[whoswho]

To anyone who reads or cares:

I think I'm reaching the end of my rope. Every day I wonder what I'm working towards and why. What do I hope to achieve?

I am so unlikable. I'm often told "fake it 'till you make it" but people sense my insecurity basically oozing out of my pores from miles away, like sharks sniffing blood in the ocean. No amount of jokes or fake smiles can hide the scent.

Maybe I'm smart. Sometimes I can write good papers. But still, I'm known as the idiot of the office, the "dumb blonde" always messing up, never to be taken seriously. Isn't it funny? Why aren't I laughing?

No one thinks I'm interesting because I'm not. What do I have to offer other than a fake smile, a weary sigh? Desperately hiding my own apprehension in the oh so obvious way which, ironically, only serves to draw more attention to myself, like a child trying to pass themselves off as an adult by wearing mommy's shoes. I'm so inauthentic that I don't even know where the lies stop and the truth begins.

I think about dying a lot. I've done all the treatments and cures and medications and therapies and hospital stays. I was so quiet back then. "People don't like you because you're too quiet," therapists would say. But the truth is actually much worse: it's because I'm so obviously fake, so hopelessly mundane, so frighteningly awkward, so pitifully human. Even I hate me, probably more than anyone else.

So, what am I working for? Why all the stress about grades and tests and future careers and interviews, when I've basically got 'FAILURE' stamped on my forehead? Every day it becomes more difficult to justify this to myself. Why not just disappear? Who would notice, really?

And why bother strangers on the internet and tell them about my hopeless cause? Am I so desperate to hear that someone, anyone, in the entire world could care about me that I'm willing to accept some stranger's sweet but rather meaningless words? Maybe I'm just an attention seeker, a performer on stage. I'm throwing a pity party and I'm throwing out the invitation to the entire world. I just hope someone comes.

[Squaw]

Originally Posted by whoswho

To anyone who reads or cares:

I think I'm reaching the end of my rope. Every day I wonder what I'm working towards and why. What do I hope to achieve?

I am so unlikable. I'm often told "fake it 'till you make it" but people sense my insecurity basically oozing out of my pores from miles away, like sharks sniffing blood in the ocean. No amount of jokes or fake smiles can hide the scent.

Maybe I'm smart. Sometimes I can write good papers. But still, I'm known as the idiot of the office, the "dumb blonde" always messing up, never to be taken seriously. Isn't it funny? Why aren't I laughing?

No one thinks I'm interesting because I'm not. What do I have to offer other than a fake smile, a weary sigh? Desperately hiding my own apprehension in the oh so obvious way which, ironically, only serves to draw more attention to myself, like a child trying to pass themselves off as an adult by wearing mommy's shoes. I'm so inauthentic that I don't even know where the lies stop and the truth begins.

I think about dying a lot. I've done all the treatments and cures and medications and therapies and hospital stays. I was so quiet back then. "People don't like you because you're too quiet," therapists would say. But the truth is actually much worse: it's because I'm so obviously fake, so hopelessly mundane, so frighteningly awkward, so pitifully human. Even I hate me, probably more than anyone else.

So, what am I working for? Why all the stress about grades and tests and future careers and interviews, when I've basically got 'FAILURE' stamped on my forehead? Every day it becomes more difficult to justify this to myself. Why not just disappear? Who would notice, really?

And why bother strangers on the internet and tell them about my hopeless cause? Am I so desperate to hear that someone, anyone, in the entire world could care about me that I'm willing to accept some stranger's sweet but rather meaningless words? Maybe I'm just an attention seeker, a performer on stage. I'm throwing a pity party and I'm throwing out the invitation to the entire world. I just hope someone comes.

I'm no one special, just someone who's interested in how to help you overcome your problems..maybe you read more into this than what others perceive of you..For what it's worth, I showed up. I am definitely a stranger but because I care, I stopped in to offer an ear...Be blessed whoswho..you are here for a reason.

[Yoda]

I am sorry you are feeling so down at the moment. Are you still on meds? Do you still see your T?

