Visit with good friends

dexter · Feb 13, 2016, 06:54 PM

Some friends from whom I've been estranged for 10 years agreed to see me last night. Actually one friend from whom I've been estranged, and his wife who I only met recently.

This friend and I were very close. He was very warm and compassionate and also quite a touchy guy. I mistook his warmth for interest in me as a boyfriend, and when I found out he didn't share my sexual orientation I was pretty crushed.

I had a major bout of depression and became very paranoid and jealous. I was very frustrated and angry and unfortunately I took a lot of my anger out on him. And I didn't talk to him for 10 years.

We recently reconciled. I apologized to him and he didn't want my apology, he just wanted to be friends again. His wife was just as loving and warm toward me. He says he always understood that my anger was generated from my depression and not from me.

They both know I'm suffering from depression. Over the past years he has become a doctor, and his wife is a social worker.

They invited me over to their place last night to talk to them. They know I am a wreck, they told me they understand and don't mind. I was able to talk to them about the source of my current bout, which I haven't been able to discuss with anyone... My frustration about not being able to find a therapist... And some fun stuff.

My appetite came back a little while I was there and I was able to eat with them.

I feel so bad about how much my estrangement must have hurt him but he doesn't want to hear it, he says he understands.

Best of all he is still and warm and just as generous with the hugs and touch. It is something I greatly need right now and I can't believe I haven't lost any of his trust. I am comfortable with it because now that I know it is just friendship I don't seem to be having any conflicting feelings other that what is intended.

I'm crying as I write this but they are good tears because I can't believe I have such great people in my life. I confirmed yesterday that his wife knows the whole story of what happened between us... What I did... and yet she is just a welcoming to me.

It was a great night for me. I'd been planning on maybe going into the hospital if things get worse but I confided in them that that was just a cover so work wouldn't find me if I decided to end my life.

The whole night they never once tried to talk me out of suicide. There were zero platitudes about how much people would miss me or how much I contribute to the world. And not a single cliche about me finding love later in life. His wife admitted that those types of comments could be condescending.

All they did was listen and acknowledge my pain. I did promise them I wouldn't hurt myself this weekend but that was an offering from me, they did not make me promise or try to extract any expectations. They just let me know that they love me (more with their actions than with any words).

I feel so much better today, I am not in crisis for the first weekend in a long time. Their treatment of me was perfect. I think the trust was more important than the love. He did hug me so tightly when I left that I realized in the car that I had his scent on my coat and that made me smile during the drive home.