[amylou96]

Hello... My names Amy. I've been debating whether to post something on her for a while... I need some help. Well at least some people to speak to about things..
It's a long story so I apologise for the essay.
Since I was only young, around 13 maybe younger, I've always suffered from depression, I've always got upset over little things people said to me, I hated school. I was shy, and I was afraid of everything and everyone . And I didn't want to be there most of the time, so I self harmed a lot of the time.
I met a girl when I was around 12 who I became really close to, we were best friends , she got me through a lot of stuff. When I was 13 and she was 14 we started to have feelings for each other, we were inseparable throughout school, we basically just spent our life thinking about each other, it was just each other that mattered.. She got me through everything , I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for her . When we left school,at the age of 15 to 16 , (I'm from the uk) she wanted to go to college so I decided to go to the same one, I didn't want to leave her side. For a few months all was well, but I've always panicked over anything and everything And when it came to exams I couldn't do it, I dropped out. But Heather still came to see me every weekend, I didn't visit hers as much because she has family troubles and it was never the best time, then we just got in the routine of her visiting mine, so yeah she came to visit me, and for the rest of that year I dropped out I didn't do anything else, I couldn't get onto any other courses because it was too late. And she carried on going to college, our relationship was weird, we didn't like anyone else being involved , if you understand . It's hard to explain, we both told each other we didn't have other friends, we was both afraid to hurt one another I suppose , because we had always been best of friends, I guess we didn't want jealousy, we didn't want to risk falling out, it's stupid when I look back. But yeah, so anyway things were okay, so we thought , in around June 2013 she started acting a little strange, but everything was still okay, until one day she randomly sent me a text saying she just wanted to be friends, she thought of me as a sister , it wasn't going to Work. And well I didn't know what to do, she was still texting me and coming to see me , but I was in shock, after around 3 days she rang me up In hysterics telling me she needed me back, so I took her back. I couldn't live without her , my life had been miserable and I would do anything to have her back.
So anyway everything picked up, back to normal, I was also close with her parents, however my mum and sister didn't like her, they said they didn't trust her. My mum only found out I was gay around 3 years into the relationship, I was always scared to tell everyone, and even to think day even thought everyone knows I was with a girl no one really talks about it.
Anyway in September 2013 I decided I didn't want to stay at home, even though I was terrified of going out and doing something , so I decided instead of jumping straight into a job I'd go to college again, I decided to do floristry , I'd always fancied it, so I gave it a go, meanwhile Heather was In her second year of college elsewhere , the course gave me confidence , I didn't have any friends but I began to make them, I was afraid to tell Heather, as Heather always told me I was the only person she spoke to , we didn't have one another on Facebook or anything, it was sort of a strange relationship looking back.. Anyway I was 17 and almost old enough to drink so I starting going out drinking, spending time with friends, etc, Heather found out and got jealous, I'm not entirely sure out it started looking back, but she started to hit me. Little things I said that annoyed her she lost her temper, when she saw a picture of me wearing a dress she didn't like. Etc.. I felt horrible because I thought that it was my fault , that she was getting angry and I started distancing my friends.. But in late 2013 my friends showed me her Facebook that they had found , with pictures of her with a ton of other people, girls and Botha, wearing clothes more revealing than she had ever worn around me , I couldn't believe it because she looked like a different person, and obviously our relationship wasn't normal, I felt jealous, I rang her up , annoyed, she had met all my friends but she hid hers from me, she'd been lying to me about where she was going, telling me she was going seeing family when she went on a night out. I couldn't believe it and for a while our relationship really suffered ... I didn't trust her, she said the reason she had been hitting me was because she couldn't deal with the lies she was telling and she was taking it out on me ... It went through stages where she would get really angry and then sometimes she wouldn't hit me for weeks, meanwhile I was going through times where I felt suicidal, i self harmed on and off, when me and heather argued , I self harmed.
In mid 2014 she stopped talking to her friends or so she said, I don't really know , she lied about everything about what she liked, what she didn't like, I don't know, that's what it feels like. But the abuse was still going on here and there, it was getting rather bad, I used to end up curled up on the floor with her kicking me. I couldn't leave because I loved her too much to let go, I couldn't live without her. My friends were getting so worried about me, to the point where I was pushing Them away , i didn't want to risk splitting me and her up, I always chose her over my friends, i just needed her. I saw her on Saturday night every week, sometimes Friday , but it was rare. She always slept over at mine on Saturday nights , but other then that we didn't see one another during the week, we just texted. This had been the same since school, meanwhile she was living at home with her parents and with family stuff I couldn't stay over much so we didn't see each other much, the abuse got quite bad, my friends noticed that I wasn't myself and I had bruises on me. I met a boy named Alex in May of last year , we became good friends, he was a good friend of my best friend which was how I met him, I told him everything, about Heather, about the lies and the abuse, and well basically I think we both started to get feelings for each other,I had never thought I was gay when I was in school, I used to have feelings for another boy when I was around 12 to 13 before me and beta her got together , everybody thought be and him would end up married we was so close, but I don't know, then I started talking to Heather and I guess we just fell for each other, she brought on the initial kiss, but yeah..
Anyway I kissed him , and Heather found out, all hell broke loose, Alex cut contact with me because he couldn't deal with the abuse I was getting and he couldn't stand that I would never leave her, even though I said I would one day I couldn't, because I could not function without her. Whenever we argued I ended up in such a state that I would faint.
