[Unsomniac]

Looks like the National Suicide Prevention number is busy once again.

Life has shown me some of it's greatest positives, as well as it's greatest nightmares.

Unfortunately, the nightmares have become too real.

Growing up, I've always had this view of life... That we suffer because it is our mission to learn...
To learn what it truly means to be human, and to learn what it takes to overcome pain that we could have never imagined.

Personally, one of the greatest pains is to fail... To have a dream that you were never able to fulfill.

I no longer have the desire to chase anymore dreams. I believe I have messed up enough more than any homosapien could have ever done. I think it is too late for help. I don't even know what "help" is.

Although I understand I am young. 18 years. I no longer have any motives. Nothing interests me anymore as much as they used to.

I've tried so hard, and no amount of words could do any justice to explain how much I've tried.

I have never contemplated suicide until recently, which really scares me. It scares me because I have been depressed before... I have even considered suicide before... But never have I considered suicide in a serious manner like I have done recently. It scares me because now, I know that if I am in the wrong state of mind (which can be triggered easily), I would do it. Never would I hurt my friends or family by ending my own life, but it has grown to the point that I no longer care.

I no longer care who loves me.

I no longer care what purpose is there for me to fulfill.

I no longer care which dreams there are for me to chase.

I simply no longer care.

People tell me that life gets better... but honestly, I don't want to see it. Even if life presents me to most astounding of it's beauties... I simply just don't want to see it.

Why? I don't know,

That is really all I could respond with. I. Don't. Know.

Relationships are meaningless to me now... even though I would never hurt anyone physically or emotionally.

Friendships could only last so long. Eventually they will end.

Family could only handle so much... Telling them everything you feel would only add more weight to their lives.

And that is why my mind is complete chaos.

I am not expecting much from this post, although I am curious on your take of it.

Thank you so much.

[12AM]

Giving up is never an option, never. When we have no one to rely on, we still have our self to rely on. You are a strong person to be able to survive until this point, why give up now? When you no longer care what purpose is there for you to fulfill, then find that purpose. When you failed on the way to your dream and your dream is no longer possible to reach, then find a new dream. Hang in there please. I know that now you don’t care about anything, but people change, and so you. Things that you think are unimportant now could be the most important things in the future. You said “I am not expecting much from this post, although I am curious on your take of it”. Hang in to your curiosity about anything, find the answer, have a hope. I wish you all the best.

Unsomniac, i read your post. There is a place when depressed that one can cross over where you mind shuts off, the reasoning is gone. You stop struggling and just give in and just coast on emotion. To be without feeling or emotion is the most dangerous zone to be in. Our emotions are a gift to us to show us there is something that needs attention and fixing. If you are scared, which i believe you are... reach out immediately, make that call and get into to talk to someone. Most commonly depression sabatoges us with a chemical imbalance in the brain. When someone commits suicide it leaves questions, hurt, pain and anguish for those left behind. There are never any answers and it scars the loved ones for live. My cousin committed suicide and it plagued my aunt for years until she passed on. He was her only child besides which made it even harder. Nothing, nothing in this life is worth killing yourself for. Humanity does have its faults but we are social beings and are meant to interact with one another. I suggest you get into a therapist or counselor. If you feel in immediate danger call the local hospital and you can talk for free for counselors on call. They always have them and are there for you. You will not be put on hold like a suicide hot line. I shall pray for you, tc

[JustTvTroping]

We seem similar. My friendships don't last longer than 3-4 years because I grew up a military brat and eventually even gave up on remembering them. I stopped caring about who loves me because they don't completely know how I really am, they're just looking at the surface and don't know what's completely on my mind (my parents probably don't even know that I've been depressed since I was about 12-13). I'm scared to fail as well. Right now I'm just seeing what happens after I graduate college and get a job (which is a few months from now, assuming my school stops screwing up the scheduling and cancelling classes). Will my life be comfortable enough for me, or will I not be able to handle it? I don't know. I know I'm only 20, but at the same time, a lot can happen in just 1 decade that can turn you from a naive, simplistic, happy child that had dreams of being a hero...to a introverted, cynical, depressed person who gave up on humanity as a whole. While I'm not saying that you'll turn out similarly to how I did, I am saying that an easy way to cope is to take a more hedonistic approach to your lifestyle. Find ways to be comfortable and have fun (without breaking the law and hurting yourself, of course). The external world may seem crappy, but your internal world doesn't have to reflect that.

[SoScorpio]

It's good that you're scared. That means that really, you do care. You just don't want to.
I understand that very well.
When I feel suicidal, I think about the people I'd leave behind. That has always been my touchstone, because even if you can't feel it when you're like this, you have to know that people care about you. Can you really condemn them to feeling like you do now? Because that's what would happen if you went through with it. Your troubles might (or might not, depending on whether life after death exists) be over, but the trouble for the ones who love you will just be beginning. How would you feel if someone close to you committed suicide? Wouldn't you feel like there was something you could have or should have done? Or even if you admit you had no control, that feeling is horrible too. To know that you were powerless.

As for things getting better... well, didn't they, the other times you felt almost as bad? It's hard to remember that, I know. Sometimes even hard to admit, but even if you want to tell yourself that you've felt like this for every second of every day for the past year, it's probably not true.
In a state of crisis like this, the best thing I've found to do is indulge. Find something, anything, that makes you feel good. Try to avoid things like self-harm and drug use, that will ultimately make you feel more worthless. But just about anything else. Once you find that you can enjoy something, or at least not feel like crap, for any length of time, it will get easier. Just remind yourself that if you can feel good, you can feel better. If you leave this life, you'll never feel those good things again. You may rationalize that it's worth it, because you also won't feel bad. But you can't know that for sure, and for those that do believe in life after death, generally the suicide afterlife is very grim. If you continue to exist after suicide, chances are you won't be happy, or even indifferent. But life offers you the opportunity to feel good, again and again. And without feeling like this sometimes, you wouldn't know what feeling good feels like.