[dexter]

Sorry possible health trigger here.

Good news: My chest x-ray came back, it shows I'm clear of the recent pneumonia.

Bad news: there's a spot and now I have to have a CT Scan to check it out.

I'm really not that worried that it might be something. Seems at my age it might 50% be something bad however given the recent pneumonia I think it is likely that those odds are reduced and it is more likely just some scarring from the bacterial infection. I was hacking unbelievably badly with the pneumonia.

I'm really just too tired to deal with this... I'm still worried about my heart and I'm seeing my cardiologist next week and now I also have to go and get a catscan. I've been missing a lot of work from the depression itself not counting leaving for therapy sessions and now another day off for a catscan.

The worst part is because of the depression I can't help think I will be disappointed if it turns out to be nothing. I'm am anticipating the cardiologist to say my heart is OK and something else is behind my symptoms or that they are temporary but when the symptoms crop up every time I hope that it is my time and that I will have an out other than suicide.

(((Dexter)))

[dexter]

I'm not worried about the scan results I'm just so tired and already feeling that the struggle isn't worth it for the depression and recent health issues. Now another brick in my backpack.

[dexter]

I don't have to do anything until next week when I get a letter from insurance approval. Then I have to find a facility and schedule an appointment and remember it and drag myself there. Meantime I see my cardiologist on Tuesday don't know what he is going to find if anything. If he doesn't find anything then I need to know why I am now winded just going up my stairs. And the T twice a week (I look forward to going there but it is still time away from work... On bad days I appreciate the excuse to leave for two hours but it still impacts my work performance) and the new pdoc and the anti making me nauseous and dizzy.

[guiltier65]

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a rough patch. It is very likely that the spot on the lung is a remnant of the recent infection. Hang in there, friend. Keep looking up!

[dexter]

I am sure this isn't going to turn out to be a problem. I am sort of the opposite of a hypochondriac in this regard. I never believe scratch off numbers are going to match but also never believe something rare and bad is going to happen to me.

Possible trigger:

But I'm really concerned that I keep finding I'm hoping that it is something and that it will put an end to me. Today my heart was pounding all day at work. I left early and came home and thought I might be heading into a heart attack. I stopped on the way home for a lunch that was not very heart healthy (McDonalds). Took a nap and woke up groggy but fine.

And yes I have talked to my T about this. And I see my cardiologist next Tuesday.

[barbella]

I hope you will be alright dexter.

[dexter]

Wish I could say the same. Much of the time I do... I mean I am going to therapy and trying this new antidepressant and I hadn't been taking my medications but now I'm back on top of them and I'm seeing the cardiologist...

But much of the time I don't want to keep struggling like this any more along with all of the pain and I just don't think that this time around the struggle is worth it again. The last time I fought this I ended up... right back here after ten years with no real "up time" in between... nothing really positive in my life that I can look at and want to grab hold of for inspiration to keep fighting.