Anyway me and hostages carried on going out, she left college , I finished college for that year, she has cut contact with her friends and said she was being honest, I had pushed all of mine away. It was me and her and no one else again.... So we thought everything went perfectly , well everything was for a while. She started uni in September of last year and went to live with her nan , in a town a little away from me, which turned out to be better because we could. See one another more. Anyway things went really well....the abuse had more or less stopped,we was honest with each other, things were perfect.. I started talking to my friends on and off. I started the second year of my floristry course and stated talking to my friends again a little, I was always paranoid of her at uni , afraid she would lie to me again, I was so jealous she would find someone who she liked more than more than me, afraid of loosing her, sometimes I know I tried to control her, it's not right. And she was the same with me.. We was both the same.
Anyway in February of this year, she worked out that she had enough money to move out and live on her own, it came out of the blue, she hasn't talked about it before but she randomly mentioned it one day when I was at college, she said it would be better and we could live together, but she was planning on moving to a place that was over a half an hour drive to where I lived with my parents, the place where she was Living with her nan, but of course she was my whole world.. I Couldn't wait. I didn't tell my parents I was moving, but the day she moved I helped her, and I never went back home. I rang my mum up the next day and said I wasn't coming home, I was moving in with when, we was both 18. I had really bad anxiety, I couldn't get on trains , buses , I was afraid of getting a job, it had been like this for years anyway so it was all the same, she went out and got shopping, etc but we mostly just stayed in our flat together, it felt perfect , I stopped going to college, I dropped out as I was too far away.... And eventually she stopped going to uni. It was just me and her we got a little kitten on, which led to another, and we also got a puppy.. We were both animal lovers and I suppose we got carried away with freedoms of our own.. Basically the money trouble started , and she started having to work more and more, we argued about not seeing each other, she called me names for being afraid to work, we had been living there for around 3 to 4 months. And I by now was hardly going out, unlike when I first moved in, I went out with her a lot, but I suppose I felt like all I needed was her and my animals... I just kind of **** myself off, but all I needed was her. I wasn't seeing my friends now of speaking to them. The abuse wasn't really going on... Everything seemed perfect... The money troubles had always been a problem, but I sold all of my things to pay the rent etc and I thought we could manage it, anyway I'm skipping forward now to what happened...
August.. Two months ago, everything had been fine, as usual we was both really happy, looking after our animals and spending time togehehr, she acted a little
Weird on the 4th, she went to her nans at around 9 and only came back late , she looked upset like she had been crying and when I asked her why she said that she thought her nan might have cancer but it probably wouldn't be true, so I was upset but the night picked up and everything went to normal, the next day we woke up as normal, she had an interview somewhere to help up get more money which she didn't really want to go to and I didn think we needed it at the point but she went anyway, it felt like a normal day. Until I got a call from her saying that the cats and dog had to go because we didn't have enough money to
Keep them, she sounded frustrated and wasn't sounding the same anymore, and anyway I naturally was heartbroken, then she said that I should go home to my parents , I'd be happier there, she kept
Talking about me going home , over the phone. She came back, half an hour later, we had a big row, I said she couldn't throw us all away, we needed to sort things out, I didn't know what was happening , this day is the hardest and worst day I hope I ever have to face...
Basically she stormed out, (she did that a lot in arguments)
I was heartbroken, I was self harming, I thought she was going to leave me, I was so afraid of her leaving me, I didn't want to live without her, I could not live without her... But she didn't come back.. For hours.. And she had locked the door.... I was a state. I couldn't function. 3 hours later my parents came through the door, so did she , and her family. My parents picked me up , they helped me walk out, grabbed some things, took my puppy ( who is my everything ... She's my rock through all of this)
Heather was telling them to take the dog as well as me.. I asked Heather why she was doing this, she said get better. She was cold, I've never seen her look at me that way, and that was the last time I saw her, the 5th of August at around 2 ... My
Basically my parents took me home took me to my room and I just didn know what to do, that night I couldn't sleep , I wanted to kill myself , my mym
Told me she had me booked in to see the doctor first thing in the morning , she was really worried .
I was numb more than anything really . Then she called , Heather, she was hysterical, she told me to come back, she made a mistake , she needed me, she could t live without me, she said she couldn't live without me and she couldn't do
It anymore, but I said I would go to the doctors first thing in the morning then come straight to her.. She agreed ... And in the morning I went to the doctors , I told them about how I felt and they refereed me to other people for help, I text Heather telling her, all I got was a reply back saying good,... We can't live together anymore, it won't work the cats will go to a good home, get better and we will go from there, I'll speak to you in a few days.
She never did, basically I'm writing this now and I haven't heard anything from
Her, not one messages , nothing.. No matter how many times I've tried to reach out to her, I've talked about how we can work things out, asked to
Meet for a coffee asked if we could be friends.. Nothing.
Her family who all adored me, treated me like nothing and cut contact.
I feel like I've lost myself . For the two months I've been trying to keep busy , and stop thinking about everything.. I've tried to get on with things, gone to my counselling, started a uni course , well a pre degree course, applied to uni, applied for a ton of jobs.. Just tried to get myself on track... But I never stop thinking of her.. I found out she has a Facebook, she doesn't look like herself , she seems perfectly fine without me, she's going to uni, getting drunk and wearin practically nothing... She's so happy without me... Was I that bad to be with? She has blocked me so I can't see her on Facebook, but she unblocked me three days ago, I sent her a friend request and she blocked me again.
For some reason the past couple of days I've got to the point where it's unbearable not to speak to anyone, I've been kidding myself that she's going to want to be with me again, but she isn't and I don't know what to do, should I sent her one last message saying goodbye.. What is going on... I'm just feeling lost and confused ..
Thank you for reading this if you've made it to here.. I know it's a lot.. But I needed to write it..

