not by me but by newer staff. He cuts a powerful figure, or at least I thought he did – very broad shouldered and an alpha male in how he carried himself. I felt drawn to him almost immediately but I didn’t do anything about it. We seemed to just ‘click’, we got on well and would talk and joke. I really thought I had made a friend and remember feeling at the time that it was really cool, that here I was in this great new job and I was making friends already. I had settled in and felt like, with my new position, I was doing really well for myself.
I’m not exactly sure how things changed, I do remember him being off from the office for a few days, and I do remember missing him about the place because we did get on so well. That’s my honest memory. I sent him a message saying that I hoped all was ok and he replied a few days later saying that he had been sick. I think I replied with something like ‘You’re back!’ and he said ‘That’s right baby..I’m back!’
I can’t remember when the tone of the emails changed. But soon we were emailing each other every day. It would usually start with him saying ‘Morning....’ in the subject field and then the conversation would increase throughout the day. The conversation would be anything from what was happening socially, what books or movies we liked, funny jokes and memes and then it turned sexual. I’m not really sure what I was supposed to think, but the fact that by the end of this I had counted he was sending me up to 40 emails a day (I replied of course) and in total over a few months they mounted up to 2,000, may explain why my head is so profoundly screwed up now.

From there, his regular visits started. I worked on the 2nd floor at the time and he was based on the 1st. He began calling up to see me. He had more freedom, being a superior, to leave his desk and go wandering than I did. So the visits were 99% all him. We would chat, he would seem attentive and it wasn’t work related either. It was personal stuff, chat between friends and I felt very comfortable with it. He would come up to visit me at least twice a day. Then the emails started. After he came up to see me, he would follow it up with something like ‘I hope you feel better...’ in the subject field and then ‘Now that I’ve been up talking to you’. I slowly started to believe that he felt more for me than just friendship.
I’m going to be completely and totally honest – I had heard ‘whisperings’ of a girl called Miss X but only knew that she lived in a different state. I have only had 3 relationships of a serious nature in my life and I’ve never had a one night stand or slept with anyone that I didn’t love. I am telling the truth when I say that I believed that Miss X was nothing serious, maybe just a girl in another state that he saw casually. My rationality behind it was if he was paying me so much attention, then he couldn’t be serious about anyone else. In my book, people just don’t do that. Besides she didn’t live anywhere near us and I therefore didn’t pay it much attention. A friend did try to warn me saying ‘just be careful’ but I didn’t listen. I had my mind made up that he liked me and that was that. Nothing else made any sense to me.
I can’t remember when the tone of the emails changed. But soon we were emailing each other every day. It would usually start with him saying ‘Morning....’ in the subject field and then the conversation would increase throughout the day. The conversation would be anything from what was happening socially, what books or movies we liked, funny jokes and memes and then it turned sexual. I’m not really sure what I was supposed to think, but the fact that by the end of this I had counted he was sending me up to 40 emails a day (I replied of course) and in total over a few months they mounted up to 2,000, may explain why my head is so profoundly screwed up now. And to make matters worse, I was falling in love. Every time I saw him, my heart would just leap. I am a typical ‘wear heart on sleeve’ type, and I’m sure he could see I was glowing every time he came near me.
The emails started to turn more suggestive and he would start to make comments about clothes I was wearing and I in turn would compliment him. If he said he liked my shirt, I’d respond telling him he looked nice too. There seemed to be a real ‘heat’ in the air and I enjoyed giving him the compliments, genuinely, because I really liked and was starting to care about him so very much.
One of the first emails he sent me went like this (after I told him I don’t smoke) and he replied with, ‘You don’t smoke?? Have you ever looked???’ I’m not sure how I was meant to take this comment as anything other than him telling me that he found me attractive. So I then took it as ‘safe’ to start responding with similar comments and I would tell him that I found him to be very handsome too. But I wasn’t doing it in a sleazy way and made it clear that I was paying him a compliment which he would then say ‘thank you’ and take it.
Things really started to heat up and along with his emails he would be visiting me twice a day. If there was ever a time when he came up to my floor and I wasn’t at my desk, I would return to an email saying ‘and where have you been hiding?’ He would also tease me into giving him little offerings of things such as ‘oh I have a really boring meeting, give me an image to go into it with’. I would say something like ‘what about a naughty nurse?’ and he would come back with ‘is that it? Can you be more specific?’ I then felt he was making it safe for me to respond and I said ‘Me?’ and he said ‘Yes, that’s better, I will picture you as a naughty nurse in the meeting to ease the boredom’.
It then escalated further and he would send me messages such as ‘I hope you’re happy now that I’ve been up talking to you, at crotch level’. I fully admit that I encouraged this BUT MY PART IN IT WAS GENUINE. I was falling in love and genuinely believed Mr X felt the same and that what we were doing was ok, because it FELT SO GOOD, SO NATURAL AND SO RIGHT. I could not get enough of him and although I was fully invested in my new job and doing it well, he was a very welcome distraction. He would also tell me that I completely put him off his work and when I was around he couldn’t concentrate.
