[testudo]

Hello,

I am a little embarrassed writing this. I know it's weird because there isn't anyone on here who knows me personally. Anyhow, I know that I will not make it through this post without losing it and blubbering like a baby.

I am a 39 year old stay at home dad with a 4 year old daughter and a 1 year old son. My daughter is in daycare and my son stays at home with me. My daughter stayed at home with me until she was 2. I am also a veteran diagnosed with PTSD, so I am sure some of this stems from what I have been going through.

Now that the introduction is over, I will move on to what is really bothering me lately. I have become overwhelmed with this sad and depressing feeling about my kids growing up, especially my daughter. She is my first born and the love of my life. I have always have felt a little sad when thinking about it, but this year after her birthday and the holiday season, I cannot seem to get it together.

Just over a week ago, I was suddenly hit with this feeling that I couldn't shake. I tried to do things to keep my mind busy and playing with my son helped a bit (doesn't help that the look almost exactly alike and they play with the same toys and watch the same shows lol)...that is until I put on a show that we watch and the my daughter and I used to watch (Baby Einstein). I felt the tears build up.

I put my son in his crib to take a nap and went into my daughter's room to clean it. I started picking up and putting things away. I picked up a little pink woven fedora and that was it, I lost it (yep, I am tearing up already). It continued all day long.

All I could think about is how much time has passed, how I miss all of the things she used to do, the things she does now, how much I want that back and how I cannot deal with this growing up thing.

I mean, simple little things like the way her curly blonde hair would wildly bounce as she ran clumsily down the hall. The first time she said "I wub you.", and da-da. Her first dance recital at 2 years old where after wards she walked to the end of the stage and yelled out to me that she did it. She couldn't even see me, but she knew I was out there somewhere. The first time I asked her to slow down growing up and she responds with, "I am sorry da-da, but I have to grow up and be big." Okay, okay...I will stop. I think you all get the idea.

I keep thinking that I will never get those times back and it is really depressing and sad. They should be happy memories and I really want them to be and I don't know why the feeling completely overwhelms me. It is really hard to walk around the house because everything from the past 4 years are intertwined around the house. I mean, everything from photo books to artistic creations are everywhere around the house.

Of course, I want my kids to grow up and grow up right, responsible and independent and I think that we are doing everything we can to make it happen, but I really didn't think it would be this hard. I have talked to my wife about it and she is great and understanding. She says she felt the same way when our daughter was born. She went through some horrible baby blues.

Luckily, she still needs help with bath and bedtime. She always wants be to stay in with her, sleep on me, rub her back or come out in the living room and sit with me until she falls asleep. My wife and I try to have a routine, and it work until she was about 2 1/2, but it is really tough to get her to go to bed and my wife always puts her back in the room and tells her to go to bed. Me? Well, I just told my wife that I didn't know how much longer she would want to do all of that and I want to enjoy it while I can. I know that we need structure and discipline, but it is tough.

I guess there is just something about my first child. Maybe there is a special bond there between me and my little girlie-pies. I know, I know...but that is the first nickname that I gave her when she was born and it stuck lol.

I used to be a pretty positive guy, but that changed after my service...I guess. I think that it is why it is hitting me harder than I ever thought it would. I don't know and I cannot go on thinking or feeling this way. I guess I am wondering if anyone here has experienced this type of feeling and would care to share how it was dealt with.

Okay. This has gone of for a while and it could go longer, so I will stop here. If you made it this far, applaud for reading and I thank you in advance for any and all help, advice and suggestions.

Testudo

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are suffering. It's hard watching our little ones grow up. I hated seeing my daughter grow up and still get sad knowing she'll never be that small again. She just turned 40. I can't believe that the years just flew by. My advice is to cherish each moment you have with your children because these memories are what we are left with.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[testudo]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I'm sorry you are suffering. It's hard watching our little ones grow up. I hated seeing my daughter grow up and still get sad knowing she'll never be that small again. She just turned 40. I can't believe that the years just flew by. My advice is to cherish each moment you have with your children because these memories are what we are left with.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you for your reply.

It is very hard. I have been through so much, but this is the hardest thing that I have ever been through. I love these kids so much. Man...water is rolling down my checks as I type this...

I know how I am supposed to feel. I know it is okay to be sad, nostalgic and sentimental, but this seems to go so much deeper than I ever thought it could. That is what is so confusing. I do cherish every waking (and sleeping lol) moment that I have with my babies. I do want to seem them grow up into the adults they will eventually become. It is just so sad and depressing. I don't know how to deal with it.

[avlady]

just knowing you did everything you could to make your child happy and functioning as an adult now should help. look at them now and go from there. you are here now, keep going on and remember the memories, especially when you're older. they will have their own kids and you as a role model.good luck

[testudo]

Originally Posted by avlady

just knowing you did everything you could to make your child happy and functioning as an adult now should help. look at them now and go from there. you are here now, keep going on and remember the memories, especially when you're older. they will have their own kids and you as a role model.good luck

Thank you for responding.

I really am just trying to look at everything like that, but it just keeps coming back. I feel as though I missed something from the past, but I was always there...if that makes sense.

[guiltier65]

I too am sorry that you are going through this. I understand completely, my 3 children are grown now, but when they left home I was devastated. I felt I had lost my prime role and identity in life. However, their moving on allowed me to move on. I went back to school and got my nursing license. I achieved a long held dream with them cheering me on.
I now have 3 grandchildren who are the loves of my life. and they too are growing quickly. But the love has multiplied for all of them. It is sometimes agonizing to watch them make mistakes, and sometimes I have to keep my mouth shut, which isn't easy. But I cherish each moment and love each stage of their lives. I nope this helps you as you deal with these feelings. I cry as I write this for you and knowing how painful the journey is. Hang in there. it's worth the ride.

[testudo]

Originally Posted by guiltier65

I too am sorry that you are going through this. I understand completely, my 3 children are grown now, but when they left home I was devastated. I felt I had lost my prime role and identity in life. However, their moving on allowed me to move on. I went back to school and got my nursing license. I achieved a long held dream with them cheering me on.
I now have 3 grandchildren who are the loves of my life. and they too are growing quickly. But the love has multiplied for all of them. It is sometimes agonizing to watch them make mistakes, and sometimes I have to keep my mouth shut, which isn't easy. But I cherish each moment and love each stage of their lives. I nope this helps you as you deal with these feelings. I cry as I write this for you and knowing how painful the journey is. Hang in there. it's worth the ride.

Thank you for the kind reply.

I really do cherish each moment. I think my problem may be when the moment is over and I want to relive it over and over again, no matter if it was 10 minutes ago or 4 years ago. I cannot shake it. I don't know how to deal with it and it really hurts my heart. I seriously have been crying for a week straight, from when I wake up until I can finally go to sleep, and I am crying as I type.