[AngstyLady]

I was never ambitious for anything really
no plan for life-
I always thought I'd figure things out.
Now I feel I've wasted many different avenues I could've pursued back then
Starting to be at the age where I better start having kids soon and then what?
I have too many regrets-
more of things I never did than what I did do-
never played an instrument (my mom didn't let me when I was young)
never pursued an extracurricular sport activity beyond middle school age

no nights of karaoke with friends
no nights reading and listening to poetry (a little bit by myself)
no horse riding
no publishing of my writing or pursuing that avenue
no pursuing a MA when I was younger and really going for a career I love because It was always too much time and money and now it's been ten years since college and I have nothing but regrets-
I never did a lot of things-
no friends
I didn't keep in touch/they didn't, whatever, I still feel bad.
I have a boyfriend who loves me
but I can't see a future (in general I never could)-
with him yes, maybe-
I just see everything falling apart when
he realizes how much I lack as a human being-
I'm so damaged
even as a child I never thought I'd live to see adulthood-
I couldn't fathom it

I was the precocious girl that always goes missing-
this goes along with my sense of luck- I probably just barely missed getting kidnapped and killed many times-
I did always like to go on long walks by myself ever since I was a young child . . .
and now my siblings are married and I'm an aunt and it's so weird.
I think my grip on reality is going.
I'm stuck in the early 2000's.
I feel like I stopped living a long time ago- for at least 7 years now I've felt more dead than alive- even when I'm happy.
I disconnect with reality all the time-
perhaps panic attacks?
I don't know- I think depression and anxiety (for me it goes hand in hand) really distorts your perspective of the world/distorts reality.
I'm having a good cry as I write this- hopefully I'll be better in a few hours for when I go to work.
I'm good at pretending I'm okay around others, for the most part.
I guess I should stop putting up a front-
letting others know what I'm going through can be a good way to connect- or they'll just think I'm a Debbie Downer . .. . some people who can't relate to being depressed tend to almost be offended when people try to talk to them about it . . .
maybe those people are just insensitive assholes and I shouldn't worry about them?
Probably. . . . but then again, nobody wants to make friends with someone who seems unstable- I'm normally not like this . .. I guess I've been having these 'episodes' in recent months,- feeling inadequate- the only person to blame is myself for all these regrets I have . . .. .

[jolie_12]

Wow, this is so me. I've literally thought all of these things, but never said them out loud until I read your post.

I have literally told myself I was a loser and worthless over and over and over until I believed it. And now, four years later I've made myself numb with all of the self deprecating thoughts that I feel lost trying to piece my life together.

I have been in therapy for a couple of months and it's helped tremendously. I also keep a word document of positive thoughts. Just any good thing that happens or reasons why people love me and I love them. When I get into a really low mood, I open it up. I read all the way through and it helps to calm those negative thoughts.

Sending you lots of hugs

[healingme4me]

I'm having one of those sitting here with you moments. Equine therapy is still a possibility, isn't it? That was what I thought about when you mentioned not having gone horseback riding.

[AngstyLady]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'm having one of those sitting here with you moments. Equine therapy is still a possibility, isn't it? That was what I thought about when you mentioned not having gone horseback riding.

Well, I only went horseback riding once, it would be nice to do it on a regular basis though and have my pwn stable r something,
I should really not post when I'm upset like that, what a stupid post.

[avlady]

i also thought i would never live to be over 22. i'm 54 now wondering when its going to end.

[healingme4me]

I found nothing stupid about your post. It was you, in the moment. We all have wistfully regrettable moments.

[Fuzzybear]

[regretful]

I know all about regrets...these are real feelings that you're having; and I'm well acquainted the twins known as anxiety and depression. I wish you well in your struggles.

[AngstyLady]

Yeah, I was having 'a moment' - it's not like I'm completely friendless- life is good- I think I need to watch my diet- certain stimulants: sugar) and even a little alcohol and spices really aggravate my anxiety- or I'm just undiagnosed bipolar, lol.

[Ruftin]

(((AngstyLady))) I'm glad you posted. I think many of us can relate to what you so eloquently put into words including myself. I'm in the dark pit right now and I'm relieved I'm not alone. I hope you're feeling better today!!!

[lostinwilderness]

I can identify with most of what you've said. I'm not much for words at the moment but please know that you are not alone in feeling like this.

((((((((((((((((((((((AngstyLady)))))))))))))))))

My best wishes.

[Ruftin]

I hope you're feeling better today.

[AngstyLady]

Originally Posted by Ruftin

I hope you're feeling better today.

I'm feeling a bit better, thanks. I'm not letting others negativity get to me.

[LostInTokyo]

Originally Posted by avlady

i also thought i would never live to be over 22. i'm 54 now wondering when its going to end.

I am turning 50 next month. I have been running away most of my life, too...so tired.

[mountainstream]

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

We are all wasting our lives away, it is the human condition. What do you expect?

[Ruftin]

No losers here. Only fighters!!!!!