I started to hear from other people that they believed he had feelings for me and one colleague even said that one day she saw him just standing staring at me. I just felt like I was on air because my feelings were returned!!!! I’ve never been the centre of any man’s attention (apart from my Daddy) and I thought that this was it with one friend telling me that ‘I can see Mr X is mad about you’ and that she believed he was maybe ‘the person you’re supposed to be with’.
He then cranked it up a notch and started sending me even more suggestive emails telling me that after seeing me he was ‘having difficulty sitting down’ (ie he had an erection). He would also tell me that there was no way he could get up and leave his desk because everyone would see. The content of my emails was never very explicit – I get too easily embarrassed and my part in the emails was really just responding to anything he had said. For example he once sent me a full list of sex positions (every position under the sun) and put a cost beside them. When I asked him ‘I have to pay?’ he then said ‘OK what about this – a one off special! Free!’ He would say things like ‘Oh if only fantasy could be a reality’ and I would say (not wanting to seem too keen) ‘Yes...if only...’
He would do things in work like say ‘Give me a dollar’, if he was short on change. As my friend agreed, things that you do when you are really comfortable with someone, like you do with a partner.
He would be quite down some days and when I asked him what was wrong he would say that he had a sore back or something and I would offer him a massage (I knew this wasn’t realistic as I couldn’t give a massage in the office). One day when I got completely soaked in the rain and my feet were drenched he sent me a message saying ‘Poor baby....you could always get one of the newbies to carry you home..’ and I said ‘I don’t want one of the newbies to carry me home...’. I think we both knew what we meant. Or at least this is what I genuinely believed. In my head I was thinking ‘He knows what I mean and I know what he is trying to say to me..’ I was totally besotted with him.
There wasn’t a day I would leave work, without him at least sending me a message to tell me he was leaving and that he would miss me over the weekend. He would say things such as ‘have a good weekend, thinking about me..’ and he would also send strong hints that he was (sorry) thinking of me while he was masturbating. I also took this as a sign that he wasn’t seeing anyone else. I can be naive but I do know people masturbate in relationships – I just didn’t think he was having sex with anyone else and I would check in with some of my more experienced friends who would tell me that they believed he was ‘testing the waters’ to see how I felt about him.
So the emails and visits continued and then in early June, he sent me an invite to coffee and when I asked what it was about he said that it was about the new starts and how they were getting on. My first reaction was ‘oh my God he’s going to ask me out while we’re at coffee’ and I was nervous and excited all at the same time. Again, listening to other people, the trainer who I had been working alongside with the new starts said ‘You do realise this is nothing to do with work?’ and another friend saying ‘He’s sussing you out, seeing how you feel’ etc. I was so happy!
Then one of many nails started to be placed into my coffin. We had coffee, we chatted about the newbies and about other normal things, and then towards the end of the conversation he said he was going off on a period of annual leave. I asked why (I was disappointed that I wouldn’t see him for a bit) and he said he was going off FOR HIS GIRLFRIEND’S BIRTHDAY. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry and went into a type of shock. I tried to remain very cool and asked ‘Is it love?’ and he calmly said ‘Yes...we’ve been together a year and a half’, without much emotion.
We finished up our coffee and he went for his train. I was devastated. I went to my friend’s house that evening and cried my heart out. I thought it was over and I was so hurt. But I was really in love with him and those feelings would not go away, and they still haven’t. I didn’t expect to hear from him again.
Then on the Monday when I returned to work feeling very low and him being the last person I expected to hear from, an email pops in ‘Morning....’
I was stunned but delighted. This was kind of my proof that what I was feeling wasn’t false – that my instinct that he wasn’t sure about Miss X was right!! He wanted to talk to me!! My friend concurred saying ‘I think he is going to end up choosing between you’ and heavily hinted that she felt he would pick me.
I kept it very cool as I still had our coffee conversation in my mind. But very soon, very quickly, the tone of the emails escalated and his visits to my floor started again. He NEVER spoke of Miss X to me and if I would ask him of any plans he had for the weekend or if he did have any leave again, he would always reply with something akin to ‘Nothing exciting’ or ‘Yeah I was away for the weekend, it was nice’ but NO REFERENCE TO HER. I distinctly remember him going on a half day one afternoon and when I asked where he was going he said ‘Just to meet a friend for lunch’. I sensed it was her, but why refer to her as ‘a friend’??!
In late June, close to the time that Michael Jackson died, we all went out as a group to a bar on a Friday night. Nearly as soon as I arrived after my shift, I was standing talking to my friends and he came over and almost bulldozed his way in. Of course I was thrilled to see him and he was very charming and attentive. He bought the group some drinks and when I returned the favour he didn’t object.
He made a point of sitting very close to me, at one point putting his hand down the back of my pants to hoist me along the seat. He asked for our picture to be taken together ‘Take one of me and Shamrock’. For a really long time I treasured those pictures, now I can’t bear to look at them. It’s one of the very last times, I remember him smiling in my company.
That evening, I had had too much to drink but was convinced I could drive. Him and another guy I worked with escorted me to my car and when ‘Nice Guy’ offered me a place to stay, Mr X immediately spoke and said ‘Or she can stay with me I have a space’. Of course I’m going to pick Mr X. Nice Guy was very safe and had no hidden intentions. But I wanted to be with Mr X and was absolutely elated he had offered. I had no hidden intentions, I just wanted to be with him. It wasn’t even about sex, I just didn’t want to let him go.
