[LittleEarthquakes]

Life is feeling so monotonous. There isn't much to do in my town and I basically sit at home everyday reading, listening to music, taking care of animals which I'm grateful for, and other things. I don't have any local friends and I haven't been able to make any due to severe social anxiety. I started drinking alcohol when I was 18 and it was the first time I ever felt my life going anywhere because finally, finally, after all these years, I could talk to people. I use it like it's medicine for social encounters but I can no longer get tipsy, I have to get very very drunk for it to take my anxiety away. I binge when I use it but I don't use alcohol everyday and sometimes I go weeks without. I have socially acceptable medicine, xanax, to use for college occasionally, etc.

I have applied for a couple jobs that I think I could maybe handle and it's true I'm limiting myself. While a cashier job would suck I should just agree to do that just for the sake of work but I find myself just fearing this sort of job too much to apply, so I've applied to a couple of different sort of jobs but haven't heard back.

I feel like life would be better and feel worth living if I traveled, which is something I passionately want to do one day, but I have a fear of flying and as I said no job. I feel there aren't many opportunities in my life and that they have to be dug for and sought for and that this is such a great effort.

Depression is sinking in harder than ever since losing my cat a couple weeks ago who I loved very much. Days run together, there does not seem to be enough time in the day, then it's night and I have to go to sleep again, and I have no energy during the day despite exercising and trying to get enough nutrition.

I've pretty much had depression since I was 13 years old but now, almost 21 years old, I'm ready to be capable of making my life go the way it does in my fantasies. I am not being lazy, I have put in a genuine effort for a while and for brief periods of time I felt okay but it never lasted. I realized therapy was not working for me, all the answers I need to get better are already inside my head. I am self aware, brave, and intelligent enough to know that the problem is not that I am not trying hard enough. I acknowledge that I have made some progress but it hasn't been enough. My therapist was simply giving me advice and correcting my negative feelings rather than letting me vent the negative feelings.

I am having heavy feelings that are due to genuine struggles that I have experienced for most of my life.

To put it simply I feel trapped by social anxiety and increasing boredom at my town and my condition limiting my ability to involve myself in the world and when I am involved in it, still rarely feeling that I am actually involved. I think about death often and feel that life is pointless and terrifying, because anyone I ever love can be taken from me by death (or them just leaving), although underneath this is a deep passion for life despite me feeling disconnected, depressed, and scared.

There are no simple answers, I know that. I guess I just want people to hear me out. I feel possessed by social anxiety and depression, they consume me. We are creatures of habit and change is hard because that often involves being uncomfortable, and this is especially true for me when my very nature, since I was three years old, as far back as my memories go, is to be uncomfortable around people.

There's always more I can do to help myself. I can always just try harder, spend the time that normally I want to vent working towards fighting this instead, but the feeling of being trapped is so intense and medication and therapy have not helped significantly.

If you read this, thank you. There isn't really a point to this thread other than wanting to be heard. If it's confusing anywhere sorry about that. I'm just jotting words down on the page as my thoughts flow and not editing much.

[healingme4me]

it's good to have a safe place to share. I hope you'll be able to achieve some of those goals.

[wa(o)rrior]

Dear friend

you mentioned your depression sinking harder when you lost your pet. i would urge you to get a new pet. i understand you want time to grieve for the old one but the new one actually make it easy for us. just imagine a tiny little kitten who looks into your eyes and all life problems melt away atleast for a few moments.

[i dont matter]

*hugs* of support

[LittleEarthquakes]

Thank you guys. I probably should have added a trigger icon to this thread.

[mulan]

Hello

For me it seams here that social anxiety is in fact your biggest problem. Is this true?
Any way, it is probably feeding your depressive feelings. So I think it be good for you to go to the root of your problem and get therapy for social anxiety. Have you ever tried?
The best therapy is cognitive behavioral therapy. The meds help to control it, but their not the solution.
I think if you could get some of this kind of treatment you would benefict greatly.

[LittleEarthquakes]

Hello

For me it seams here that social anxiety is in fact your biggest problem. Is this true?

Uh yeah, more or less. All of my problems are big problems.

Any way, it is probably feeding your depressive feelings. So I think it be good for you to go to the root of your problem and get therapy for social anxiety. Have you ever tried?

Just pointing it out, it says in my thread that I've tried therapy.

Yeah maybe I could start back CBT on my own time. I don't really need a therapist to practice the skills.

If anyone else has any input I'd really appreciate it Still depressed and social anxiety makes it really hard to leave my house. Making friends is very difficult. Still without a job and I withdrew from college. I'm 20 and I feel like a loser/failure.