[whoswho]

Originally Posted by Squaw

I'm no one special, just someone who's interested in how to help you overcome your problems..maybe you read more into this than what others perceive of you..For what it's worth, I showed up. I am definitely a stranger but because I care, I stopped in to offer an ear...Be blessed whoswho..you are here for a reason.

Maybe I do read into things. I'm sure that most people don't notice me at all or don't care. There are a couple of things I know, that is, I'm the butt of every joke in my office, and I have had very few friends throughout my life. I'm so tired of being alone. I think I have no purpose and no one would miss me if I was gone. There would be no news story, no mourning friends and family, no one.

[whoswho]

Originally Posted by Yoda

I am sorry you are feeling so down at the moment. Are you still on meds? Do you still see your T?

No, I haven't taken meds in 3+ years. Not currently in T, although I saw a couple of campus counselors a year ago. Can't deal with meds and weight gain and I feel like I basically tried everything at some point with little success. Been in T on and off over the past 11 years or so. I have treatment resistant depression and a slew of other things too.

[cryingontheinside]

People at work can be very mean . I've felt the same response from people in my past jobs . I'm not working rn but I did find something that helped me . hypnotherapy . I only went once . I told the hypnotherapist how I was so nervous and unconfident and the but of everyone's jokes at work . they hypnotherapy worked amazingly . it changed how I felt...I was so much more relaxed about myself and about everything . it really did help me a lot

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[cryingontheinside]

Pm me anytime . 😊 thanks for sharing with us

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[josephpawlin]

Being blonde is never something to be ashamed of, and nobody has the right to make you feel inferior without your consent. Do NOT allow anybody else to tell you who you are or how you should act. If you want to be quiet, be quiet. If you want to be sad, be sad. Allow yourself some time during the day to just sit and veg out. Cry if you need to. Laugh when you want to.
Just let yourself have emotions, let yourself see the good in you, and you'll slowly start feeling better in time.
Pm me anytime, and we can talk.

[vital]

Originally Posted by whoswho

No, I haven't taken meds in 3+ years. Not currently in T, although I saw a couple of campus counselors a year ago. Can't deal with meds and weight gain and I feel like I basically tried everything at some point with little success. Been in T on and off over the past 11 years or so. I have treatment resistant depression and a slew of other things too.

Hi whoswho,

There's nothing like really understanding what's going on in your own head. You might want to see if this makes sense for you:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

There are lots of promising things you can do for depression outside of the standard "meds+therapy" plan. You can find some here:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

[Tauren]

Originally Posted by whoswho

To anyone who reads or cares:

Maybe I'm smart. Sometimes I can write good papers. But still, I'm known as the idiot of the office, the "dumb blonde" always messing up, never to be taken seriously. Isn't it funny? Why aren't I laughing?

"People don't like you because you're too quiet," therapists would say. But the truth is actually much worse: it's because I'm so obviously fake, so hopelessly mundane, so frighteningly awkward, so pitifully human. Even I hate me, probably more than anyone else.

Have you told the people in the office you don't like it when they laugh at you? If so, what did they say?

It's true people don't like fakeness, but people don't dislike you for being awkward, mundane, or human. In fact, look at all the threads by people complaining that everyone hates them because they're not "normal" enough. That's just your depression talking. People really don't judge you for those things. Well, okay, some people might, but those aren't the people you want as friends anyway.

Sorry I don't have any helpful suggestions, but I do care about what happens to you.

[waterknob1234]

Hi Whoswho. I am so sorry you are suffering like this. Depression is a beast. It amplifies the pain of dealing with jerks in a workplace. I used to have a boss who would berate me and make personal negative remarks to me. It was so hurtful. I always wished I could just shrug it off but I could not. Can you go back to the therapist? PM me anytime if you want to talk.

[whoswho]

Originally Posted by Tauren

Have you told the people in the office you don't like it when they laugh at you? If so, what did they say?

It's true people don't like fakeness, but people don't dislike you for being awkward, mundane, or human. In fact, look at all the threads by people complaining that everyone hates them because they're not "normal" enough. That's just your depression talking. People really don't judge you for those things. Well, okay, some people might, but those aren't the people you want as friends anyway.

Sorry I don't have any helpful suggestions, but I do care about what happens to you.