In the taxi, I whispered to him ‘don’t you be taking advantage of me’. Sorry this bit is a bit ewwww but I had my period and was very conscious of that. We got back to his apartment and he made me a coffee. He was really attentive and his apartment was on different levels so when I needed to use the restroom he said ‘Do you want me to come with you?’ He showed me to the bathroom door.
When I got back we sat talking for ages. His room was very childish, is what I remember for a man of 33. He had Buffy posters on the walls. There was one photograph of a child and when I enquired as to who she was, he said she was his niece. I thought that was sweet. There were absolutely NO photographs of Miss X anywhere. None.
He came closer to me and said ‘Would you like to have a hug?’. ‘Are you kidding me??!’ He held me and I just wanted to stay there. Eventually I lay down on the bed and he admired how I was lying. He came and lay beside me and I lay with my head on his chest. There was nothing seedy about it although I do remember touching his chest and he comfortably let me. When the time came for us to go to sleep, I asked him if I could stay with him – but stressed I wasn’t going to do anything. I just wanted to lie beside him. I felt so safe.
He said something like I probably shouldn’t stay, but then as I got up to leave, he said he had left a T shirt for me to wear in the other room and that ‘if you go and put that T shirt on then you can stay here’. For the only reason that I had my period, I didn’t agree. He said ‘It’s okay we’re friends. Friends who flirt!’ I have never had a one night stand in my life, and have always been in a relationship before having sex, but to this day I regret not sleeping with him and if I could turn the clock back, I would. He told me this night that he had a very bad upbringing, which really sat with me but he didn’t want to talk about. I wondered how someone so wonderful could have had such a bad childhood.
I spent a very comfortable happy night knowing he was next door. I couldn’t believe I was there. When I woke up the next morning, I crept into his room to get my shoes. Even the smell of the leather of my sandals now triggers a memory of that night. He stirred as I got them off the floor and he looked really cute in his pjs. I went back to the room to get changed and he appeared at the door ‘What are you doing in here all by yourself?’ I explained I thought he might be changing and then he quickly said ‘I guess you need a taxi?’ Again this floored me as I was really hoping we could have breakfast or at least a coffee. I suggested I walk, and although he didn’t disagree, he said it was a deceptively far walk of about 3 miles. But he called the taxi and I remember picking up his post, handing it to him and then kissing him on the cheek. I’m really affectionate and it felt like the natural thing to do. But I was so confused by the coldness of the morning. I spent the entire weekend debating with my friend about why he had acted this way, what had I done wrong? Should I have slept with him?
So another tortured weekend wondering why he seemed so cold and distant. But on Monday ‘PING!’ – ‘Morning....’ I did explain that I had been very very worried over the weekend but he explained that it was nothing to do with me and that he was ‘just a grump’ in the mornings. He also started making references to my panties and when I was going to leave him a pair in his drawer. I jokingly said ‘oh I already did that’ and he actually looked. (I was kidding).
Again it went on, more visits, 40 plus emails a day. He would bring me candy to my desk and leave them as little surprises. He played jokes such as setting my watch back in time when I left it on the desk. He started to end his days with a ‘thought for the day’ which included anything from him thinking of me when I was swimming, or to getting me to think about him talking to me only wearing boxer shorts. Again, I felt that everything was okay and that eventually we would get together. I just didn’t understand why every Friday afternoon he left and I didn’t hear from him again until the Monday. Only on one occasion when I had a day off mid week, did he Facebook me at home to tell me he was thinking of me. He invented his own game on Facebook and encouraged me to play. When I said I couldn’t ‘get in’(to the game), his response was ‘I can’t imagine not letting YOU in’. I was absolutely over the moon that he had contacted me at home.
When he got back I decided that things had ran on for long enough and on a Friday when I knew the guys would be heading to the bar, I plucked up the courage and casually asked him if he’d like to join us. His reply was ‘I can’t this evening as I already have plans’. I asked him what he was up to and he said ‘Oh Miss X and I are heading out for drinks and rock music’.
I couldn’t believe it but managed to establish that Miss X had moved our state THREE WEEKS previously. So this whole time he was chatting and visiting with me, she was here. I asked to speak to him in a side room. However not before I had totally played it down and almost undermined myself by how cool I was being over it, pretending like I didn’t care.
However in the room it all came out, and I asked him how this could have happened if he had a girlfriend that was now living in state and had been here through this whole time. His response? ‘I didn’t mean to mislead you but I am in a relationship’. I made it clear I do not behave like this with men who are in serious relationships but I felt like he didn’t take any responsibility at all.I ended up taking it all on myself and even told him that I would love if we could be friends as I had become very attached. He agreed we could be friends. But I was devastated.
His birthday is in July and he took a couple of days off in July. I called to his floor to see him before he went and he emailed me immediately afterwards saying ‘Nice view as you were leaving’. He also made comments about admiring my breasts and I felt I was sharing everything with him as I assured him I had never ‘done’ anything like this before and that he was special (to me).
I asked him what he would like for his birthday and really flattered him with how great I thought he was, sending him links to little gifts etc. He then said he would like a birthday lapdance (from me). Off he went for his few days off but again he told me he’d miss me. Of course he knew I’d miss him.

