[chocolatecookie3]

I already posted something in the general Q&A, but I though this might be a more appropriate place. It's quite hard to explain and I don't really know where to start, but I'll give it a go. Sorry if it's a bit long.

So for this entire semester I've been unable to concentrate on studying and my school work. In fact, I hardly got anything done even though during previous years I had no problem at all. I also have hirsutism, which really brings me down and has quite the effect on my self-esteem. Plenty of tears have been shed over this.
The past few days I've been feeling really weird, like I still can't concentrate but I feel sort of empty as well. I do want to study, but a part of my brain doesn't seem to care or realize the consequences of not studying. I also can't stress over exams anymore. I've taken online depression tests and they always ended up saying something along the lines of mild/moderate depression, it's best if you find a professional. But I also know that it's just an online test and doesn't diagnose. They also often ask about your feelings during the last week or few weeks, which I find really hard to remember anyways.
I'm scared that I might be having or getting a depression, but on the other hand I also think to myself "what if I'm making this all up in my head and I just became a lazy procrastinator who doesn't want to study...". Because I feel like reading symptoms online sort of makes you more inclined to think you have them, even though I can recognize myself in some people's stories. I should probably go to a doctor or something, but I don't want to make a fool out of myself if nothing is going on or if it's just in my head and I'm subconsciously using it as an excuse for procrastinating.

Honestly this reminds me of when I had my major depressive episode in college. I stayed up later and later trying to get myself to work on homework and study and slowly I realized that I didn't care at all. That nothing seemed to affect me. I stopped going to classes from guilt and stayed up until 8am trying to force myself to do things. Then I would give up and go to sleep. Of course, I would end up sleeping through my classes and so it was an incredibly vicious cycle.

I would definitely recommend going to see a professional. A lot of the basic symptoms, as I'm sure you read, are emotional withdrawn/empty feeling, sleep pattern change, eat pattern change, etc etc. I missed an entire week of classes before I dragged myself into the health center. But yeah, school depression is pretty common and something that is good to get analyzed and on the right track and FYI, even if you don't have enough symptoms for a major depressive episode (it's literally a checkbox system) your emotions are not invalid and what you're feeling is still relevant. Seek help and try to find things that bring you joy!

Best of luck! My message box is always open

[chocolatecookie3]

Yes! I recognize just about everything you just said about staying up late! I still go to all my classes (I think I just stayed home 1 time), but I always say to myself: tonight I'm going to get stuff done. And every night I have the hardest time getting started. I'm on the internet for a while after I get home just relaxing from classes and then I try to start studying. But when I open my books I lose all concentration after 15 or 30 minutes And then I'm back to mindlessly browsing the internet trying not to think about everything else. And before I know it, it's 6 a.m. and I have 2 hours of sleep before I need to get up again...It makes me feel guilty and bad but I just can't break the cycle. Everything I need to do for school seems like a mountain of work. A few weeks ago I didn't even feel like taking the effort to cook or even just get take out so I just ate 2 apples that night. Last week even going to the store just a street away to buy printing paper felt like should I really go all the way over there... It sucks.
I hope I can build the courage to go to the school counselor after the break, but it just really sucks right now because I need to study and I can't find the motivation or energy.

Good on you for recognizing it! Nothing like the present to go seek help lol. And good luck with the counselor! I actually had to sit outside my school's health center 3 days in a row before finally being able to walk in an make an appointment lol.

But yeah! Please do your best to be gentler with yourself. My sleep and eating habits cumulated into passing out at 3am in the communal showers which... Obviously was not a good thing lol. Often times if I know I can't work on anything, I'll go grocery shopping or cook as therapy since it makes me feel productive and food is yummy. That way you don't feel like you've wasted the whole day. Try to do it between or right after classes so that you don't go home and become one with your bed (I'm guilty of that all the time lol).

Good luck

[chocolatecookie3]

That really sucks that you had to wait that long to be seen And you're right, I probably should find something to keep me more busy, because I stay in bed or on the couch all day as well. I used to go jogging almost every day in August and September, I was really set on getting fit. But at one point I didn't feel like it anymore. Thanks for your response by the way.