In a morning funk

A couple times a week I go through a depressive episode. They usually happen in the mornings maybe after a night of drinking or a bad experience with someone. Last night I fought with my parents, which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, but I woke up feeling terrible and thinking immediately about wanting to die. I’m type 1 diabetic and sometimes think how easy it would be to inject myself with too much insulin, slip into a hypoglycemic coma and never wake up. At this point I mostly am fighting that urge for my family since that would be a terrible thing to do to them. And my friends would probably feel guilty for the rest of their lives as I imagine I would.

My depression mostly comes from anxiety that I have. I always feel like everyone hates me. When I’m with my friends I either feel distant from them or like they’re really annoyed by me. I feel like an inconvenience. It seems like all of my friends are obsessed with their boyfriends or their love interests. It makes me feel like I’m missing out because I’m 21 and I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone. I have never felt emotionally connected to a guy and I hate the way I look so I assume things will never happen for me which is fine because I like being alone well enough.

When I was younger (14-15) I was put on depression/anxiety meds, and have been taken off and put back on the same meds throughout the years. I have a doctor’s apt coming up where I need to address how I’m feeling, but it’s hard not for me to feel like I’m just complaining.

Though I feel like I want/deserve to die often, I will keep fighting. I’m only 21, I’m in my last semester in college, and I have my life ahead of me! Sometimes I wonder why so many other people feel great about themselves and I don’t understand why I can’t feel that way. I hate my mind and I always feel like a bad person. Something that has helped me is a “bliss list” which is a list I’ve made of everything in life that is worth living for.
Thanks for all who have made it this far! I hope you have a terrific day!

Hi Mrgnfrnk,

Welcome to PC! I think you have answered apart of your own question, the alcohol bit? Alcohol is a strong depressant. It may make you feel less anxious at the time, but it plays ******** with your mood.

Keep posting here, it's a brilliant place to get encouragement and support.

Some people have found CBT helpful in addressing thinking habits that leave you in despair. There is a way forward.

You may find this link interesting:

https://moodgym.anu.edu.au › new

Good luck and best wishes

Don't give in to self medicating with alcohol it only makes it worse . Your bliss list is awesome , I also make a happy board that I talk little notes with what makes me smile on it . It's right across form my bed so I can see it in the morning when anxiety is at its strongest.