Insert curse word here...

I'm not really sure what is going on these days. But the last couple of weeks have been heading in a downward spiral. I do tend to struggle in October but knowing that doesn't make this any easier.

A week or two ago I broke my 2 month run of no self harm. Now I'm doing it worse than ever. Literally trying to cut deeper each time. And not being able to stop even when I have managed that. I think I should be worried about this, but that isn't enough to stop me from pushing it further.

A few days ago I came very close to taking an OD. (Un)fortunately I couldn't find what I needed so yeah, I didn't. I didn't even think I was suicidal until that moment. How did it just go to that so suddenly?

Not really sure where to go from here. Think I will be heading to the minor injuries unit in the morning to sort out my arm.

How have I let myself get this bad so quickly? I feel like such a **** up. I can't do life

Hi hiddensecret. I am sorry things have been going downhill for you. Consider that you were doing good for a time and so you can have an improvement again. Can you pinpoint any one thing that caused life to improve? If so, that item, medicine, or activity could help again? Can you pinpoint what started the downward spiral specifically? Depression and mental pain is a hard thing to fight.

I understand how certain times of the year are harder than others. In the fall and winter the days get shorter and it gets colder. That can be hard for some folks, they call it seasonal affective disorder. I have worse depression in the summer. But I don't like hot weather. Where I live it can get so hot in the summer that you can't go outside unless you are going to get in water and go swimming. I think that is what triggers my depression to be worse in summer. Our good weather is in the fall and winter.

I am glad you could not find the necessary items for OD. That has preserved your life for now. Of course, you are doing good to recognize the need for help. Please get the needed help. You are a very good person and there is a purpose to your life. Stay safe.

hiddensecret

(((((((Hiddensecret)))))))

Did you go to the minor injuries unit?

Have you contacted the crisis team?

Stay safe, you are important to all of us here and to people irl.

Yeah went to minor injuries this morning so all patched up... The nurse was nice about it which was good and she checked to make sure I was under the mental health team and reminded me who to call should I need to..

I've been avoiding the crisis team to be honest, or trying to at least. My friend was pushing me a week ago but I just didn't see the point. This doesn't feel like a crisis to me. She keeps saying it is but I just don't see it. In the end she called them on Friday and got them to call me, I kind of just brushed the whole thing off, said I was fine and that my friend was making a big deal out of nothing. And then a couple of hours later I was hunting for pills. When I was on the phone to them though I genuinely believed I was ok and safe and I have no idea how it snapped so suddenly.

This same friend has been going on at me this evening for me to call them. She was literally pleading with me telling me that I'm in a crisis and need help. She doesn't even know about the cutting last night. Why don't I see this as a crisis but she does? I don't understand. Eventually she wore me down and I have agreed to go to hers tomorrow and she will call them for me.

Is this a crisis? Am I just being blind to what's actually going on? I really can't see it. I know I keep repeating myself but my head is kind of stuck on it.

I like how they use the word "cuss" for all the cussing on the movie "Fantastic Mr. Fox"

It is a crisis, especially as you seem so detached from the feelings that are driving you to want to harm yourself. I know the crisis team can be a mixed experience but they are there as a service to help you and you should use them. In the meantime try not to spend time alone and do whatever it takes to keep distracted.

Hey, how are you doing? Did you sleep?

I slept, it was very broken and lots of strange dreams but I did at least sleep. Woke up feeling not too bad but my mood is suddenly headed downwards again. On my way to my friend's place now...

Take care of yourself.