[RedMountains]

So, I don't really know where to begin. I am the mother of an adult son. He is 28 and going to be married in June. I have not been invited to the wedding and right now he is not speaking to me. My heart is so broken and I have been crying all day.

My son and I have always been close, but whenever he cohabitates with a woman, he changes toward me in profound ways. All three times that he has lived with someone, our relationship suffers. He will barely speak to me, and he lashes out at me, calling me names, and, in general being disrespectful. There is a family pattern of abuse. I did not abuse my son, but I was abused as a kid by both my parents, and by most of my partners. My mother was abused by her mother, who was abused by her mother, who was abused by her mother - and they all also married abusive men. My son learned to be abused from watching me be abused. It took me a while to figure out that my son is attracted to abusive women.

Now with his last girlfriend, well, it got significantly worse. It is just my opinion, but I do think she has a personality disorder that has been left untreated. When I first met her two years ago, I liked her, but then she introduced me to her then 5-year-old daughter. She treated the little girl so badly it broke my heart. I was afraid of this woman, who was 28 when I met her. She was always angry, always shaking, and always yelling - about so many things...her job, her parents, her child, etc. She screamed at her kid in front of me, mocked her facial expressions and body language, and would say very demeaning things to her. She told me roughly six times that she did not want her daughter, and wished she had never had her. I was so afraid of her that I said nothing. I wish I had. My son was upset by it, and he tried to talk to her about it, but she would just yell at him and he got nowhere.

About a year ago, my son came to me with some disturbing news about this woman pushing him to get married. He said he felt like he would not be able to say no much longer. Nine days later, she called me to say he had proposed. I was devastated.

Later, after they asked me to housesit, I discovered their place in total disarray, with this little girl living in a mess. It finally gave me the courage to say something. I said something to my son about it, who repeated everything to his girlfriend. The next day she called and texted me numerous times, yelling at me, calling me names, and telling me that her house and her kid were none of my business. Of course, the law is not on her side. I live in a 100% reporting state (for child neglect and abuse) - everyone must report it, not just doctors, nurses, etc.

Well, that was a year ago, and things have gotten considerably worse. Finally, on the advice of a knowledgeable person, I decided to call CYFD, as I have not been allowed to see this child since I said something to my son, and I can't see her so that I know she is okay.

A month ago, my son came to me and said he wanted to leave this woman but he was afraid to as he was afraid she would get violent if he tried. He says he has seen her get violent a bunch of times. That scared the daylights out of me. He told me that she told him that he has to marry her, because they have put down deposits. She also told him to choose between his family and her.

I tried to let things calm down and didn't say anything for a couple of weeks. A week ago, I gave my son a chance to advocate for this little girl, which he agreed to at first. He agreed to go to a counselor with me, so we could discuss this situation, instead of me calling CYFD. Yesterday, he changed his mind. I then had no choice but to call CYFD. My son told me that if I called, he would never talk to me again. But, I had no choice. I watched this little girl be abused by her mother, and there are a bunch of other awful things that happened to this kid. I felt I had to do right by her (I was that little girl as a child). I know I did the right thing, but my heart is breaking at the thought of never talking to my son again. I can't say if he means it, but just the thought has had me crying all day. I have had some seriously harsh thoughts about all of this. I don't know what to do. So I decided to vent here.

I miss my son, and I am afraid I will lose him forever. I am just so sad I can hardly stand it. Any thoughts appreciated. I am just hurting really badly.

[Skeezyks]

Hello RedMountains: I see this is your first post. Welcome to PsychCentral. I'm sorry you are in this most difficult situation. From what you wrote, it sounds like you did the right thing. It's so unfortunate you now must suffer the consequences. Hopefully as time goes by, your son will come around. But he is an adult & must make his own choices, even if they turn out to have been wrong in the end. My best wishes to you.

[RedMountains]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello RedMountains: I see this is your first post. Welcome to PsychCentral. I'm sorry you are in this most difficult situation. From what you wrote, it sounds like you did the right thing. It's so unfortunate you now must suffer the consequences. Hopefully as time goes by, your son will come around. But he is an adult & must make his own choices, even if they turn out to have been wrong in the end. My best wishes to you.

Thank you so much Skeezyks. I appreciate the response.

[kecanoe]

I don't see that you had a choice; the little girl needs your help and you are the only one who could help her. I am also estranged from my son (age 38) and it is painful. But I also had to draw a boundary.

Thank you for being there for the little girl. I too, was that little one.