No, haven't told them that. My boss and coworkers are actually very nice. It's stupid because I set myself up to be made fun of constantly ("look how I spelled this word, I must be so dumb!") then become upset when they make fun of me later.

I don't know what it is, why people don't like me. Guess I'm just grasping at straws trying to explain it. If I knew, I could change it. But I am quite sure that people don't like me. That's all I've got to go on.

[whoswho]

Originally Posted by vital

Hi whoswho,

There's nothing like really understanding what's going on in your own head. You might want to see if this makes sense for you:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

There are lots of promising things you can do for depression outside of the standard "meds+therapy" plan. You can find some here:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

I appreciate that some people realize there is an alternative method out there. I've been doing something of an alternative method for a few years now. Although I can't say it's been particularly successful, it was better than how I was on meds (at least I could hold down a job).

[EllieGreene]

I am sad with you that life seems so meaningless. I am angry and disappointed in your workplace culture. That sounds like a horrible place to work. I can tell that despite what you're feeling right now about yourself that you do have some good qualities. You ARE smart and you are a good writer. Have you put yourself under a lot of pressure? Do you feel that you are letting yourself down? Since you like to write and you express yourself well...have you tried journaling?

Since it has been 3 years since talking to a therapist, maybe try again. There are seasons to our lives; you may now be able to enter a season of healing. That's my prayer for you: healing and acceptance of yourself where you are now as you move forward.

Take care of yourself!

[Tauren]

Originally Posted by whoswho

I appreciate that some people realize there is an alternative method out there. I've been doing something of an alternative method for a few years now. Although I can't say it's been particularly successful, it was better than how I was on meds (at least I could hold down a job).

Well, you do have a complete lack of confidence, and people aren't drawn to that.

Have you ever done any volunteer work? That really helps people build self-esteem.

[PixieRN]

Originally Posted by whoswho

To anyone who reads or cares:

I think I'm reaching the end of my rope. Every day I wonder what I'm working towards and why. What do I hope to achieve?

I am so unlikable. I'm often told "fake it 'till you make it" but people sense my insecurity basically oozing out of my pores from miles away, like sharks sniffing blood in the ocean. No amount of jokes or fake smiles can hide the scent.

Maybe I'm smart. Sometimes I can write good papers. But still, I'm known as the idiot of the office, the "dumb blonde" always messing up, never to be taken seriously. Isn't it funny? Why aren't I laughing?

No one thinks I'm interesting because I'm not. What do I have to offer other than a fake smile, a weary sigh? Desperately hiding my own apprehension in the oh so obvious way which, ironically, only serves to draw more attention to myself, like a child trying to pass themselves off as an adult by wearing mommy's shoes. I'm so inauthentic that I don't even know where the lies stop and the truth begins.

I think about dying a lot. I've done all the treatments and cures and medications and therapies and hospital stays. I was so quiet back then. "People don't like you because you're too quiet," therapists would say. But the truth is actually much worse: it's because I'm so obviously fake, so hopelessly mundane, so frighteningly awkward, so pitifully human. Even I hate me, probably more than anyone else.

So, what am I working for? Why all the stress about grades and tests and future careers and interviews, when I've basically got 'FAILURE' stamped on my forehead? Every day it becomes more difficult to justify this to myself. Why not just disappear? Who would notice, really?

And why bother strangers on the internet and tell them about my hopeless cause? Am I so desperate to hear that someone, anyone, in the entire world could care about me that I'm willing to accept some stranger's sweet but rather meaningless words? Maybe I'm just an attention seeker, a performer on stage. I'm throwing a pity party and I'm throwing out the invitation to the entire world. I just hope someone comes.

I feel like you are speaking the words in my head. I don't know how to fix it. My boss has told me if I don't find a way to be social and integrate with the team, that I will be fired. So if I want to keep my job, I have to find a way to completely fight my introverted nature and learn how to be social and chit chat with my coworkers.

I'm even on probation for it. And they may renew my probation for another 3 months in the next two weeks. All this to say, you are not alone. And I have no solution. For me, faking it until I make it is what I have to do daily. And it makes me feel sicker, have more anxiety, and hate myself more. I struggle frequently with the urge to just give up on this life.

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