[le-fantome]

Hello everyone. I have had severe OCD since I was a child. I was diagnosed and began meds at 14 yrs old. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at age 22, along with some things that sometimes come with BPD territory(such as bulimia and agoraphobia).

I'm not completely new to depression, but my current episode of depression is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I experienced situational depression when my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and passed away; when my horse died, and when I went through a divorce. I have also had winter depression since moving to New York state.

This is the first time I have experienced depression for "no reason" at all. No major life events. No recent traumas. Truly chemical depression. It began in early September, long before my seasonal depression begins. This also feels incredibly different. I don't feel like myself at all. I feel like a shell. On my worst days I am anhedonic, apathetic, either completely numb or absolutely panic-stricken, unloving, distant, cold, disconnected from my loved ones, extremely suicidal, and unable to eat or sleep. Before I was depressed I was extremely loving, dedicated, passionate, motivated, adventurous, empathetic, and caring. I hate how much this depression has changed me.

I have been on SSRIs and clonazepam for several years now for my OCD. I began Buproprion/Wellbutrin SR 100mg in October. After a few days, I went from feeling numb to being able to feel sad and cry. After the first week, I laughed for the first time since late August. Slowly, I saw improvements every week. I laughed more, I cried more; I eventually felt more connected to my loved ones, and my sense of compassion and empathy returned.

Everything was improving until I participated in a clinical trial using a ketamine infusion to treat severe depression with suicidal thoughts. The ketamine infusion improved my mood and took away all of my suicidal thoughts for the first two hours. After that, it went completely down hill. I woke up in the morning feeling worse than before. I was back to apathetic, anhedonic, and alternating between feeling numb or having panic attacks. It has been one week since the ketamine infusion. I still don't feel like myself. My OCD is also worse.

I am worried that the ketamine permanently reversed every good thing the wellbutrin had done for me. But I don't know if that's a rational thought. Positive effects of ketamine can last up to a few weeks. Is it reasonable to think that the negative effects could also wear off? I am desperately in need of some kind of hope, support, or reassurance. Thanks to anyone who listened.

[lowinmood]

I guess only the people doing the trail could answer your questions, I have no idea about katamine, I thought it was a horse tranquilliser, the problem with drugs such as katamine, it can give you a high whilst your on it, but after it wears off you are worse than before you took it.

I have experienced taking katamine before, but not used in a clinical trial, this was illegal drug use when I was a lot younger, anyway, it made me feel really low after taking it, but gradually it wears off and you become yourself again.

[Daphnelover]

Ketamine is a dissociative drug. I'm an LVT and I hate what it does to animals. IT completely flips them out. I would hope that this is a temporary thing, though. Maybe once your body has fully metabolized it, you will start to feel more "normal". I agree with lowinmood. Can you ask the folks who are doing the trial?

[lowinmood]

I'm sure it's temporary - it probably took away some of your serotonin levels or dopamine levels, something like that. But they will be replaced eventually.

[Olanza-what?]

Wow, you've been through a lot. I hope this issue is resolved for you soon. I hate to think of anyone going through all of this. Have you talked with your doctor? If not, you may want to give them a call and let them know what is going on.

I wish you the best and hope things get back to normal real soon. The folks here are great people and I hope someone who has taken this drug will see your post and respond to it. You may want to start a new post inquiring if anyone else has done this test study of "Ketamine". There is a forum call "Psychiatric Medications", perhaps you could ask the questions (start a thread) there?

Just know You have my/our support and please keep us posted with your progress.