Things ran on like this until early August, and it was on the evening of our staff annual bbq that my whole world changed. And when I say changed, since the 7th of August 2009, I have never been the same. The evening started great. I admit I wanted to look extra special and I went to a really big effort – did my hair, spray tan, great dress. Everyone, including him, said I looked beautiful. He came over to me and asked me to put ketchup on his burger. Again, things that are very familiar. He again asked that people take our pictures. He sat so close to me but then suddenly and without warning, would get up and leave, almost like he was throwing some sort of tantrum. I couldn’t keep away for long and did find myself wandering to where he would be, to be near him. My friend accused me of ‘playing it all wrong’, but I was in love. One of my colleagues who had been off on maternity leave, and of course didn’t know anything about what going on suddenly said in front of me ‘Well Mr X, how’s Miss X?’ I remember feeling in my head ‘no no no!!!’ and the girl then went on to say ‘Saw pictures of her recently, lookin’ foxy!’ and Mr X replied (in front of me) ‘Yes yes I’m incredibly pleased about that’. Another male colleague while we were having drinks, also said when Mr X did something stupid with his tongue ‘Oh lucky Miss X’. I was so horrified and turned off that I think something showed in my face, and I quietly excused myself.
I didn’t see him at the party for a while and while I was on my way to the restroom, I passed him in the hotel lobby. I innocently said something like ‘and where have you been?’ (WHICH IS WHAT HE WAS ALWAYS SAYING TO ME) and was not prepared for the response I got which was,
“Outside on the phone talking to Miss X”. He was so nasty to me. I had never seen him angry or in any way cold to me and I was so shaken by it.
I just walked on and went to the bathroom. When I came out, he’d gone. I remember being in the cab and trying not to be too sad as I was angry at his harshness. But I thought on the Monday he’d be back to normal. But he wasn’t. This was the last time he ever spoke to me.
From thereon in, any time he came to my floor, he would walk past me, ignore me completely and if I emailed him to challenge him on it (in a jokey way like ‘Am I invisible?) he would come back with something such as ‘Oh don’t be like that you are well aware of where I sit too’.
My friend overheard him walking past me through the double doors at the end of my floor one day and he apparently sounded like he was in a terrible huff and said ‘F this’ or something like that.
His emails stopped. Over the course of the next few days, I was so anxious by it all, that I waited where I knew he would walk past on his way for a smoke. When he saw me, he blew me a kiss, but kept walking. I asked ‘Mr X have I done something to offend you?’ and he said ‘No I’m just incredibly busy that’s all’ and kept walking. The pain I was feeling would not go away so over the next few days I tried a different approach and emailed him, outlining what I was feeling, making no suggestion of wanting to be with him or anything but asking why he had cut me off. I even apologised if I had been clingy at the BBQ and he said that I hadn’t been. He said I had done absolutely nothing wrong but that as we’d recently found out that our contract was changing, that he’d have to knuckle down to secure his position. That was all the explanation I’ve ever been given. It was excruciating seeing him. The complete turnaround and change felt like I was being stabbed.
My mind then started to work overtime, 24/7. I asked a couple of people had they thought I’d done anything wrong and they assured me they didn’t think so. I even asked one of his close friends and the friend reported back after asking Mr X that ‘there was nothing I had done’. I didn’t know what else to do, so I just let him be. Only on one other occasion when he was rude to me at a Christmas party did I say ‘You really have to stop speaking to me like this’ and he said ‘Oh not this **** again. I’m not getting into this again’.
So I was completely shut out. There was nothing else I could do so over time I just came to accept that he wasn’t going to talk to me. But in the back of my mind kept hoping that he would.
When we moved to our new contract the following May (2010), he was now ON my floor so I couldn’t escape it. Only on one or two occasions he said things to me like ‘Hello Dahling’ or sent me a funny email if he was impatient about me finishing a piece of work like ‘Tick Tock’...but that was all. It was so hard for me that I had to sit with my back to him but I soon began to pick up on some behaviour which only further served to hurt me. A young woman of only 23 or so started to work in our training department. She had previously told me that she thought he had feelings for me(when we were out for drinks one night) and told me that friends of hers also thought this too. But with her promotion came working more closely with him. Over the course of the next few months I had to watch while her and Mr X went for lots of smoke breaks together. I tried to kid myself that she was much too young for him but it hurt like hell, especially when she invited him to her birthday party. When she dressed up as a sexy Cavegirl for our Halloween party, I saw him sitting talking to her and rubbing his crotch area and laughing. I couldn’t understand this – he had told me he had to remain professional at all times, that friendships in the workplace didn’t work, and now I was having to witness things like this? And Cavegirl wasn’t the only one. When another attractive woman (IT Girl) started work in our department, I would see him going over to her and asking her to go for smoke breaks with him. OK I don’t smoke, but if he really was my friend as he maintained, could we not at least have gone for coffee? What was making these women so special and worthy of his time??
The worst was probably Eyelashes. A very pretty young woman who for some reason every time she came into the office started to say things like ‘Is Mr X in today?’ and when we would ask her why, she’d say that she didn’t like to sit with her screen open near him incase he saw her surfing the internet and stuff like that. But one day (I’m her superior), I was helping her with something and I saw a series of emails from him, to her. When I asked her what they were, her response spoke for itself and said ‘He’s my boss sometimes I have to email him’. She did NOT have to email him, he is everyone’s boss, and she has a direct line manager of her own. I also noticed that coming up to the likes of Christmas when she wanted to decorate the office, he would give her ‘all the time she needs’ to go shopping for the decorations. No one else had that privilege. She seemed to think she was cool and that she could speak to him whatever way she wanted. I openly saw her email him quite frequently. It was only one day when, in front of me, she was very sarcastic to him and he snapped at her, ‘don’t speak to me like that’ (he was furious) that things seemed to calm down. Eyelashes soon went off on long term sick and when I conducted her meeting with her on her return, she was so shaken she could barely speak. My instinct was that she had went through something similar to me but all she would say was that is was anxiety and depression. She soon moved to nightshift.
In September of 2010 I had to enter the first of a long series of therapy sessions. I was blaming myself to extremes, self harming, putting on weight, becoming very very depressed and isolated from my friends. For 4 long years he put a wall up to me which was so thick I couldn’t even speak to him – I was afraid to. I kept thinking ‘I need to leave my job, I need to leave my job’, but fear of the unknown has stopped me.
Then in November of 2014, I was at my best friend’s house for dinner. We were chatting casually when the subject of Mr X came up. I should add that virtually NO ONE that I work with or that are my close friends like Mr X. My best female friend has never liked him and thinks he’s a creep who is very disrespectful to women. I never really believed it and thought he was just the greatest.
