[elevatedsoul]

a childhood friend of my dads has been living with with us since last year and he just triggers me so much i can't stand it anymore

he is supposed to be moving on the 1st... but im pulling my hair out trying to keep from blacking out and beating him

i am the most kind caring loving empathetic compassionate person you could ever meet but this guy just pulls all of my strings and pushes all of my buttons...
i flipped out a few weeks ago and dissociated or something and when i came to i was cursing and saying all kinds of stuff that i would never say, smashing my hand down on the table and being extremely intimidating, when i "woke up" he was being really quiet and looked like a sad sick puppy with his tale between his leggs... but i could not calm down and i had to tell him im sorry i dont know what happened i am not mad at you and i walked away in a fitful rage trying to pull all of the anger back inside of me and get away from him as fast and far as possible going into the woods to be alone- all over something that i have no clue what caused it... i cant even remember being triggered into it... i feel bad about it but i can't take it anymore and am scared that im going to snap again before he leaves...

if you knew me in real life this kind of behavior would shock you to death - maybe even shocking to the few people that have read me posting here for the past month or so

i have ALOT of demons i have fought over the years, lots of small victories... but they are just tied up, they are not dead, and i don't want them to be released - i have all of this repressed i guess and he is trying to pull it out of me

he is like retarded or something... not severely retarded where he cant take care of himself but he's not smart enough to realize how stupid he is?
he's extremely self centered and selfish but thinks he is a nice person, which really he isnt a bad person he just doesnt realize that he is being so stupid most of the time... he curses about everything (which is a trigger to me anyway) every other word he says is F$$$ or God#### or B!!!!! everything you can imagine but he thinks he is just having a friendly general conversation...
he grills everything he talks about over and over and im just like how many bloody times do you have to say the same thing!!!
all the while im sitting here screaming on the inside and nodding on the outside saying "yeah, uh huh, yep, of course, right, yeah" trying to hide how much it bothers me - which i have an uncanny ability to hide my inner world/emotions but i just dont know how much i can handle anymore

i dont talk much at all to anyone ever so having someone riding my back constantly seeking attention from me is driving me nuts... he is 54 years old i think and acts like he is 17... he's a huge alcoholic which is another trigger to me...
i struggle with my own addictions....
i struggle with my own fights and my own annoyances - i dont need someone else complaining and crying about stupid stuff over and over and over that doesnt even bloody matter - im out of cigs, he's out of cigs, but he keeps saying stuff like "man i need a F%%%% cig and beer!!!" and im like on the inside saying "no **** sherlock what do you think i feel like stupid B%%%%!!!!!" grrrr

i try to be as nice as i can and hold all this stuff in because he just doesnt realize how he is acting i guess?
and when i do blow up and say something to him he pouts and acts like "why are you mad at me..." like he's never done anything wrong in his life

i just want to be left alone most of the time but he is extremely invasive of my space ... he constantly comes in my room and sits on my bed while im trying to read or play a game or watch tv or just sit here and stare at the wall in silence...
he knows that i have depression and issues but acts like it doesnt matter, like im just a normal person, like im just faking all this stuff to get disability like everyone else he knows ( which seems to be prevalent anymore people faking to get free money to be lazy and sit on there *** all month GRRRR ) i have told him on multiple occassions after blowing up that i have ALOT of problems and you can not treat me like that or talk to me like that because it triggers me into these modes that i can not control - he takes it in and "behaves" a few days or week and then goes back to way he was and sometimes even worse like he's trying to get revenge on me for yelling at him - WTFF

its been like a month since last time i blew up but its getting more and more frequent where i just can not contain it anymore - i hate this part of me so much
do nice people get so mad? im supposed to be an angel!!

i am so sick of people treating me like i have nothing wrong, i try so hard to be normal and act like everything is fine but people like this are really going to be the end of me, if i dont end up killing someone and being locked up for life or whatever!

i dont know how to handle these situations at ALL!
i am not good at confrontations, i am not good at telling people what i think, i am not good at telling people to back off or give me space, i am a complete push over when it comes to things because i just want people to shut up and leave me alone

i don't know what to do and i dont know how to handle this

im trying to be patient and tell myself that i just have to wait a few more days and he will leave, but he has said he was leaving for the past 4 months and everytime the 1st comes around he is just like can i stay one more month?

i swear if he doesnt leave on the first im going to go batshit crazy

how do i learn to handle confrontation without blowing up and turning into a complete evil demon? because i have blown up on this person in particular several times while he has stayed here this time, and several times in the past when he was just visiting -
no one in my life has ever triggered me as much as him
and he has never really done anything bad directly to me
besides being a selfish self centered ****

i can not stand stupid $$$$$ and i can not stand bull%%%%% and i can not stand not being able to stand this any longer

i need to learn how to handle these things before i hurt him or someone else that pushes my buttons the wrong way or too many times

i cant take but so much and im already at my breaking point

please give me advice

i don't want to be mean, i like to be nice and loving, but i feel so dark and evil when these buttons are pushed, i used to be violent and rageful with my brothers when i was young but i worked hard to get to a peaceful compassionate place and now people like this are trying to pull my demon back out of the depths of hell ( my brothers and i would fist fight till we bled, pull knifes on each other, choke each other, throw down stairs, you wouldn't believe it)

god please take him away on the first!!!!!!!!!!

im sorry for the angry post!! i just needed to say something before i pull all of my beautiful long hair ouT!!!

[dexter]

Grrr. Try to spend most of your time here until the 1st, keep your head away from him as much as possible and hope he'll be gone as planned.

{{{{elevatedsoul}}}}

[elevatedsoul]

[elevatedsoul]

bloody greedy people can't take what they get and be happy - take take take take take

dear god - give me patience

now mom comes home drunk and tapped out on klonopin and she mad cause no one can give her a few $$$ to get 1 more beer

instead of abusing klonopin and being happy with just the alcohol she drank she could of kept them and given to me to use properly and responsibly - hell she could of even saved 1 beer for me to have but no one really gives a darn about helping anyone out its always about getting as high as you can so you can forget what you can as long as you can, right?

but this is the story of my life, people dont care about anything but getting ripped out of their mind no matter the expense of others

getting too personal - im going to just disconect my mind from everything, i feel it coming -

Possible trigger:

ill wake up with a bloody arm for sure

[elevatedsoul]

i feel so cold... sweaty...
how can my mind keep up with such.... i cant think now, back in the trance wonderland

i guess atleast im not floodedwith all of those thoughts... but i feel like im going to pass out... if i am not already

i cant feel anything and i feell like im staring through everything i look at
and my eyesw are wide open (bug eyed feeling?) but it feels like they are closed - looking through water

thajk god my mind knows how to fly.... just feel so cold...

im not going to postanymore about this... just going to fly away....

[elevatedsoul]

sorry about ranting

im fine.. i just cant handle stress that well i guess
i hate being triggered

embarrassed again

i gotta learn to handle these things better...
so i can take care of myself better - cant let others keep hurting me like this... especially when they aren't the ones hurting me...