[CommaDotSlash]

Hey everyone,

I suppose, apart from my introduction post, this is my first post here on PsychCentral, so my apologies if I don't do that good a job in explaining my...situation.

I've been dealing with major depressive disorder for the past two years, and I guess now would be a good time to explain how it started. My mother, sister and I moved to Canada 4 years ago, while my father stayed behind in our old country, to wrap things up in his workplace. He joined us 2 years ago, and I suppose that is one of the reasons for my depression to worsen substantially. I've never been particularly close with my parents, especially with my father. It mainly boils down to principles and past actions. When he came over, the rest of the family, especially my sister and I, had acclimatized to life in Canada, and our mindsets and principles had adapted accordingly. Him, being a controlling father, was not too pleased with this, and as you might expect, we had a lot of conflicts over matters like that. I suppose it helps if I mentioned that I'm from an orthodox and fairly sheltered Indian family.

Anyways, long story short, I was extremely eager to leave for university later in that year. I picked a university several hours away, so that I could live there in residence. I never really managed to connect with any people there, and thus, I found myself waking up at 5 in the evening, exhausted for no reason. I slept for 17-18 hours a day because my body was always tired and hurting. My grades plummeted, my social life (which was almost nonexistent anyways) blinked out of existence and I was at my worst. I hated the program I'd picked, and I'd grown to hate a lot of stuff at the time. My counselors suggested I get myself tested for learning disabilities and such, to make sure those weren't factors. That was when I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and I was asked to go for therapy and slash my course load by 25%.

It didn't help. I was still in a terrible state, dealing with a lot of confusion in my head. My purpose in life, my goals, the next steps I need to take to prevent myself from stagnating further, my sexuality, so on, so forth. It was at this time that I asked my family for help, and I feel like this wasn't a good step for me to take.

My parents took this plea for help as a signal for them to unconsciously tighten their controlling nature, and I guess I'm extremely conflicted about it all. I feel like I should do my best to get their approval and such, and yet, I don't. They set up appointments with doctors and such, and got me some antidepressants, as well as began to incessantly inquire about my health, on a daily basis. I didn't really like the emphasis they put on it.

Near the end of my first year at university, I decided to quit. I hated life there too much, and I felt like going back home would be a good idea. So, I packed up my bags and left. I had to deal with my father for a while, who took whatever opportunity he could to remind me that he was disappointed that his dreams of his son being a university graduate were ruined. I unconsciously began to guilt trip myself, further worsening my depression. Over the past five months I've stayed at home, I've enrolled at a local private college for video game design, and I am doing well there. I picked it so that I don't completely lose hope in my life, and succumb to the irrational suicidal and self harmful thoughts I have to combat with on a daily basis.

I guess the reason I'm sharing all of this is so that I have an affirmation of the stuff I've gone through over the past few years. I am currently extremely hopeless with regards to my future, in a situation of near complete financial dependency on my parents, due to which I can't leave this house, and in a household where my parents have openly said that we must obey. I don't even have the ability to find a way out of this place and visit my girlfriend who live in the States. I'm not in the condition to really find professional help, due to financial and emotional reasons and am unsure on what I can do to improve my life.

This college program ends in two years, after which I'll be spending a decade or two clearing my debts. That is all assuming I survive for the two years, in this hellish prison of mine. Any advice or help would be amazing and helpful beyond words!

[Fizzyo]

Hi,
It seems you had to make some difficult decisions, and probably chose one of the wiser options, you really have coped with a lot.
I'm impressed that you managed to get on the game design course, that shows strength of character, and I know a couple of people who have made a living using those skills.
With your wisdom and strength of character, the future need not be hopeless.

Hang on in there, I sincerely believe you're worth it.

[Fizzyo]

How are you now? I hope you're still getting on well with your course. ❤️

[CommaDotSlash]

Originally Posted by Fizzyo

How are you now? I hope you're still getting on well with your course. ❤️

Still fairly the same emotionally, but I'm working on quelling my demons. School's going well too. I've got a year and a half left

Thanks for asking, means a lot!

[Fizzyo]

Well done. Hang on in there and you will learn to live better with who you are. Great that your course is going well.

[CommaDotSlash]

Originally Posted by Fizzyo

Well done. Hang on in there and you will learn to live better with who you are. Great that your course is going well.

Thanks!

[SoupDragon]

You write really clearly. I can relate to those head battles. But well done for getting on your course and I hope it will bring you some freedom in time.