We were chatting about him anyway and wondering who he was friends with at work aside from Dumb and Dumber (2 guys who he hangs out with). My friend said ‘well I think he must be friendly with C because he’s going to his bachelor party’.
I said ‘Whose bachelor party?’ but it was all in slow motion as I tried to hope what she was about to say wasn’t about to come out of her mouth.
And she said ‘Mr X’s’. The room became uncomfortable as of course my best friends know how I feel and I tried to calm myself down but the tears just wouldn’t stop. I ended up having to leave. I could not comprehend this. Mr X had told me on several occasions that ‘I don’t believe in marriage’ and had been heard saying this in front of Miss X as early as the year before. None of this made sense to me.
I was devastated, I just went home and got into bed and literally just wanted to die. The next morning my best friend M was so worried about me that he insisted on taking me to hospital. I had to undergo a psychiatric evaluation which lasted 2 hours. I wanted them to keep me in for my own safety but they seemed confident I wasn’t a huge suicide risk. Although I did want the ground to swallow me whole, I would never abandon my pets. I was told that I must see a regular counsellor and was put on medication.
The next few days were a blur. It was very strange though because the marriage seemed to be being kept on the down low. Aside from my friend who told us, because she works in the same department as C, no one knew. I knew as much as to know it was taking place in Las Vegas, but that’s all I knew.
I was determined to get out of my job – I couldn’t handle it anymore. I could barely look at him. But everything I applied for was either half heartedly or of little interest so I didn’t get anywhere and am still in my job. He left to get married in April of this year and I had to take the surrounding days of him going off and make sure I wasn’t here on his return. I just couldn’t take it. Although no one was really talking about it, I just didn’t want to be around and I’m sure it was obvious.
Upon his return I had a meeting with him on my first day back after leave. He came into the room full of the joys ‘There you are! I was looking for you’, but I’m sure he wasn’t anticipating my reaction. I just raised my eyebrows at him and got stuck straight into the meeting. But within a few minutes I became so upset at being in his presence that I had to excuse myself and leave. I don’t know what it was, whether the emotion at seeing him or the build up of all the stress but I just broke down. I saw his wedding ring and was nearly sick. When I returned to the room he was just typing away on his computer. He didn’t raise his eyes and not ONCE did he even ask me was I ok. He even said ‘You need to question your ability to do the job if you’re going to get that upset...’ only to deny that he had said it when I questioned him on it the next day. He lied and said ‘I didn’t say that. I said ‘don’t question your ability to do your job and get this upset’. LIES!
I absolutely avoided him at all costs over the next few weeks. If he attempted to speak to me, he was met with one word answers. I didn’t want anything to do with him. But I’m not a good game player and unfortunately I found that if I was cold he was ICE. But overall, and I’m not just saying this, he seemed totally and profoundly miserable. Not like a man who had just got married. Various other department heads would approach me and my colleagues and say ‘what’s wrong with your boss?’ and our big boss says that she has noticed such a change in him, that he doesn’t seem like a happy man.
So I’m preparing to leave and have told my big boss why. She is horrified but believes me and wants to help. She is going to help me find a way out. She agrees my mental health can’t take anymore. She says that I can put in a complaint if I wish.
I went away for the weekend with my best friend M. He is male and very understanding. He’s gay and has a lot of female friends. Even though we’ve been close for so long, he said he had something to tell me over lunch.
What he told me astounded me – he told me that a female friend of his who used to be a colleague had confided in him that Mr X had touched her backside. That everytime we had a staff outing, he would make a beeline for her. And that she had also told him that he had commented on a dress she was wearing, making comments about her behind and saying ‘I really want to feel your tits’. This lady (G) is much older than me and to be honest, not very attractive (sorry). But the way my mind is at the moment I’m thinking ‘Oh, so Mr X can feel her up and she’s not pretty...what does that say about me if he’s completely cut me out of his life??’ G apparently told my friend if we were at a staff outing to keep an eye on Mr X and rescue her if needs be. I should add that what happened to G happened AFTER what happened with me but still while he was with Miss X.
My friend also told me that Mr X has been inappropriate to our friend E, and our other friend J. He has (I didn’t know this), felt E’s backside and also said things like ‘I want to be inside you’ to another girl (T). J confided that he took J’s phone to the bathroom and took a picture of his penis and that he also did this to another girl (Cavegirl) – taking her phone and taking a picture of him peeing and showing his penis, on her phone. I have since had another friend confide in me that he called her ‘Satan’s *****’ and yet another friend tell me that while she was standing outside the building waiting for her fiancé, that he passed her and told her she looked like she was ‘on the game’ (ie prostitution).
Still, with all of this, I am struggling to understand what has happened to me and why I have fallen so deeply for this man, that if he was to come to me on bended knee now, I’d likely fall into his arms. What is wrong with me? I feel like I have wasted 6 years of my life, possibly lost my chance to have children and just stalled completely like a worn out car. I am exhausted all the time, I’m irritable to the point of rage (I will shout at people if they get too close to me or make a noise that irritates me), I drink too much, I stay at home a lot and am just generally so so unhappy I feel like I will never recover.
The main issue for me is that someone has MARRIED this man. So for me that is the living proof that there is NOTHING wrong with him and EVERYTHING wrong with me. When I found out he was getting married I broke down and spoke to Dumb (who is actually really lovely and has admitted he finds me beautiful and he would pursue me himself if he could) and Dumb told me that Mr X is a very selfish insecure person and that Miss X is ‘no princess’. He told me there are things she doesn’t know about him. I told him she may add me to her list. He said they are just the type of people to run off to Vegas to get married and that Mr X just wants what Dumb has (a nice house and a wife).
I have never been so confused or messed up about anything so badly in my life. As this man is now my boss, I have to see him every day and sit 2 people along from him. There is nothing in his face, no emotion, no happiness, nothing. He’s robotic and I feel that’s it’s my fault. Someone even suggested to me that I’m a nuisance to him now or a thorn in his side (not wanting to hurt me, just surmising) but I would be unemployed before I’d ever cause anyone pain, especially him.
I’m just desperately trying to find out what’s wrong with me or why this happened to me. I would deeply deeply appreciate any advice and I can only apologise that this is so long. I carry this around with me EVERY day and I have no idea what to do anymore. I don’t know if this guy is a narcissist, if he cared about me, if he still does, if she trapped him, if there’s a chance for us in the future, if he loves me, hates me, thinks I’m a piece of filth...I just don’t know.
Thank you to anyone who may take the time to read this.