Wow. Sounds like you've been through a lot! I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I think it is for the best that the relationship with Heather has come to an end. What you had was not a healthy relationship at all. Even if she stopped physically abusing you there was still the element of control throughout. And being completely dependent on someone else and shutting everyone else out is not good at all.

I hope the counselling helps. And with the pre degree course you should be able to find some new friends who will hopefully help to distract you a bit from her.

I know it is hard but you can get through this. If you think sending one last message to say goodbye will help bring some closure then I would go for it. I've done similar and it helps me move on.

[jman197]

Hi amylou. I'm glad your on pc. Its a great place to talk and get support from people who understand what your going thru. I myself have had a similar situation with one of my exes. He was also very controlling and was my whole life. I know people are going to say that its better off without your ex, just like people tell me. But with me I've been without him for two years, and if he asked me to take him back I would. I don't know if that's the way it is for you but if you need someone to talk to you can message me. I'm usually on at least once a day

[Fizzyo]

Hi Anylou,

That's a lot to got through for anyone! I'm so glad you're getting some help now. Psych Central is a good place to come for a chance to let off steam or just ask for support.
Hiddensecret is right, you have probably done the best thing and I really hope you find your own life and can build some healthy friendships and find some happiness in the future.
Keep up the good work and keep in touch.
I look forward to seeing more posts from you in the future.