[adam_k]

It is something I have struggled with my whole life. When I was little I thought it was just waking up and not feeling good. The desire to stay home from school and isolate. I think everyone gets that from time to time. The need to recharge. For me it was a couple days a week. I think after a while all of those feelings wore my dad down as much as it did me, as I ended up staying home "sick" around once a week from school. I don't think at that time I thought anything was wrong. After all how does a 3rd grader wrap his developing mind around mental illness? At that point everything is new. We are learning about the world, understanding and trying to fit in with this new found group of people called classmates.

I never fit in. Not that I was weird, but I always had a instinctual reaction to push people away and hide who I am and how I feel. I yearned for acceptance but it is hard to find that when your outside of the box. I didn't know why, after all I just thought it was me.

As my mind grew so did my age. Along with that so did depression. A young mind only has so much capacity to feel sorrow and the crushing weight of depression. When we are young we don't have a lot of responsibility. Not a lot of weight on our shoulder, well not for me anyway. With age comes new responsibility and new freedoms. With these responsibilities are personal choices of who we want to be. To some extent we are born with certain characteristics, but who we are is more than that. We are that plus a life time of experiences, choices, and life events that shape who we are. I believe I am a good person and in my teens I started to learn that there was another part of me. Sort of a tether. I am free to choice what I do, but then I notice yanks here or there. I believe I am walking done one path of my choosing but like a dog I don't understand the path. With every yank I readjust. Unlike the dog where the leash eventually goes away mine has not. I reflect back on my life and see how this leash of my mind has tugged on my course. Avoiding friendships, events, and basking in the endless fuel that is withdrawing from the world. That is the hard part, feeling alone. Yet I push myself there. I realize how hard interpersonal relationship are when you have this mysterious leash tugging on you. Most people don't understand. Withdrawing and isolating for a month or two is misunderstood from the other end. Being people we learn from our own experiences and observation. When someone pulls back on the other end they must not enjoy our company. With depression its more fuel for the fire. We withdraw, and lose those potentials friendships, friends, partners and some even spouses.

It takes a lot of determination from someone on the outside to want to dive inside our heads. I hide mine from the world. No one ever understood it, so why should I share? I pretend to be happy when i'd rather be hiding under the covers, avoiding the world. I find I have to push through those feelings and symptoms. The fatigue, lack of focus, numbed feelings, sorrow and hopelessness. I found love, the shear opposite of all that for me. A blissful feeling that makes life worth it. After a few failed relationships that taught me some life lessons. I met my wife. For me it was a blissful time in my life. New love, experiences and more freedom. After a while the majesty fades like anything else new. You realize you live life together. Your issues are hardly your issues even more. Even if you try to hide it, that leash tugs. I was open with my wife in the beginning. I didn't dive into the depths of my personal hell, but like the tip of an iceberg she knew that the water was not clear of obstacles.

It took 8 years for the leash to become a major source of strife between us. I didn't want to burden her. I'm selfless after all and everyone needs should come before my own. I can fix my problems because they are mine to fix. The trouble is you cant fix a thinking problem by thinking. As I struggled I found ways to cope. I worked full time, then I threw myself into school. Not just a walk through program, but I choose engineering. A great life choice that has served me well to solve problems, understand science and made me a marketable employee. Any great accomplishment also comes with sacrifice. This case was my relationship with my wife. I choose to cope with depression by throwing more than I could handle. I was always at a point where I was overwhelmed. I couldn't feel anything there. Not sorrow, it was like emotional Teflon. The emotional Teflon has its trade offs. It hard to give and receive love if your in a place where you can feel. By the end of my schooling things between us where distant. She said I felt like a room mate instead of a spouse. She looked to fill the void other ways, in her case online romances that made life fun and helped with the loneliness of spouse with a job and school schedule. Needless to say nothing stays a secret forever.

Had things been more than happened I doubt I could have fixed things. Through some counseling and work we learned how to talk to one another to convey all the deep down things you don't know how to express. My deep down things is the depression. It is a difficult thing to explain when you only have a vague understanding. Its not easy to let everything out of that box. All of those "I'm fine", I'm just tired" and "I'll be ok" moments. When I explained my world made more sense to her. I struggle with it at times. Its hard to put all of my issues out there. When you approach a bridge you can't tell your wife you'd rather jump off of it than drive over it. At the same time your problems are no longer yours.

This is where I am in my life. Trying to cope with depression, and manage it the best one can. Medications, therapy and trying to let other help me. I am fortunate to still have people in my life I haven't pushed away or that have not abandoned me. I tell my wife as much as I think she can handle. The rest I have a couple close friends I can confide in. Those friends who have the same struggles and who know what it is like to have to push through for those we love. I could have spent my whole life under the covers, but I had to pull on the leash hard enough to get where I wanted to go, instead of the leash pulling me down to where it wanted to go.

[Fuzzybear]

[Fizzyo]

Congratulations on all you have achieved, despite what you have been coping with for so long.
I admire the way you have kept up some key relationships and I wish you all the very best as you continue to live your life and try to find your way forward.