Re: Leaving a job
This just gets better! I sent him an email today letting him know that I'd found out that some people were getting time back for a job they did. I hadn't been told but asked if I could have the time as well. His response?

"It sounds as though you're suggesting some sort of cover up?"

Cue tears. I went and bought him that f***** balloon and have been trying so hard to just do a good job and be a good employee despite how I'm feeling.

I AM DONE!!!!



Re: Leaving a job

Disclaimer: I didn't read your ENTIRE post. I read a good part of it, though.

Couple of things come to mind:

Mind you, I am not trying to make you feel bad. When (not, "if" - because you will) you come out on the other side of this, I hope that it will be with an understanding of a few iron-clad truths.

1) 99.99% of the time, you DO NOT EVER **** where you eat.

2) If there is even a "hint" of a "casual" other person's existence in a person you're interested ins life - tread very, very, very, very carefully. You'll want to take it creepingly slow in order to gauge whether you are being "played" or not.

3) It's a big misconception that affairs begin from physical/sexual attraction leading, at times, to an emotional bond. Most often, it's the opposite. People start off "just friends" "just being friendly" but the relationship grows deeper, closer, until physical consummation of it is the natural next step. Whether or not you did is not the point: it's where things were leading and the man was not free and clear.

4) You need to establish healthy boundaries, boundaries, boundaries for yourself

5) You may want to start looking for another job if you haven't already. It usually doesn't go well for the person not in the power position when this happens in the workplace.

