[asiahdai]

I'm 35 years old, female. Married for 17 years have an 11 yr old son and I feel completely useless. I've always suffered from depression, as long as I remember. I've had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and/or possible bipolar. Never got a definitive answer on that last one. I'm on 150mg of zoloft (or the generic form) and xanax as need .5mg. I've been on this medication for over a year, and I thought I was doing good.

But I feel like I'm sliding down a hole I'm never going to be able climb out of. I work full time, 32 hours a week, I do a weekend shift. I also do transcription and survey stuff at home for extra cash. My husband is disabled (from mental problems also, anger/depression, ptsd) So I'm the sole cash earner, I mean, he does get social security, but...

I just want to be happy again. I get so irritated with everything. I've tried a medication increase, not helping yet. I would rather feel numb than like this. I have no friends. I mean I am slightly sociable and pleasant around my coworkers, but I wouldn't consider them friends. How do you make friends at this age, with so many problems. I feel so worthless.

My son is slightly autistic, which causes him to have problems handling emotions, especially getting upset. So this is extremely hard for me to see, and I have a hard time trying to be positive with him about this subject because I know how awful it is to be alone. All I have is my family. I want him to have more. But he suffers because of his parents, we're not social so that's hurting him. I don't know what to do. I feel so uncomfortable doing anything in public. I'm always afraid people are judging. It seems to get worse with age.

I'm not really looking for a solution, maybe just a rung to the ladder to pull myself out of the dark place, because every time it lasts longer and longer.

Em

[vital]

Originally Posted by asiahdai

I'm 35 years old, female. Married for 17 years have an 11 yr old son and I feel completely useless. I've always suffered from depression, as long as I remember. I've had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and/or possible bipolar. Never got a definitive answer on that last one. I'm on 150mg of zoloft (or the generic form) and xanax as need .5mg. I've been on this medication for over a year, and I thought I was doing good.

But I feel like I'm sliding down a hole I'm never going to be able climb out of. I work full time, 32 hours a week, I do a weekend shift. I also do transcription and survey stuff at home for extra cash. My husband is disabled (from mental problems also, anger/depression, ptsd) So I'm the sole cash earner, I mean, he does get social security, but...

I just want to be happy again. I get so irritated with everything. I've tried a medication increase, not helping yet. I would rather feel numb than like this. I have no friends. I mean I am slightly sociable and pleasant around my coworkers, but I wouldn't consider them friends. How do you make friends at this age, with so many problems. I feel so worthless.

My son is slightly autistic, which causes him to have problems handling emotions, especially getting upset. So this is extremely hard for me to see, and I have a hard time trying to be positive with him about this subject because I know how awful it is to be alone. All I have is my family. I want him to have more. But he suffers because of his parents, we're not social so that's hurting him. I don't know what to do. I feel so uncomfortable doing anything in public. I'm always afraid people are judging. It seems to get worse with age.

I'm not really looking for a solution, maybe just a rung to the ladder to pull myself out of the dark place, because every time it lasts longer and longer.

Em

Hi Em,

A lot of what you are writing is very familiar to me. My best collection of "ladder rungs" is here

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

and you might find these notes to be helpful:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

- vital

hello and welcome to PC.

i'm sure you'll find a lot of support and answers here. their are so many people who have (or are currently), experiencing depression.

i hope you will find this site to be useful

btw, i noticed you joined back in 2006. nice you came back to give us a go!

[waterknob1234]

Hello asiahdai. Don't beat yourself up to much. You are not useless or worthless. As I read your thread you are carrying an enormous responsibility. Not only are you the main provider, but caring for a husband with depression and ptsd, and a son with autism, I would say you have your hands full. Is there something special you can do for yourself to counter burnout? Love and best wishes.

[asiahdai]

thank you for the welcome