[Firsttimemommy19]

Its early Christmas morning and im still awake. Things are not going good as usual all i feel like doing is crying. This year has been one of the worst years ever all i can do is think about my Grandfather and my aunt and how much i miss them. My daughter will be here in 9 weeks and she doesnt get to meet her great grandpa and i dont get to call him and tell him Merry Christmas today at all same with my aunt who has been gone for a year now

I really just want to disappear right now, Im sitting in my living room while everyone in the house is fast asleep. Today my mom and sister are going to my moms boyfriends, Im going to my daughters fathers parents house so they can see how big their granddaughter is getting but i dont know if i am gonna be able to hold it together i have already been crying for 45 minuets because it really doesnt feel like Christmas this year i just dont know what to do. I am trying so hard to be strong for my mom and little sister but i just cant do it i cant be the one to hold the family together this year.

I feel like my family doesnt understand how i am feeling when truthfully my mom does because she misses her dad just as much as i miss him. My family means everything to me its just really hard I love my family to the moon and back but when im around them it just seems like nothing wants to go right anymore. I am trying so hard to keep a smile on my face and be strong but how am i suppose to do that when im missing everyone this year is the first year in a long time that i get to spend christmas with my family but it doesnt seem to matter because we are all going our seperate ways instead of being together.

When i really need my mom she is never there or anything i feel like a failure to her and everyone around me I love everyone around me i try to do the right things but i just want my family back together like we used to be with the smiles and the hugs but I just dont see that happening this year.

[ResonantParoxysm]

I'm sorry for your loses and I'm sure that it's hurting you inside but I know that you can do it. We all lose people and its the worst feeling in the world knowing that they will never be back but I promise you that it will pass. There are so many great things going for you right now. You have a baby on the way man, congratulations! I would give so much to be able to say that. You are also going to family gatherings where you can meet up with your family members who are still here for you. It might seem like you all are growing apart but believe me, blood is blood and when you need someone they will be there to help the best that they can. Even if they can't solve the problems you have they give it their best trys and that's matters because it shows that they love you. As a guy it may seem hard to breakdown because you don't want to seem soft but its part of what makes you real. Don't ball your emotions up and let them chew away at you, if you need to get something off your chest then give it your best with someone you can trust, even if you know that they can't help you. You'll feel a lot better. If its too bad then you may want to consider counseling. For now just try to focus on what's good and not what's bad, even if its something little like food or conversation. I hope that everything works out for you and that your Christmas surprises you in a good way.

[Fizzyo]

Hi Firsttimemommy,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling your bereavements so badly. It is a sign of how much you loved them, and they you. I know this pain myself, and it felt like I had such a raw hole inside that it swallowed everything else. It's a lonely place to be and I couldn't even share it with my husband or he would have stopped me looking after anyone else like them.

I can't promise that the sadness will go away, but you kind of get used to it and it becomes easier to live with. Also you will start to enjoy some of your treasured memories of them and, instead of just bitter, the hole becomes bittersweet.
When I remember the person I lost many years ago, sometimes I still want to cry, but I also smile when I visualise their face and look at photos. I feel it was better to have loved and lost them than never to have experienced that love. I'm a better person for knowing them and now bittersweet is good to my mind.

Your family will smile and hug again, they are coping in the ways they need to.

I hope you were able to be with your family and maybe grieve together.

I feel for you and I also know that you can get through it, one day or hour at a time.
Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

[Fizzyo]