I'd also, if I were you, find a very good therapist to work with you to figure out:

1) why it was that people in your life perceived negative things about this guy's character...and all you saw was "this great guy"?

2) why you're saying things like, "I would rather be unemployed than cause anyone pain, especially HIM." ???????? Hello. Why the hell are you so worried about HIS feelings? The person you need to be caring for and about right now is YOU.

3) why you think this is valid: "someone has MARRIED this man. So for me that is the living proof that there is NOTHING wrong with him and EVERYTHING wrong with me". This is what I call "pit thinking". You're in the abyss right now, hon, and way down there, all kinds of nonsense makes all kinds a'sense in the world to your pain-riddled brain. It's all BS - don't believe a word of it. Depression, more than anything else, is a BIG.TIME.LIAR. And the more pain you feed depression, the bigger and bigger the boogie monster gets. SO STOP FEEDING IT.

I've been in the pit where you are right now. Hell, I'm there more often than not. So I'm going to do for you what nobody except ONE person - a therapist when I FINALLY pulled it together enough to realize I needed professional help and began making phone calls did for me a long time ago.

I'm going to hold you accountable for your life.

If you haven't done so already (and if you have, skip to the next step and pick up where you haven't done something):

1) take a shower and wash your hair
2) get dressed
3) eat a healthy breakfast (not cookies, or stale donuts, or cold pizza): healthy
4) call out sick from work or say you're not feeling well and leave work
5) get a pad & paper and sit down at a table or desk with your telephone nearby - somewhere where you can talk privately
6) read (& if possible, print out) this: Interview Your Therapist | Psych Central
7) get out your insurance card, call Customer Service and review your mental health benefits, write them down
8) ask the Customer Service rep for the names of 4 in-network providers that are within a 10-15 mile radius from the town that you live in
9) call them and ask the questions in that article, or leave messages for them to call you back
10) make appointments with one or two of them
11) go outside and take a walk. I don't care if it's just up and down your block. Do that for 20 minutes. No less.
12) if your cell phone is your primary phone, take it with you in case a doctor calls you back

When you've done the above, write to me. I don't know what time zone you're in: it could be nighttime by the time that you get this. If that's the case, you have your game-plan for when the sun comes up.

Once you've made the therapist calls and get an appointment with somebody you need to distract yourself. Keep yourself busy. NOT BY TALKING ABOUT NOR CONTACTING HIM IN ANY WAY, FASHION, OR FORM.

He is now, for all intents and purposes, as poisonous for you as the most deadly of toxins. You don't go playing with poison, do you? You avoid it like the bubonic plague. Because why? Because poison can KILL YOU. Even if that death is only figuratively - you want to be walking around emotionally dead? NO. Nor physically dead. ALIVE. Healthy - in body and mind. That's your aim. That's your bulls-eye.

You are worth it. You are more than your pain. You will be ok. You will have to work hard. You are not alone.

I care. ((((((Shamrock76)))))).

Now get off your butt and go do what I said.

Thank you Lavender. These steps are really helping. I hope my experience can benefit someone else.

Hi Shamrock. I am sorry this has happened to you. It seems as though you and a few other people have been the victims of sexual abuse/harassment in the workplace. You are not the problem. Mr. X is the problem. You are not a bad person, but I agree with seeking therapy for you and getting your life back together.

I agree with Waterknob, he was your supervisor, so he uses and abuses his power

Definitely go the therapy route. You need a professional to help your sort through this entire mess and then to help you learn the warning signs so you don't repeat it. Like others have said, you are going to get through this and you will be stronger and wiser because of it.

Thanks so much for the extra replies. I didn't expect them. I feel I am just stuck in this endless circle of never feeling good enough - like I'm just not MEANT FOR a relationship because I don't look or act in a certain way. That happiness in love is just not meant for me because I'm not MRS X.Like I see other people, other women talking to him and constantly wonder why I'm just not even good enough to talk to anymore. The birthday balloon I chose for him is now sitting in the corner of the office deflating, the bag in which his wine was enclosed with a message 'love from all of us' is lying on the floor.

Mrs X apparently takes no crap - she has short stylish hair whereas mine is curly and unruly, I'm curvy and big boobed, she has apparently lost loads of weight lately. The comparisons, down to her very nose, never stop. I can't even think about sex in any way without picturing what she probably does better. It's horrendous

Hi Shamrock
I am a bit like you, so perhaps this will help.......there is nothing wrong with YOU, and you must learn to LOVE YOURSELF and stop saying such negative things to yourself.
This is something I struggle with as well, and have picked the wrong guy way too many times. You need to look within yourself and figure out why you think you want this guy--that everyone else seems to see as a BAD choice. With me, I just like the "win" of getting who I think I want at the time, usually one that is hard to catch.....and then once the catch is complete, I realize I have picked another BAD one.
Count your blessings that you dodged the bullet with this guy....even if you had "won" him, it probably would not be fun for you in the long run anyway--he sounds like quite a player.
Quit your job as soon as possible....you need to start fresh and get this man out of your universe so that you can move on and find a nice guy that deserves such wonderful devotion.
Good luck, I know you can do it

Thank you. That means a lot. Even for people to see how easy and devastating it is to be sucked in by someone with the tendencies of a player means so much. I wish I could turn the clock back because despite everything I do love him and having to see him everyday is excruiating. I don't know what I ever do to deserve it short of falling deeply in love. I didn't realise it was a crime but that's how his treatment of me has made me feel.

