[falseeuphoria]

For 5 months now, my father has left me and my mother in search for "work" in the Philippines, since he was released from his job in Australia in 2013. Despite this being the purpose of his trip, my father still has no work, and rarely contacts us, either through phone or email. He even KNOWS my email and our house number. Yet, he never seems to call at all, or seems the least bit concerned about me or my mother. This isn't the first time my father has done this. He's done it multiple times throughout my childhood, but I was too young to understand much at such a young age. I mostly stayed with my mother for the majority of my life. This time, it really seems like my father is not going to return. In fact, I believe that my father planned everything before escaping back to his home country instead of "searching for work" there, probably he can't handle the stress given off by my dismal mother.

Me and mother are left here in Thailand, with no income for over 2 years now. We're running out of money soon, and we're not even sure if the money left from my mother's life's savings would be enough to finish my High School education. My mother has turned herself into a very miserable person because of this. She budgets everything to make sure I get to finish my education, which I truly appreciate. She never acknowledges this though, and says that I lack respect and gratefulness for what she does. Although her act is good, she really is miserable. She doesn't go out of the house unless if its for groceries, and doesn't talk to anyone else, even her family (her family has unreasonable hatred towards her). I can understand why she's getting depressed, being home all the time and all that, but every time I try encourage her, she just pushes me away and says "easy for you to say!". I've tried everything to cheer her up, but alas, she always slips back into her pessimistic self.

I really try to understand my mother because of the situation, but I have feelings too. She always claims that my feelings are nothing compared to hers. It has gone so bad that even I think I'm getting depression because she keeps dumping her emotions on me. When I go to school, I get to relieve my sadness, but I become supremely reluctant to come home, since I know I will feel depressed around her. My "home" feels like an emotional jail. My mother gets really angry at me making the simplest mistakes too, which really hurts me. She even threatens to send me to live with my father in the Philippines, but honestly, that will be the death of me. I always try to be the best of my behavior around her, but I keep slipping up, making her even more mad towards me. Plus, due to all the hurtful things my mother says to me, it has even given me suicidal thoughts. The sad thing is, she doesn't even know that I'm secretly transgender (MtF) either... I know she would never accept me because she has expressed extreme dislike towards LGBT people. I've came out to couple trusted friends to have a pillar of support whenever I feel sad and all, but even they can't help when I'm confined in the tight atmosphere of my home.

So now, I literally have 3 major problems: Extreme depression from home, stress from school, and my gender dysphoria.

What should do...? All this emotional pain in my life is killing me day by day, and I really don't know how much longer I can stand in this hellhole anymore!

Hi,

I am really sorry that you're going through such tough times.

I really wish I could write something worth reading, but even though I've been through more or less the same with my own mother and I could tell you my story, I don't see how it would help you anyway...

However, I've got one of these just for you:

You're carrying so much on your own and I think you're doing great! It may not look like it, but things will improve, just keep pushing through it!

Falseeuphoria, First of all your mother has no support system but you so she is dumping on you to keep her sanity. She needs a friend as much as you do. Being in school is helpful to you so make the most of it while you are there. You will find a balance between school and home. As far as your gender question, don't try to figure it out. Just be your own person for now. I was born both a boy and girl. My mother made me into a girl which was the wrong thing for me. Now I still am part male and female. I go by a girl but that is what I was raised as. It is no big deal if you are comfortable with yourself. You must be very careful about LGBT because most cultures just as soon jail you or kill you for it. Just make some really good friends you can be close to and confide in and that will give you a much needed acceptance right now in your life. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone, it is none of their business. The less people know about your sexuality, the better off you are. Your mom in time will learn to deal with the stress she is under. Her stress should not be yours so don't feel responsible or blame yourself for her actions. She is unhappy so no matter what you do she will tend to find fault with it. remember no one can give you what they do not have to give. Focus in school the studies you will need to take to give you a better chance in the working world. And keep coming back here to PC, post and share. It helps for we all encourage one another. Blessings.

[Fizzyo]

❤️

[Fuzzybear]