[SufferingHumanBeing]

Hello, I'm new here & I can't just unload a wall of negatively, when I do have some good things going for me. I dont expect anyone to read all of this or to feel sorry for me, i know everyone here is experiencing similar things, I just need to get it out on text. Thank you if you do read it but I understand if you dont. First the positives:1: I am employed & "like" my job as a coffee roaster. 2: I have been sober for nearly one year after a 20+ year long addiction to alcohol. I also was a heavy drug user for most of those 20+ years. After beating alcohol tho, I went on to a year & a half heroin addiction. The last time I used was December of last year. 3: I love my cat 4: I have 2 children, a 15 year old daughter & a 7 year old boy, that are my reasons for living. 5: I go to therapy weekly & have been seeing my therapist for 3 years. They've helped me immensely. 5: I am sober
So, I've been dealing with depression for most of my life. Ive been diagnosed w MDD, SAD, GAD w OCD tendencies. I had a ****** childhood w physical, verbal, & emotional abuse from my father. I have abandonment issues. My mother died 2 years ago from ovarian cancer & my father is in poor health, negative, senile, bound to a wheelchair. I expect him to die soon & have come to terms w our horrible relationship.
I've been divorced for about a year & a half after a 14 year long marriage. I'm working very hard to "get over" her but I am still in love w my exwife. She is an amazing mom to our children. I destroyed my marriage w drug & alcohol abuse & I am haunted, tormented over the guilt & regret I feel for losing the love of my life. Too late. As said, I am finally sober & barely even have to fight the urges or cravings. I'm done. The anguish & hurt my addictions have caused are enough to sink a ship. I live alone w my cat. I usually get my kids one night on the weekends. Not even close to enough. I have no sober friends. They are all still drunk, high & I barely have any contact w them. My best friend is in the Medical Marijuana business & I still care for him alot but alot of our relationship was based on drugs, unfortunately . But I can't be around him not bc of the drug use but bc I'm so depressed. Really, that's all I've come to say I guess. Winter is the hardest for me & the holidays ruin me. I am alone. Isolated. Lonely.I think about suicide constantly but do not want to hurt or abandon my kids. Along w depression I of coarse have anxiety & OCD. I currently don't take any medications bc I usually can't get past the side FX. I've tried probably 8 SSRI's. I get adverse reactions, insomnia, stimulated, wired, dry mouth, jaw clenching, no appetite,*more*suicidal ideation, cravings for alcohol/drugs, etc. After 10 days or 2 weeks I stop.
As soon as the first snow hit this year yesterday, I thought, "that's it, I'm done, time to die". The thing is, I really don't! I want to be healthy, happy, I want to find someone to share my life w again now that I'm sober. It's the most messed up paradox. I really hope I can make it bc I love my kids. I want to beat this but it's beating me. I want to be on medication but I've given up. I want, I want , I want..4 more months of winter & I dont know if everyday is like these last two, I'm in trouble. Anyways, hello, goodbye & peace & hope to everyone.
I did look for a "trigger" icon but didn't see one.

hi,

welcome to the forum.

i'm sorry you've had it so rough.. no one deserves that kind of childhood

winter, and especially holidays (for me christmas), can be so difficult to deal with

hope you continue posting for support

welcome again

[blessedlonergrl]

Welcome, I'm sorry to hear about the childhood experiences, that is so sad... please keep being strong for your kids, show them by example that no matter how bad they feel they should never give up... things will get better just don't give up hope my friend.

[SufferingHumanBeing]

Thank you both for your replies.
Please, don't focus on my childhood, I tried not you, just mentioned for background & bc of the obvious influence it had on my later problems. You are correct tho, children deserve nothing but love.
It's also why I tried to start w positively. I'm successfully (& brutally) working through many issues in therapy. Thank you for the welcome! Matthias ( my real username)