Be careful because guys like him function like drugs or alcohol, we get addicted to them, we suffer a lot of anguish and pain because of them but we keep looking for their attention. They are poisonous

Thank you Clara. Whatever anyone says I am still struggling to understand how and why if he's so bad he ended up with a wife.

even Hitler had a mistress.

just sayin.

i had a boss like that and he got married, as well. I think my boss had serious mental problems. I think his wife needed his status and also she was having some mental health issues, as well. Otherwise, she could not have put with all his stuff.

Please, sorry I am blunt, but I think you need to change the focus here. You are focusing on you and all what you do not have in order to achieve the goal of having this guy. The bad news is you could be the best woman in the world and yet you would not have him because he cannot donate himself to anybody. Nobody can have him, I think. And, he has not respected you, he should not be like a challenge to you but a bump in your road.
Every day we can learn things from what happens to us. All this experience contains a lot of things about you, and how the world works. You are still in the process of understanding the full meaning of this story. Please, grant yourself time, mercy, and all the respect this guy did not show for you. You deserve them. If you can, discipline yourself and abandone the fantasy of having this guy.
I am sending you a big hug

Oh my!! I wish a girl was so in love as you were with him!! Ok well...First of all I respect you as a woman who values relationships and connects sex with love. I think you are really a sensitive woman, capable of developing really DEEP feelings...It is so rare!!!! I have never been with a woman like you I wish I can.

I am like that way too , and happened with a girl I met during my trainee contract. Even if she did normal things I fell in love for her...oh well I developed deep feelings for her and we were going to be together.

But I moved to another city for completing my traineeship.Then we only chatted through Skype for three months.Then there was this guy.He just gave her a kiss after 5 days and she thougt it was important and believed that guy, so they are together now.I realized that this girl has problem with feelings development.....See why it is so rare a girl like you??

Anyway what helped was getting a new hobby to not think about her, then I met new friends in the new city I am still today , and focused more on my carreer which is giving me big satisfactions.

Yes satisfactions, whether at job or at sports, hobbies, in anything you are willing to commit yourself.

And remember you do not deserve him, you deserve a wonderful man who can take care of the Amazing woman you are. You are Golden.

Take care

Lavender, that is the best advice I have ever read in my entire life!

Shamrock, this guy is so toxic, you HAVE to get out of there. If your sister or best friend were having this problem what would you tell her to do?

OMG thanks again everyone. Every time I get a reply I am so touched that anyone has even bothered with me. It means a lot.

Thank you for the kind words Sensitiveman and Clara. And to you Tauren, yes I would tell my sister to get the hell away. I think I have hung in for so long because I was so sure it was my fault. Like I had to stay here to prove I am not a freak and to face him everyday to prove I'm not beaten. Every day he goes home to be with Mrs X it breaks me a little more. I keep on holding to the fact that he can't be toxic as he's MARRIED, someone CHOSE TO marry him. I'm the single one. How do I know it's not me with the problem??!

But as Lavender says...'Even Hitler had a mistress'.

And Ted Bundy had a wife.

You could have stuff that needs adjustment but something is wrong with this guy, no matter what. It is not an either or thing. You are like mourning right now, but you will feel better in the future

Absolutely. It feels like I am grieving.

You are. It's OK to be grieving. You will heal faster if you can get away from him. Can you change jobs or something?

Honey do not grieve!! You have nothing to be adjusted adn you did nothing wrong.You have been so gentle, so kind , so loyal , truly genuine. How can a man not adore you? Forget about him he treated you like crap when you are one of the rarest gem on earth, you just haven't been lucky enough to meet someone like you, a really valuable man who can appreciate you ,and is capable of great love as you ( yes I think you are really able to truly love someone )

Go out more, spend time with people that love you, make new friends, go to social clubs, keep knowing people, surround yourself with good companies. Start things that keep your mind entertained.

I wish I could support you more. For example I would take you out this evening if I were near you, and make you laugh a lot to make you forget about sadness and bad feelings ( we, in our mid twenties are pretty good at this you know? ).

Hope you really heal fast

Take care.

I can't take all the credit. A therapist that called me back (I was calling around looking for one) told me to do the first 2-3 and the take a walk outside thing and would only agree to continue our conversation by her calling me back after I had done those things. It was exactly what I needed.

I just expounded a little on it. But thanks. I hope it helps somebody.

On my. Very good point. Ted Bundy and the wife. (shudder)

Yes he also has a child somewhere.

I am very down today and feeling like a failure I need an action plan to get my own home, need to start saving. Got a new wee car yesterday just a runaround, but it's nice and reliable. Just wish I could leave the past behind and get rid of this pain and hurt.