[boredporcupine]

*TW for mention of suicidal thoughts*

So, I have been in therapy for four years now. I think it's helped me a lot in terms of my relationships and being kinder and less judgmental towards myself. However, I still have recurring issues which haven't really gone away. I have never been diagnosed with depression and my therapist doesn't seem to think I have it. But I still don't have another explanation for some of what I deal with.

I don't think I would appear depressed to my therapist or to most people because I usually do fine as long as I'm in a social situation or I'm occupied with doing something. It gets much worse whenever I have a lot of unstructured time, like when I am on break for school. It's also worse in the winter, in summer when it's way too hot, and in the evening after it gets dark.

I started doing a mood log because I felt like my therapist was only seeing my happy side, and when I showed it to her, I had logged twice as many "negative" as "positive" mood days. It was even a little biased toward the positive since I logged in the early evening and my mood would worsen after that. But my therapist was like "well for some people one bad thing happening in a day will make them think the whole day was bad." She's usually not that clueless so it was weird for her to say that. It's not that anything bad happens, it's just that I'm fine when I'm out doing stuff and then suddenly when I'm alone I start feeling bad and thinking dark thoughts.

I've had episodes of this ever since I was a teenager. I always manage to function in spite of it but it's certainly not fun. My main symptom seems to be that I have an existential crisis because everything feels totally meaningless. I get to where I have little motivation to do things (although I usually force myself to anyway since I know it helps) and sometimes I'm so utterly bored with everything it almost hurts. I also get where I feel inexplicably sad or cry for no reason or I just crawl into bed and stare at the ceiling. Sometimes I feel tired or heavy or I oversleep but it's not a ton, maybe I sleep ten hours a night for a while. Sometimes I think about suicide or wanting to be dead, and there are times when I think about that every day for a week or more on end. I have never attempted but I've gotten as far as trying to figure out how I would do it.

I'm familiar with the diagnostic criteria for depression and I don't know that I meet them because it's not true that I feel sad or depressed most of the day on most days, since if I'm working or in class or whatever I will feel fine for that part of the day. I would say that when I'm dealing with this, I just feel depressed during most of the day that I'm *not* preoccupied with activities where I'm outside or dealing with people.

I am considering getting an opinion from a different therapist but the expense is a little daunting at the moment. Opinions are welcome, I appreciate it.

[Caretaker Leo]

I was diagnosed with depression many years ago and can relate to many of the feelings and thoughts you wrote here. In order to rule out other possible medical issues, I saw my regular doctor first. I will suggest you start there.

[Fizzyo]

I can relate to a lot of what you say. I find on my better days I can feel good when I'm busy and then it feels like my negative emotions wait till I pause and then come in like a 20 ton truck.

Kudos to you for making yourself do all those constructive things which do help you feel more yourself for a while!

I don't know your age, but if someone lives with mental health problems in adolescence, it can affect how the personality develops, so we may feel all our emotions, the good and bad ones more vividly. (Has advantages and disadvantages) advantage being that maybe your activities you enjoy give more pleasure than another person with low mood would feel, and also, young people may learn how to appear well more effectively than an adult experiencing problems for the first time. (These are my theories, no more than that).

Your therapist clearly doesn't see eye to eye with you on this, but if she has helped overall, then she's probably okay.

There may not be an obvious reason for how you feel, there often isn't for me. (I often ask myself, do I need a reason for what I feel)?
I'm told some of my symptoms are down to how my personality developed living with depression as a teenager.
What I hang on to is that 'this too will pass' (how I feel now will change in a few hours or so), not easy when having self destructive thoughts, but it frequently does.

I don't want to suggest you get too introspective, but would noting your mood on a scale of 0 to 5 every couple of hours for a couple of days would show if your mood changes with what happens in the day. It won't change anything, but this fluctuation is normal for anyone, but can be more intense for some people. If you then record your mood for the day as normal at your usual time, it could let you see how the two charts relate. (Just an idea, and not a good idea long term as it could become an obsession but maybe?)? .....

A therapy group programme I have been going to has shown me that even when emotional intensity is strong, I don't need to be afraid of it. It is a symptom of the way I am, but not necessarily a sign of more problems. I compare it to someone, maybe with cerebral palsy (a developmental problem that affects movement. A person may have a stiff arm and leg. It's a difficulty they have to cope with and it makes daily life more difficult, but it's how they are made and it doesn't stop them being generally healthy and able to have their particular role and abilities in the world.

My symptoms may not be visible, but they affect my daily life, and may be in part due to my teenage development, but I can learn to manage them to become who I am in life.

I don't know if this makes any kind of sense to you, if not, no worries.
If some of it helps, I'm glad.

Best wishes for your future. ❤️

[Fizzyo]

How are you now?