[sinking]

i am in a swirl of emotions and thoguhts and voices telling me im worthless, hopeless, helpless, that i dont want to live, that life sucks, that i need to drink and SH, and i hate myself and my life and i want to commit suicide.

these thoughts and feelings come over and over in my head every day, every, minute, every second of my life. its pure hell. so much that i dont feel like lifting a finger. everything tired me, so much that im not even sure i even want to get better anymore.

i keep being suggested here and IRL too, to use distractions/findfulness to make them go away but I DONT BELIEVE DISTRACTIONS WILL SOLVE THE PROBLEM, because those feelings and thoughts come from REALITY, REAL LIFE ISSUES. reality. distractions and mindfulness only put them aside for a while and wont get to the core of it or make something change. the problems will remain.

my T says its PSTD for being abuses a long time. that all i feel and think now, is the result of what i was feeling back then. i disagree again. i think and feel the same way i used to BUT its given by the reality im in.

i'll admit that with a more positive attitude everything is more bearable, but in the hole im in, all i see is pitch dark. so dark i dont see the worth of getting out of it, especially with distractions or mindfulness. its just so so dark down here

[Skeezyks]

Hello sinking: I'm sorry you are still in such a dark place. Yes... I agree with you that, while practices such as distraction & mindfulness can certainly be beneficial, there is a limit to their ability to heal. Distraction merely diverts attention from the pain for short periods of time. And mindfulness, while it can be a powerful tool, is a long-term process. It can take years of consistent practice for it to have really serious impact. And when one is at the bottom of the dark pit, summoning the energy to commit to mindfulness practice can be overwhelmingly difficult.

I once read a quote on the internet that said: "Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it." I don't have any suggestions to offer you in terms of how to get out of that dark place you're in. I have some sense of what it's like, having been there a few times myself.

There is a quote I love, from a book by author / educator Parker J. Palmer (A Hidden Wholeness- The Journey Toward an Undivided Life): "...there is in life a suffering so unspeakable , a vulnerability so extreme that it goes far beyond words, beyond explanations and even beyond healing. In the face of such suffering all we can do is bear witness so that no one need suffer alone." (Pg. 158) I hope you have persons in real life who are there to bear witness so you need not suffer alone. But if not, please know that there are many members, here on PC, who are here for you.

[sinking]

Hi Skeezyks, thanks for validating my thoughts.
i love that quote and as for not existing words to describe the pain i did it with my T, i brought him

Possible trigger:

a knife and a paper written with, my blood.

no words needed, he got it instantly.

[Fizzyo]

Sinking, I can hear so much pain in your post. (((((((((Sinking)))))))))
I really feel for you.

I agree, distraction doesn't solve the pain, but I find it can give me a bit of a break sometimes......that has to be worth something?