[Humpty Dumpty]

I am really struggling and don't know what to do. Every day my suicide thoughts get worse. Today it has been close to the point of where it was constantly on my mind. I have thought of a number of ways to kill myself and think I have decided on one. It is just I am not 100% certain that's what I want to do. I do know that I no longer want to live. So if I died, through no direct fault of my own, on my way home tonight that wouldn't be a bad thing.

Do not tell me to goto an ER or a mental hospital until I feel safe. I haven't felt safe in a long time. A hospital of any kind won't keep me safe. I have thought of 3 ways to kill myself inside a mental hospital. So I am no safer there than I am on the outside.

The one thing that helps me more than anything else is regularity. Going into work everyday and doing my job making money, doing the choirs around the house. When I can't do this I feel worthless & it just makes things so much worse.

[Fuzzybear]

[gayleggg]

I'm glad you have a couple of things in your life that give you purpose.

I know it sounds rather trite but maybe you could take up a hobby to fill some of your time or volunteer. Both can add joy to your life.

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Humpty Dumpty, a friend of a long time ago went through a horrible ordeal. They went around the house and said The Our Father Prayer, and it helped them. When i dont always know what to do next and life is out of control, i pray. It helps. tc

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I know it sounds rather trite but maybe you could take up a hobby to fill some of your time or volunteer. Both can add joy to your life.

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The problem is it takes almost all my energy just to goto work. By the time the weekend gets here I have nothing left and I force myself to goto church on Sunday afternoon which completely wipes me out. So volunteerin is not a good option.

[DesNagol]

Originally Posted by Humpty Dumpty

I am really struggling and don't know what to do. Every day my suicide thoughts get worse. Today it has been close to the point of where it was constantly on my mind. I have thought of a number of ways to kill myself and think I have decided on one. It is just I am not 100% certain that's what I want to do. I do know that I no longer want to live. So if I died, through no direct fault of my own, on my way home tonight that wouldn't be a bad thing.

Do not tell me to goto an ER or a mental hospital until I feel safe. I haven't felt safe in a long time. A hospital of any kind won't keep me safe. I have thought of 3 ways to kill myself inside a mental hospital. So I am no safer there than I am on the outside.

The one thing that helps me more than anything else is regularity. Going into work everyday and doing my job making money, doing the choirs around the house. When I can't do this I feel worthless & it just makes things so much worse.

Sounds like meaning helps you. Perhaps try volunteering to fill in the voids that leave you unsettled, while I wouldn't consider it a fix at all, it might help until you're able to better come to terms with your emotions and self-evaluation. Sometimes in the darkest nights, we see so little light, we wonder what's the point.