[caniam16]

I don't know where to start this, but i guess i could really use some help. I just feel paralyzed mentally. Incapable of just about anything, waking up in the morning is pretty much the worst part of my day and it only gets worse from there as i only look fwd to going back to sleep...

Actually, at the surface - most people are jealous of my life. I work freelance, in my (creative) field, don't make a ton but am likely better off than most. I ride a motorcycle, I've traveled half the world, have no attachments and people often have told me they felt inspired by my life...

Really, there's nothing much i could complain about, yet somehow, i'm paralyzed with (mostly self-imposed) stress, riddled with guilt over just about every little thing (half the time - i realize - completely ridiculous stuff) and so absolutely full of anger - the tiniest thing will set me off. It's like a cloud over me that's just making me incapable of the simplest activities. Sitting up on my bed in the morning sometimes feels like a monumental task to accomplish...

I've had my share of challenges in life so i can understand where some of it may come from. I've been greatly let down by my family, by my friends, by my community, by just about every aspect of society. I've had friends die unexpectedly and even years later, it's still very alive within me. I've been a victim of severe medical malpractice, leaving me with scars of it for life. My life's been a mix of good and bad - but always 'extremes' of each.

At nearly 30, i've never been in a real relationship. I feel way too 'broken' to trust anybody after being greatly let down by people time and time again. Really i'd struggle to think of a single time in my life when i trusted another human being and wasn't later absolutely let down and devastated by the consequences...

And i guess it's a paradox - i long for human closeness so much, yet every defense mechanism goes up in me at any chance of human contact. I have biological needs like everyone else - and it makes things even more frustrating - i wouldn't even be able to pay someone to sleep with me - the thought of someone even touching me is just a... Nope, not possible, never. And man, do i hate when people insist on 'hugging' each other social situations!! Handshake is the extent of what i'm comfortable with.

And I am actually quite assertive, have no problem with conversation, even with people i don't know. But when it comes to trusting or opening up even a little to someone else - nope! I guess i did a couple times in the past, with 'ex-friends' who somehow cared to stick around long enough in my life, but then quickly after they disappeared, making me feel even more worthless, used and humiliated.

Nobody wants to hear about this depressive, negative ********. I myself am sick of my thoughts going round and round about all this - sometimes think half my problem is this self-pressure i put on myself. I live in a region where mental healthcare just doesn't exist - not that i'd ever be able to trust a "doctor" - yet just another 'person' - anyways.

I'd been on pills before - only got side effects and nothing else. Not doing that again. Weed and alcohol - they don't really help, but they offer, however short-lived, distraction.

Half my life went by with me in this state. There is so much i still want to do & be! - but with every day in this paralizing cloud all around me, i just feel more and more helpless and useless. I really can't take it anymore. If anyone on here can in any way relate, i could sure use just about any solution...

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to PC

[Fizzyo]

Hi paralyzingcloud,

Welcome to PC,

I can relate to a lot of what you say. I too have a life most people would be glad to have, but the black dog of depression can be truly savage.
I also relate to the touch defensive feelings!!

This is a great place to share and find support.

There are a lot of people here who have similar experiences and issues to yours who will understand.

The best way to benefit here is to be as active as possible, posting your own threads as well as contributing to others. That way those who 'get' you have the best chance of finding you.

Initially your posts will be moderated before they appear, but after the formalities, they will come up immediately. Once you have 5 posts you can use the chatrooms. There are hosted chats on a range of topics which may be interesting to you. Ask someone from the Community Liaison team if you have any questions at all, or if you need a listening ear.

People here have helped me through some dark times and I hope you get as much encouragement from this community as I have.