[Rachelakabatman]

I have been struggling with severe depression for over a year. It is so bad that I tried to commit suicide 6 months ago but wised up after I swallowed the pills and got help. This just sucks and I feel very empty.
I went a year relying on other people to make me happy. It became very unhealthy so my friends all left. One of them decided to give me another chance last night. I said some very hurtful things in the relationship and I told her that I didn't mean it and I loved her very much. It didn't come from any seed in my heart and ect. Which is true. She told me she didn't hate me but she didn't want to be my friend the same way again. She has also apparently become very chummy with my other friends and they have been hanging out which makes me feel crappy.
I shut down when we hung out. Im trying to put this behind me so I didn't really say anything to her other then I am really sorry for what I did. She hugged me and said she loved me but was happy just being "somewhat friends". Honestly..... I feel worse then ever and think I would much rather just be alone vs have a "kind of friend." When I told her I was hurt she said that I had to understand that I am unhealthy and toxic to everyone.... Which I understand but it still hurt. I guess I want to be loved and accepted again and I cant have that. And I know I did this to myself which makes me feel worse. I almost just want to be alone forever. I cant hurt anyone and they cant hurt me.

[leroysavoy]

First of all, thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable.

Do people make your depression worse? In my own opinion, it's the way you view people that makes it worse.

The emptiness you describe isn't necessarily bad. It's actually neutral. What makes it bad is your interpretation or rumination (pattern of thinking).

If you put your happiness on other people, when the people leave, your happiness leaves with them. We can't necessarily control our emotions, our environment does. Generate your happiness from within.

Your friend you describe sounds nice. Avoid isolation. The more you are alone, the darker the depression gets.

You are already loved and accepted but you haven't fully realized it.

When you say you know you did this to yourself, there is a lot of power in that statement. One of them is the concept of responsibility. You took responsibility for an outcome, which is not an easy thing to do.

By being alone forever, you may see it as your not hurting anyone but I'm here to tell you, that you are hurting the whole world when you choose to be alone. The world needs your gift whatever that may be.

[Fuzzybear]

[Fizzyo]

Hi and thank you for having the courage to share with us.

There's no easy answer to the problems of life and it hurts so much to be called toxic.

As you move towards better mental health, you will relearn the skills you had to make friends and be able to rebuild your life.

In the meantime, you are always valued here and I hope you will find encouragement and support here as you rebuild your confidence.