[Evening]

I haven't been on here for quite a while, maybe a year or so.

I was trying to stay away from here but I have hit a bad point mentally- not that my mentality was ever fantastic to begin with- and I need help.

I had been mostly unemployed when I first started here, now I work full time as a manager and have saved for a home loan on a house. I suppose coming from sleeping on a wooden board or on a camping bed getting bitten by fleas and having so little food people thought I had an eating disorder to saving nearly 40k and working a 45.5k a year salary job as a manager I should be happy. But I'm as miserable as I've always been.

I can't handle 7 days straight of work, or all the pressure of running a shop, feeling as though the staff don't respect my position (not that we don't get along, I just don't feel that they think of me as a MANAGER and fully respect that). I can't handle constantly getting contacted by work when I'm not at work about basic ****, even though I have said it needs to stop. I can't handle having barely any sleep then waking up so early to drag myself to a place I don't want to be for 9 hours. I can't handle customers talking to me as though it's perfectly okay to treat me like a lesser person, or have children screaming and banging on things and squeaking toys and pulling things off shelves.

Then all the stress of my personal life- not having many friends, or good ones, my mother's social anxiety being so bad she can't even see me half the time I would like, my father not wanting to know I exist, simply because I exist, my cousin getting constantly snappy with me or getting worked up over tiny things and getting angry at people every time we see each other, the rest of my family barely acknowledging me, my auntie being married to someone accused of paedophilia, weight gain from stress eating, all my past problems still coming back to hassle me.

Too much is stressing me, and I keep hearing the 'just stop stressing' garb, as though it were something I've chosen to do, and therefore can simply choose not to do.

It might sound petty but things were not always great for me and my coping skills are not good. I work so much that I only have 2 weekdays a fortnight off to even be able to see a therapist. I have been referred to 2.

I know I can't go into too many details, but about one and a half weeks ago I did attempt suicide, I was only in the hospital for a few hours while everything left my system enough that my grandparents could take me back to their home, where I slept for about 17 hours, minus waking up for half an hour or so occasionally to attempt to eat something or have a bath to remove the ECG stickers.
I then got myself worked up emotionally and went home, after which a friend wanted to catch up because he was feeling a bit down. I got through the entire time pretending I was fine until I was about to get out of the car, and then I burst into tears and told him everything. Now I feel awful about it and wish I had just held out a few more seconds until I got out of the car so he never had to know. He told me I had really fooled him and he would never have known what had literally just happened hours earlier.

I stayed at my friends house that night and spent a week at my grandparents house because I had to do 7 days straight at work and it took everything within me to drag myself to that place and pretend to be happy and do my job as a manager.

I was pretty void of any real emotions for a few days, I'm still struggling to find anything that is exciting to me. I've lost interest in most things, when I used to be able to find enthusiasm in at least one or 2 things. I didn't even have anxiety about confronting people at work, when I get anxiety just getting a text about work.

I really scared myself doing what I did because it has been a long time coming and that's the first time this was actively carried out to the extent it was. I feel quite awful about it, I freaked out my friend, and my grandparents.
I can't say for a fact it is something that would never happen again though because when I get down my frame of mind is very dark. It's very tough to deal with.

I had tried to see a friend the night before I attempted suicide, not to vent, I didn't even tell him anything, but he threw it in my face and said he didn't want to be around someone who chooses to be stuck and lost, though he knew barely a thing. He is the sort of person who went through something difficult and now is determined to find rainbows and butterflies in everything, and unfortunately since I can't do the same and just 'get over it and stop being miserable' I'm too much of a burden. All I wanted was a friend to distract me and take my mind off how I was feeling. I just wanted to see someone and pretend I was fine and not tell them anything. But that was too much to ask.

I am sick of people telling me they would be there when I need it then turning their backs on me telling me to stop being childish and grow up if I ask for help. Now I'm generally not the sort of person to sit around crying in front of friends all the time and posting attention seeking statuses on facebook, but conversations have been had, and people have given me the whole 'if you ever need someone to talk to or ever need help', until I actually need it. And the hardest thing to do is ask for help, so being turned away when you run to the shelter you were offered is the reason I tend to just not tell people anything.
I've managed to get so good at faking it that people have actually told me before that I don't know what it's like to be truly depressed.

I just feel as though no matter how much I try and succeed and to well and be good enough, I never will be. I can have a full time job, it's just another thing to drag myself to every day to pretend to be a happy person. I can buy a house, it's just another place to sit alone in every night. None of these things feel like success to me. None of it has gained me more happiness, or more respect, or better friends. I came a long way to get where I am and now going back to where I came from doesn't look like such a bad idea.

I just came here to vent about it, since I can't see a therapist in at least 2 weeks. so I don't really have anyone to talk to. I have told nobody of the fact I'm even down let alone what happened, other than the people who were involved. I can't go sharing it because I know what will be said. I get scared talking about it because I worry I will get called selfish- and that is a big deal breaker for me. It always gets twisted to how everybody else feels about it, rather than how I was feeling to make me feel the way I did to do that, and as though I was only thinking of myself, rather than the fact I was thinking of everyone else. I am sick of being not good enough or unwanted or in the way. I am sick of feeling as though I'm pushing myself to breaking point trying to be successful in life to please others and be worth something to them the way I never have been.

[Rohag]

Wow. You make an attempt on your own life, get only basic care and 17 hours of sleep, and then immediately launch off into seven straight days off work at a job where your personal time isn't out of bounds... Add in all the other horrors you mention and "not doing well lately" sounds like super-understatement.

Immediately, is there any way to improve or guard your sleep?

[Fizzyo]