[jman197]

I've reached bottom once again, and again I don't know what to do. I can't talk to people, at least the ones I know. People just don't understand. I'm always depressed and the meds don't work, at least the legal ones. My friends don't know the extent of what I deal with and I can't tell them. The people I have told usually use me, or stab me in the back. Or they just say get over it or talk to your pdoc. Well I've tried and it doesn't work. I just don't know what to do. I can't go in because too many people are relying on me now. I can't just stop being around people cuz then they'll notice. I don't want to die, but I'm tired of the lies and the ******** that I deal with daily. I wish I had someone who understood me but I don't. Not since my ex boyfriend. I messed that up myself and now there's no going back. I've created my own hell on earth and I can't seem to escape and then I wonder if I even want to because I'm so used to the pain and the guilt. I mean I don't know how else to put it. I look in the mirror and say to myself, if they really knew they wouldn't be here, how could they care about a monster like me. I cause pain to everyone I know and then I wonder why my life is so bad. I can't deal with my issues by myself and nobody I trust can help me and if I do ask for help no one actually wants to help. I really just don't know anymore

I understand wanting to give up. I've felt like that many times myself. Don't know what kept me going. I'll hang in there if you do.

hi jman, i hear you. i know what it's like to feel completely alone in this life.

i would suggest you do something, perhaps get a hobby, something that promotes feelings of success in yourself. are you good at drawing? do you like writing? or even maybe read a good book. i recently started this book called "never knowing" by chevy stevens. i am not diagnosed with depression, i have schizoaffective disorder bi-polar type, but i can relate to the extreme lows. as you can tell i am suggesting you find a distraction, anything but focus on all the crap swirling around you. do you have any animals? you could take your dog for a walk, or chill with your cat. i find going for long walks and just taking in the nature, even if it's a city, just people watch, absorb your surroundings... try to think how their lives are going... sometimes i go out and people watch and make up conversations i think they're having just to make myself laugh.

you have to remember that even though it seems like you're always depressed, there has got to be something even for a brief moment that brings you some momentary happiness. try focusing on that! think about your future in a positive light! i know everything seems like crap, or everything is stupid, but you've got to pull yourself out of this funk. you'll find that your mind is strong, you can convince yourself of anything. learn to appreciate the small things in life, the warmth of the sun... a bird chirping, whatever.

hope this brought you some sort of comfort.

[Fuzzybear]

[emijec]

I've felt the way you have, this is my 2nd round of depression. have you tried to see if there are local non profits that hold workshops about depression or mindfulness? I took something like that and it gave me something to look forward to.

[waterknob1234]

Hi jman. I know how you feel. Depression is a mean illness. It makes you hate yourself, and it makes you feel so alone. You are right in that most people in the regular world just don't understand depression at all. They think you can just "pep talk" your way out of it and it just doesn't work that way. I do find that distractions help me. Writing here helps me too.

Love and best wishes.

[nowhere46]

Im right there with you jman. I have no answers. But my thoughts are with you and you can definitely pm me if you ever want to just vent it out.