[ruesia]

My life on the outside seems great. I got a new job, I am one semester away from graduating with my masters, I am newly married and live in a great home and have hobbies; it might look like I've got everything together. On the inside though, and in the isolation of my personal life, I feel like a wreck. My new job is overwhelming. I know I'm only a semester away from graduating but I don't feel like I will ever get there. I struggle just to finish my assignments. My new marriage is great, but my husband has health problems that have cropped up and he will be off work on medical leave for at least the next 6 weeks and require extensive care. My home is beautiful, but we are having foundation problems that are costing a lot of money.

At any given time, one of these situations would be manageable. Two, I could deal with. But every aspect of my life: work, school, home -- are causing me extreme stress. I have spiraled down in to a dark depression. My husband keeps trying to motivate me by saying "Just get through this year. Just get through this month. Just get through this week." But I accomplish these goals and then have to tell myself again "Ok, just get through the next 6 weeks. Just finish your degree. Just give the job time." At some point, I have to ask myself what for? Overcoming these little hurdles aren't making me feel any better because I know the next one is just around the bend.

I have no sense of stability in my life. I feel like I am running from fire-to-fire, trying to put them out. I try to keep up my hobbies and to stay positive. I ride my horses. I run every night. I take supplements and see a counselor. Even she tells me I am stretched too thin. But, I can't change anything. I have to work to make a living. I can't just quit school now that I am so close to being done (not to mention the loans). I can't just tell my husband to magically get better and not need me to be there for him. And I feel bad--- because I know he needs support too. But I barely have my own life together. I don't feel like I can be his support system right now. And I feel like a failure of a wife. I just go in to auto-pilot and take care of him (laundry, meals, bathing) and then when I am done, I don't have the luxury of sitting down and relaxing. I am getting ready for work or have to sit down to homework or running errands. Even my horses stress me out because I know they might act out or be difficult and I have more than once just melted down when this happens. So I have started avoiding them too.

I just need to vent. To see there really is a light at the end of this tunnel. I have been chasing it for 1.5 years now and it doesn't seem any closer. I am not sure what I can do to make it better. There is not a 'happy place' in my life I can escape to. And, I'm afraid if I do find that place, I won't want to come back to reality.

[Skeezyks]

Hello ruesia: Thank you for sharing your struggle. I would simply like to send some warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will in some way be able to find a place of deep peace within...

[Fizzyo]

❤️