I can see the end... BIG TRIGGER POTENTIAL

When I hear of people dying on the news or something of the like....i'm saddened if they are painful deaths. i'm saddened for those who knew them. But I'm envious of those who have passed the process of death and are now dead.

I have no proof of what happens after death...yet I still feel an automatic envy of those who die.

Something that made me feel some genuine peace the other day was the realization that I'm aging. I'm 33, almost 34. And the average life expectancy is about 77 for a male. So while I'm not quite to the half-way point, based on the life expectancy, it is approaching. And I can't help but think: "At least it's almost half over and soon it will be 3/4 over and then it will be over."

Thank God for the inevitable things in life: taxes, rising gas prices, and death.

I can see the end...at least I can't get any younger and have to go through it again. (I don't believe in reincarnation, but that would suck if it were true.)

I am not sure what the gig is but sometimes I like to think of reincarnation as the opportunity to do it better next time.

.......

The goal Ipse is how to figure out how to make the second half better than the first....

I am glad...again...that you are getting back in to therapy. May it help with the second half. Go for it Ipse.... fight for a better place.

Hi I.D.,

I completely relate to what you're saying. I've been nearly incapacitated for the past few days, overwhelmed by the totality of . . . everything. Thinking about the ginormous pink elephant in the room that we aren't supposed to mention (*I understand the reasoning, but it *does* add to the stigma*). Anyway, the only thing that helped me see straight was what you've described. I mean, who runs a 20K race only to drop out in the 15th mile? I realized this is a ****** way to look at things but the fact that we're aging, creeping toward death, is comforting. Who knows, maybe we'll find something that gives us pleasure.

I, too, am envious of those who've died. I think it's ironic or maybe just bad luck, that people who cling to life die, while others, who want to die, continue to suffer. I believe in reincarnation and don't want to come back as a tic or something. I also don't want to leave a horrible legacy. I think we're here to learn some kind of lessons and death is the ultimate reward.

This attitude may have a counterintuitive effect-that is, you feel the days slipping by, and may just be more carefree about things. Does that make sense?

Peace,
E

you are feeling that way...

((((((((((((ipse))))))))))))))))))))))

i feel sad you feel this way because i can relate. two of my most loved friends died of cancer (one was my stepdad) the other the most wonderful woman and friend you could wish to meet. they both loved life and were taken quite young. 3 weeks ago i wanted to die, tried, failed and glad i failed, because what a legacy to leave my children, family and friends, at the time i too felt envious of people who were dead or dying. afterwards i thought how selfish when so many people would give anything not to have a terminal illness. i know it's the depression making you have these thoughts. i just hope you find peace and help and learn to enjoy the rest of your life. i do believe in life after death, i think we are sent back to learn certain lessons in life, eventually when we have learned these lessons we go on to a higher level/plane whatever.

thinking of you, jinnyann

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SecretGarden said:

I am glad...again...that you are getting back in to therapy.

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just for the record...that isn't a certainty...i do plan to have at least one session (pending her responses to my questions....if she does respond at all or forgets i even gave them to her...which if that happens will be answering my questions but in another way...and they are/were necessary questions). but after that one session it might be that she can't help me anymore. or rather...she can help me but my "zeal" for the business of healing myself is going down the drain.

thanks for everyone else's supportive responses.

i sort of "logically" know my happiness that life is approaching a place where i can see the end is sort of sad...because of what is implies.

but i sort of don't care either...it truly does make me happy on some levels to see that i won't live forever. life feels like a prison. as soon as my brain was developed enough to be aware of a choice...the choice was: i never wanted to be here...and it seems "stupid" that the universe (or whatever) and general society puts a stigma on the desire to not be here.

it is truly that i'm here because i feel i "have to" be...not because i want to be. so i'm in prison...until the natural end of my existence, I suppose.

Can I just be totally irrelevant ...

Ipse Dixit ... is the cutest name ...

And yap i am 29 and like ... not young anymore?

And the older you get the more people you love you lose anyway ...

*sigh*

Ipse Dixit, defined by Webster and others, is: "an assertion made but not proved."

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Ipse_Dixit said:
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SecretGarden said:

I am glad...again...that you are getting back in to therapy.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

just for the record...that isn't a certainty...i do plan to have at least one session (pending her responses to my questions....if she does respond at all or forgets i even gave them to her...which if that happens will be answering my questions but in another way...and they are/were necessary questions). but after that one session it might be that she can't help me anymore. or rather...she can help me but my "zeal" for the business of healing myself is going down the drain.

thanks for everyone else's supportive responses.

i sort of "logically" know my happiness that life is approaching a place where i can see the end is sort of sad...because of what is implies.

but i sort of don't care either...it truly does make me happy on some levels to see that i won't live forever. life feels like a prison. as soon as my brain was developed enough to be aware of a choice...the choice was: i never wanted to be here...and it seems "stupid" that the universe (or whatever) and general society puts a stigma on the desire to not be here.

it is truly that i'm here because i feel i "have to" be...not because i want to be. so i'm in prison...until the natural end of my existence, I suppose.

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I understand all of the things you have written here.. It all makes sense... I really did not ask to be here.... but here I am. Let's see what I can do with it?

It sounds like you are putting an awful lot of pressure on your T and that you are PROJECTING your possibilities of success on her responses. You know that is not fair and that is like leaving it all to fate. There is more then one T in the world and also... you might need to advocate for yourself a bit more...

Give yourself a chance to succeed. You are worth it. Success can be scarey though... hard work. (Yes I can relate to this too.)

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she can help me but my "zeal" for the business of healing myself is going down the drain

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i don't think i'm putting pressure on my therapist.

what i think i'm doing is putting a light on how i feel about myself....and my success rate over the past 17 years in trying turn around how much I loath this life and myself...well...that success rate is bad.

so...from my perspective...i didn't think i was attempting to put all my reliance on my therapist. i know it is up to me to change....that is why i'm not sure therapy will work since my personal motivation is down the drain. if i'm not doing the work in therapy and my therapist (or any therapist) is doing all the work....well...that just isn't going to help.

so i know it is my fault for not getting better. i just don't have it in me to do my part....not anymore. 17+ years of trying to care about myself has not been fruitful results.

i think the only reason i have gone to therapy in the first place is because every believes it is required to want to be alive.

While I can <u>logically</u> see and <u>freely admit</u> that there might be a part of me worth saving, I can see two reasons why I can't be "saved" or "helped", based on my pattern over the past 17+ years:

1. my defensive system is so complicated and elaborate that I myself cannot get through it to get deep enough inside myself to reach the "me" that might be worth saving.

2. my act of pushing everything and everyone away always emerges - it is like a reflex, an involuntary response, as involuntary as a heart beat - so <u>all</u> will be pushed away.

so...there is no hope...

all the "logical truths" lay out there in front of me, right in view, but all my emotional defenses keep me locked in a glass prison. i can see them but they are out of reach.