[i dont matter]

I have had this reoccurring fantasy where I set the cruise control on my car, open the sunroof and crawl out the roof and "surf" at 75mph down the highway.

I know it would end badly and the concept that someone else could be hurt goes totally against who I am..... but this feeling is getting stronger and stronger.

Thoughts?

[qwerty68]

I get weird fantasies sort of like that. Like living out of my car or walking into a forest and not returning. I don't know where they come from or why it happens. I wish I could give you a why answer.

If it is getting stronger talking to a therapist might be in order. As long as it doesn't get close to overwhelmingly strong, I don't know if it is a huge deal but I tend to be proactive rather than try to put out the fire after the house is gone.

Hope that is helpful.

[dexter]

I've been having similar fantasies about driving out into traffic. I feel OK with these thoughts because like you I would NEVER come close to acting on something that might injure others or even involve others with my own death that might cause them direct grief or guilt.

However I do worry that these impossible fantasies indicate that I might be closer to justifying a "safer" form of suicide for myself. If that might be the case with you I hope you are able to reach out for some help.

[SeekerOfLife]

{{{IDM}}}

[dexter]

Also I_don't_matter I believe you DO matter. I right now feel that that THAT doesn't matter. I know I have a lot of people who matter and would miss me and my contributions if I were gone. But they don't get that I am sometimes in SO MUCH CONSTANT PAIN that that does not help me at all... I don't care about relieving their suffering if I were to be gone when *I* am in so much suffering RIGHT NOW. If they want me to respect their potential grief why can't they respect my CURRENT PAIN? But I am hanging on FOR MYSELF and trying to find some way to survive. I know there is a piece of me that can (and hopefully will again) enjoy their company so I'm hanging on to that thread of hope and actively seeking help.

Hope you can hang on too... We are here.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( IDM ))))))))

[Frankbtl]

Hi IDM,

Well it's the "getting stronger and stronger" bit that's standing out to me, and I know things have been real tough for you in the past ........I'd be trying my best to persuade you to get a car without a sunroof , but guessing other fantasies might replace it then..........??
I'd say that with depression that inner sense of/instinct towards self preservation or self protection can definitely sink........and sometimes consequences..........well you're not going to care about them quite as much, right??
One possibility in the short term though might be finding a safe way to channel the impulses to do something "risky"..........all that's coming to mind right now is amusement rides or sports sorry..........but something
And maybe have a safety plan for while you're in the car if the impulses strike e.g. going a route that's going to allow you breaks maybe for a drink if the impulses are strong........, deciding a point in the impulses where you're going to pull over and take a bit of a walk........if there's any music that might help "take your mind of them" then playing that..........things like that............And longer term...........well got to be about working on where those impulses are coming from, I'd say.It might be "simply" depression related, and I know you're working on/through thatBut there might be some aspects of it still that you could pinpoint..........like feeling a lack of control, feeling restrained day-to-day...........that you could do things day-to-day to counteract...........
Could be you're feeling that you don't matter , and it doesn't matter what happens to you.......but I, for one (and I'm sure other people on here too) as I'm sure you'll know am not going to give up on trying to convince you that YOU DO!!!
So........maybe talking to us..........talking to your T..........to work through the "Why"'s???
But try to keep safe, hey IDM??

Alison